


His First and Last

by A_R_I_A



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Chenle and Jisung are the best little brothers, College Life, Counseling, Fluff, Jaemin is a mess, Jaeyong are the best hyungs, Lee Jeno is Whipped, M/M, Mark is a protective older brother, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Renjun is sweet and evil as always, Suicide Attempts, Yixing is the best sunbaenim, too much angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2019-07-02 22:19:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15805674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_R_I_A/pseuds/A_R_I_A
Summary: Moving on was harder than he thought. The past haunted him every single day and all he wanted was for someone to understand the way NCT did. The way Renjun did.“Hyung, one day you’ll find someone that will listen.”Jisung’s words resurfaced the day Jaemin met Jeno.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! So this is my first No(ren)min story and I hope you guys like it!

One? Two? Three… hundred sixty five… hundred seventy… seven hundred thirty… one thousand ninety-five. It had been one thousand ninety-five days. Jaemin counted each and every day. So many he nearly lost track once. 

 

Jaemin lived a fairly normal life. Going to a university, he had his close group of friends and older friends that seemed more like older brothers than anything. His friends confused him; they were involved with each other one way or another. He didn’t know how they’re still alive, to be honest. Jaemin himself got caught up in the whole relationship thing. But three years ago, he stopped. 

 

For a year now, Jaemin’s tried to move on. But every time, they tell him he’s not really into it. He’s not wanting a real relationship; that he only wants to play you until he’s lost interest. It wasn’t true. His friends knew that, but the ones he tried to date never listened. 

 

“Hyung, one day you’ll find someone that will listen.” 

 

Jisung’s words resurfaced the day Jaemin met Jeno. 

 

The other members already knew Jeno. He was one of the aspiring MC’s in the arts school and often shadowed Doyoung. Since the older members are close, they got to know Jeno quite well. But since Jaemin had been weary of new people, they didn’t introduce the two boys together. That is until Jeno and Jaemin accidently ran into each other in the hallway. 

 

Jaemin was on his way to his sociology class when he felt like a brick wall suddenly hit him. The contact with the ground hurt more than it should’ve. 

 

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t look where I was going and I-”

 

The moment they locked eyes, the voice stopped talking. He was so beautiful. Much more than Jeno expected. 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to run into you.” He held out his hand and pulled the smaller boy on his feet. He bowed several times and all the while, the other boy just stared at him. “Are you okay? You’re not hurt are you?” 

 

Jaemin shook his head. “Well okay, I guess I should get going. I’m already late. Sorry again!” 

 

That was his first encounter with Jeno. And to be honest, he kind of thought the clumsy boy was kind of cute. 

_ Get it together Jaemin. You’re just in a good mood today.  _

 

After school consisted of meeting his hyungs in the practice room right outside of the recording studio on the third floor of the art building. 

 

Usually when he walked in the practice room, nearly everyone was there, stretching, laughing, talking, or going over the choreography by themselves. This time, the members all gathered around in a circle, fawning over something. 

 

“What’d I miss?” Jaemin asked as he threw his backpack against the wall. 

 

Every voice stopped and every head turned to face Jaemin. At the center of all the attention was a familiar face. 

 

“Hey, I know you. You knocked me down this morning on my way to class.”    
  


Taeyong glanced between Jeno and Jaemin. “You two know eachother?” 

 

Jaemin shook his head. “We just had a minor encounter this morning. That’s all. What are you doing here?” 

 

“Doyoung-hyung asked if I could help you guys out since you needed an extra dancer.” Jeno answered. 

 

Doyoung placed a hand on Jeno’s shoulder. “He’s really good. I’ve seen him dance with Jisung once and it was amazing!” 

 

Now Jaemin was curious. In the pool of younger ones, Jisung was the best dancer. And if Jeno could keep up with Jisung, he must be pretty good. “Oh yeah? What choreo?” 

 

“Baby Don’t Stop.” Ten answered. “They looked even better than me and Taeyong!” 

 

He could feel a small smile crawl on his lips. “Sounds like we’ll have a good center then.” 

 

As Jaemin stripped off his jacket and switched his shoes, Jaehyun commented, “Jaemin, don’t you have counseling today?” 

 

Jaemin continued to tie his shoes, unfazed by the comment. “No. I changed my days last week; I was tired of coming to practice late.” 

 

“Are you sure about that? You really liked your Monday therapy session. We don’t mind if you’re late to practice.” He hated the way he could hear the worry in Taeyong’s voice. 

 

“I’m fine hyung. As long as I’m still going to therapy, I’ll be okay.” Jaemin stood up and folded his hands behind his back, smiling brightly at his members. “Promise!” 

  
-  
  


_ The one thing Renjun loved about Jaemin was his smile. It always brightened his day no matter what. Just the sight of the younger boy’s smile was enough to cure anything.  _

 

_ It was two weeks before semester break and Renjun knew how stressed Jaemin had been due to his exams. The other boy spent hours and hours in the library studying and it made Renjun proud. But at the same time. It made Renjun lonely. He missed his boyfriend and wanted nothing more than to comfort him.  _

 

_ Renjun found him in in the corner surrounded by piles of books and cups of coffee. “How long have you been here?”  _

 

_ Jaemin glanced up. By the way he wore his glasses instead of contacts he’d been there a while. “I lost track.” He grabbed the nearest coffee cup and frowned. “Renjun-” _

 

_ Renjun held up a cup. “Caramel macchiato? I know you’ve been enjoying sweet stuff lately. “  _

 

_ Renjun grinned the second Jaemin burst into a bright smile. “Honestly, what would I do without you?”  _

 

_ He just continued to grin. “Is it as bad as I think?” He asked, seating himself across Jaemin.  _

 

_ “Well let’s put it this way, if I get anything lower than a 90 on any of my exams, I don’t graduate.”  _

 

_ Renjun just sighed. The one downfall of Na Jaemin was his stubbornness. Sometimes he wanted to yell at his smiley boyfriend for taking his education lightly. Now, if Jaemin doesn’t pass with flying colors, he’d have to repeat senior year of high school. He watched as his boyfriend studied, scribbling down everything he can in the notebook.  _

 

_ Renjun reached across the table and stopped Jaemin’s hand. “What?”  _

 

__ “Don’t stress too much. I believe in you.”  
  


_ Jaemin wished he could’ve bottled up the smile and keep it forever.  _

 

_ The hyungs and Chenle and Jisung all knew about Jaemin and Renjun’s relationship even before it became official. Renjun and Jaemin were friends for the longest time. They went to elementary and junior high together before entering in the same high school.  _

 

_ Since their first year of high school, Jaemin developed the biggest crush on Renjun. Call it puberty or whatever, Jaemin just found Renjun to be very attractive. And lucky him, Renjun reciprocated his feelings. By the end of sophomore year, Everyone talked about Jaemin and Renjun holding hands  _

 

_ The problem with society is that those in a homosexual relationship were ridiculed and looked down upon. But no one dared to say a bad thing about Renjun. Renjun had a history of being a rather scary and violent student; no one dared to fight him and no one dared to approach Jaemin, either.  _

 

_ Jaemin remembered the first time he walked in the practice room hand in hand with Renjun. All the members clapped and teased them and Taeyong reminding them no PDA due to Chenle and Jisung’s presence.  _

 

_ Renjun loved being with Jaemin. But their relationship never left the school. He knew if either one of their parents found out, they were as good as dead.  _

  
-  
  


Jaemin couldn’t take his eyes off of Jeno the entire time they practiced. Doyoung was right, he could dance really well. 

 

At the end of practice, Taeyong clapped his hands. 

 

“Good job guys. A few more practices and we’re ready to perform at the school festival!” 

 

“Jeno is really doing well for someone who doesn’t have much experience with dancing.” Mark commented. 

 

Jaemin just sat back as listened to all their praise, a water bottle pressed against his lips. Jeno was quite something. His moves were sharp and clean and masculine. He moved so much more differently than Jaemin it intrigued the younger boy greatly. 

 

Too caught up in his thoughts, he didn’t even hear Jaehyun the first time. “What was that?” 

 

Jaehyun chuckled. “I asked if you wanted me to walk you home?”

 

“That’d be nice, hyung. Thank you.” 

 

It was Jaemin’s third year in the university. He was in vocal classes as well as private tutoring for guitar, piano, and violin. On top of that, he had his basic core classes like calculus and biology. 

 

Jaehyun could sense the stress from the younger member. After all that’s happened in the past three years, Jaehyun was honestly surprised Jaemin passed his first two years of college. 

 

“Have you been eating well, lately?” 

 

Jaemin shook his head. “I’ve been rather busy. I eat an apple here and there and milk before bed, but that’s it.”    
  


The older male sighed and smacked the back of Jeamin’s head, ruffling the dark brown hair. “Ah! Hyung, what was that for?” 

 

“For not taking care of yourself properly, Na Jaemin. You know we’re all worried about you. Kun’s been mentioning how thin you’ve looked recently. Now I know why.” 

 

“You guys shouldn’t worry about me too much.” 

 

“The day you can give me a good reason not to worry about you is the day we’ll stop worrying about you.” 

 

Jaemin felt himself roll his eyes at the comment. He never wished for his situation to affect his friends so greatly. But, he guessed that’s just how true friends work. In all honesty, Jaemin hadn’t tried anything reckless for over a year. He guessed that was worth celebrating. 

 

“I promise I’ll have a good meal tonight, hyung. If you want, you can stop by my dorm and bring Taeyong-hyung and Doyoung-hyung to makes sure I do eat.” 

 

“Sounds good. Taeyong and I will make you something to eat then. We’ll stop by around six, okay?” 

 

Honestly, Jaemin didn’t want them tot. He had so much to study for he didn’t have time to eat. But he knew Jaehyun and Taeyong worried to death about him, so he gave in. 

 

“Yes, hyung.” 

  
-  
  


Doyoung, Taeil, and Taeyong all walked back to the library with Jeno, Mark, and Jisung. They praised Jeno for dancing so well with the rest of the group. 

 

“I’m sure in no time you’ll be close friends with all of us.” Mark exclaimed. “You already get along with the younger members and Doyoung-hyung really likes you.” 

 

Jeno smiled, his eyes turning into little crescents. “I can’t wait.” 

 

“He might have trouble with Jaemin though.” 

 

The air turned awkward and silent at Jisung’s comment. The crescents in Jeno’s eyes disappeared. “Oh? Why’s that?” 

 

The older members exchanged looks with one another. “Jaemin… ah… He’s just shy. He like a close knit circle and new members freak him out.” 

 

Mark hated the fact that they had to lie so much to new people about Jaemin. The boy kept a low radar at school when the rumors finally settled down two years ago. Still, that doesn’t mean the aftermath didn’t continue to plague them in the present day. 

 

“He seems really nice, though. Is there any way I can break the ice with him without me scaring him away?” 

 

A chime interrupted their conversation. Taeyong pulled out his phone and grinned. “Maybe.” He read the text message and displayed the screen to Doyoung. “If you want, Jaehyun and I are going over to Jaemin’s dorm for dinner if you want to join?”

-

 

Six o’clock sharp. Jaehyun hated being late. They brought him pork kimbap, bibimbap, and courtesy of Ten, pad thai. 

 

Jaemin expected Jaehyun and Taeyong, but certainly didn’t expect Jeno to be there. The new member smiled and Jaemin thought his heart just about exploded. 

 

“Jaemin, you remember Jeno?” Taeyong said as he invited himself in. 

 

“Of course. How could I forget? Come on in.” 

 

The entire time they ate, Jaemin felt like throwing up. Food traveled down like a piece of brick and stayed that way. But watching Jeno smiling the entire time helped him finish his meal. He was really really cute. 

 

Jeno didn’t understand why some one like Jaemin was considered shy? Jaemin had this aura that could attract anyone. But Jeno could sense sadness within that aura; like the time it took to gain that feeling was near forever. 

 

“So, Jaemin, is there a class you’re really dreading right now?” Jeno asked. 

 

His heart nearly exploded when Jaemin shifted his gaze towards him. “Not really. I wish I didn’t have so many private lessons, though. Honestly, I feel like my fingers are about to fall off.” 

 

“What are you learning?” 

 

“Well, I’m still finding my way around guitar and violin. But in piano lessons, I’m learning to play Mozart’s minuet in D Major for two pianos. Of course I’m only learning one part while my instructor has the other.” 

 

“If you want, I can teach you how to play guitar?” Jeno offered. 

 

Jaemin’s eyes lit up. “You play?” 

 

“He does.” Jaehyun answered. “And he’s quite good at it.” Jaehyun pointed to the corner of the room where Jaemin kept his acoustic guitar on a stand. “Why don’t you show him?” 

 

Jeno nodded and grabbed the guitar, situating himself down across from Jaemin. He strummed the open strings and grinned. “Wow. In tune.” 

 

“What would you like to hear?” 

 

“Surprise me.” 

 

Jaemin watched as Jeno played an arpeggiated C chord to an A minor, back to C and then back to A. 

 

“ _ I heard there was a secret chord/that David played and pleased the Lord/ But you don’t really care for music do you?”  _

 

Jeno stopped playing, eyes wide. “Why’d you stop?” 

 

He felt his face heat up as he answered, “You have a nice voice.” 

 

“Well I don’t take vocal classes for no reason, Jeno.” 

 

Jaehyun and Taeyong just laughed. 

 

-

 

_ Renjun glanced down to see Jaemin’s sleeping face buried in his chest. Christmas was two weeks away and Jaemin managed to ace all of his exams. He deserved all the sleep in the world. Renjun turned the channel on to the Mnet Asian Music Awards, pulling Jaemin closer to him.  _

 

_ His family left town two days ago, leaving the house to Renjun. Every single day, Jaemin had stayed the night. They were in Renjun’s room, cuddling, watching a movie when Jaemin fell asleep.  _

 

_ Renjun brushed the soft dark brown hair away from the pair of closed eyes. His fingertips lightly touching Jaemin’s cheeks and forehead. The boy was really handsome. Renjun remembered how on Valentine’s day and on White Day, several girls had given Jaemin chocolates and letters and even asked to date him. All of which the boy turned down. He didn’t need them; he already had Renjun.  _

 

_ He found himself kissing Jaemin’s forehead, pulling him in closer, wrapping the both of them in the heavy comforter.  _

 

_ “Jaemin-ah. I love you.” He whispered. “Let’s be together forever, okay?”  _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You think he’ll be alright?” Yuta asked. 
> 
> Taeil just shrugged. “This time sounds worse than the first time.” 
> 
> The air became quiet and mellow. Everyone who knew Jaemin understood his situation and sympathized with him greatly. Even Yuta, who isn’t the warmest person in the group. He still tried to cheer up his dongsaeng more often than not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Thank you so much for reading and for commenting on the first chapter, I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story! So I hope you like this chapter as well, enjoy!

Jaemin was thrilled to go to his therapy session. He couldn’t wait to talk to his counselor about his new friend. 

 

“His name’s Jeno. He’s the same age as me. I hadn’t met him before yesterday. Doyoung-hyung decided to bring him into our dance group and I’m so excited! He’s an amazing dancer! On top of that, he can play guitar, too! He said he’ll help me with my lessons.” 

 

His counselor couldn’t help but smile at the boy’s enthusiasm. Jaemin was never excited about anything. Not for a long time, that is. 

 

Jaemin rambled on and on about Jeno. About the other boy’s eyes, his smile, his built, his intelligence in music, and how he’s considered no fun by the others. 

 

“Well, Jaemin, it sounds like you really like this boy.” 

 

Jaemin shook his head. “I do! I can’t wait to spend more time with him tomorrow during practice!” 

 

“I’m glad you found someone to befriend. Now, on to other matters. How has your exposure therapy been?” 

 

At the change of topic, the boy swallowed hard and leaned back on the chair. “I… I’ve been avoiding them. I really don’t want to do it with the other members or my family. I don’t want them to worry.” 

 

The counselor nodded. “I understand.” She took out a small flashlight, the kind used in hospitals. She turned it on. “Can you look towards me?” 

 

He hesitated at first. Jaemin knew what would be next. He turned his head and made eye contact with the light. Surprisingly, he saw nothing but the light at first. 

 

But then, everything hit. 

 

The loud horn accompanied by the bright headlights, the feeling of the metal crushing him. Jaemin gasped as he snapped his head to the side, covering his eyes with his palms. He could feel tears on his hands. 

 

“Why?” 

 

The counselor tilted her head as Jaemin composed himself, wiping away the last of the tears in his eyes. 

 

“It’s been three years. Why do I still remember everything?” 

 

Jaemin’s chest hurt. He started sobbing, covering his eyes with the back of his hands. “I just want it to stop. I don’t want to remember anymore.” 

  
-  
  


The following day, Jaehyun noticed a change in Jaemin’s behavior. He wasn’t smiling as much and his energy seemed depleted. When the older asked if anything was wrong, the younger boy just shook his head and continued with the choreography. Halfway through, everyone thought Jaemin was going to collapse. The younger boy bent over, his hands on his knees and he panted heavily. He began to shake and Jaehyun noticed tears dripping from his eyes. Jaehyun grabbed the younger boy’s shoulders and he could feel the body tensing. Jaemin’s eyes snapped open with no emotion reflecting. His breathing became heavier and slower. 

 

“Shit.” He glanced around and called out, “Taeyong, clear the room!” 

 

Taeyong stood up from the floor at the sound of the command. “All right guys, get out, now. Go! Move! Get out!” 

 

Everyone knew what was going on and followed Taeyong’s orders. Jeno followed the crowd blindly. The second Taeyong closed the door, Jaemin collapsed in Jaehyun arms, sobbing hysterically. 

 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” 

 

The two males sat on the ground, Jaehyun embracing the smaller form. The sobbing only intensified.

 

Jaemin shifted his face towards Jaehyun's chest. “It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault, hyung. I want it to stop. I don’t want to remember what happened anymore. I don’t want to remember. Make it stop!” 

 

Taeyong kneeled in front of them, running his hands through the dark brown strands. “Sh, it’s okay, Jaemin. Not of it is your fault. We’re right here.” 

 

The group recently found out Jaemin suffered from post traumatic stress disorder. Jaemin didn’t know what it was at first. He didn’t understand why he had recurring, disturbing nightmares, why he suddenly refused to drive, why he was terrified of vehicles going too fast or why he jumps and nearly hides when he hears a loud sound, why bright lights close to his eyes made him panic. 

 

Jaemin continued to cry into Jaehyun’s chest, Taeyong just centimeters away, gently rubbing the younger boy’s arm for comfort. It had been three years. But Jaemin’s brain wouldn’t forget a single second of what happened. 

 

Outside, the rest of the group waited patiently. Doyoung, Kun, and Taeil sat closest to the door and could hear Jaemin crying. It broke their hearts to hear him cry. Jaemin hadn’t had a panic attack in nearly a year. Not since he found out about his PTSD. 

 

Taeil leaned his head against the door and sighed. 

 

“You think he’ll be alright?” Yuta asked. 

 

Taeil just shrugged. “This time sounds worse than the first time.” 

 

The air became quiet and mellow. Everyone who knew Jaemin understood his situation and sympathized with him greatly. Even Yuta, who isn’t the warmest person in the group. He still tried to cheer up his dongsaeng more often than not. 

 

“So… what’s happening exactly?” Jeno knew it wasn’t the best time to ask, but the curiosity ate him away.  

 

He watched as the other members exchanged a few glances and nods. 

 

“Jaemin has panic attacks. They rarely happen. The last time was nearly a year ago. We don’t really know what triggers them. But…” Kun couldn’t find himself to finish the sentence. They knew what triggered the attacks. They just didn’t want to say it. They wanted Jaemin to explain; it wasn’t their place to tell Jeno about the past. 

 

“I see. Will he be okay?” 

 

“Depends on the severity.” Taeil answered. By now, the crying subsided and Taeyong and Jaehyun’s conversation filled the empty space. “I think he’ll be fine.” Taeil stood up when he heard footsteps approaching the door. 

 

Jeno couldn’t see Jaemin when Taeyong came out, the door swinging close behind him immediately. 

 

“Jaemin’s fine. Apparently his exposure therapy yesterday caused some flashbacks and he’s been struggling to keep them under control all day.” Taeyong explained. 

 

“He can’t just continue to live like this, Taeyong. He’s suffering and he won’t even try!” 

 

“What do you mean he’s not trying? He’s going to therapy already. He has medications, and he’s becoming more active. What more do you want from him?” Johnny argued. 

 

“He’s trying, Yuta, okay?” Taeyong interjected before a fight broke out. “If you were in his shoes you’d understand better.” 

 

“I understand. He’s not the only one that went through that loss. We all did!” 

 

Taeyong’s eyes softened. “Jaemin didn’t just lose a friend. He lost something more important to him.” 

  
-  
  


_ “Now ahhhh…”  _

 

_ Jaemin opened his mouth as Renjun fed him miso soup. “Good?”Jaemin nodded.  _

 

_ “You were always the better cook between the two of us.” Renjun laughed.  _

 

_ Jaemin developed a fever five days before Christmas. Renjun visited every day to make sure his boyfriend was well fed and taken care of. Jaemin was, of course, an only child and his parents doted on him. But his parents had an overseas trip they needed to attend, leaving a sick Jaemin behind.  _

 

_ “Looks like your fever’s gone down. That’s good.” Renjun set down the thermometer, wrapping the other boy up in more blankets. He kissed the warm forehead and grinned.  _

 

_ “What’s that smile for?” Jaemin asked, tapping Renjun’s nose with his finger.  _

 

_ “Nothing. I just like taking care of you.”  _

 

_ “Don’t get too close or you’ll get sick, too.”  _

 

_ The grin only widened. “Then I guess we’ll just have to spend the next few days cuddling. That doesn’t sound too bad to me.” He gently pressed his lips onto Jaemin’s soft ones.  _

 

_ Half an hour later, Jaemin fell asleep. Renjun sat on the bed beside him, reading a book when he felt the sick boy move.  _

 

_ “I-Injun…”  _

 

_ “Mmm?”  _

 

_ Jaemin grasped Renjun’s hand and pressed the palm against his cheek. “Don’t go.”  _

 

_ Renjun moved his thumb, gently wiping away a tear that managed to fall. Jaemin’s eyes were still closed and he knew the younger boy was still sick. “I’m not leaving. I’m staying right here with you, Nana.”  _

  
-  
  


The rest of the group entered the practice room and saw Jaehyun sitting in front of a puffy-eyed Jaemin. Jaemin’s eyes never once shifted to the other members. Jeno remembered how Jaemin looked. The boy’s eyes were red and strained, skin slightly glowing, but his spirit defeated and his strong aura faded. His hair was messy and all Jeno wanted to do was to cheer him up and see that beautiful smile again. 

 

“Jaemin-hyung!” Jeno watched as Jisung and Chenle approached Jaemin with open arms. 

 

Jaemin managed a small grin before embracing the two youngest members. He wanted to do the same. Jeno saw Jaemin pressing a kiss onto their foreheads and giving them encouraging smiles and pats on the shoulder and complimenting them on how much they’ve improved. 

 

Taeyong mentioned how Jaemin lost something more important. He desperately wanted to know what exactly that the other boy lost. 

 

“Alright, should we take it from the top?” 

 

Jeno’s eyes widened as Jaemin stood up from the corner and walked over to his place. 

 

_ “5, 6, 7, 8.”  _

  
-  
  


He decided to walk around campus late at night to clear his head. Jaehyun, Taeyong, Johnny, Kun, Taeil, and Doyoung all gathered in Jaemin’s dorm room to make sure he had his medications for emergencies, food, water, and any other extra things he may need. Winwin stopped by to lend a game the younger one had been dying to play. 

 

He thanked each and every one of his hyungs personally. Jaemin didn’t know how he’d survive without them. Then again, he didn’t know how he’d survive without  _ him,  _ but there he was, walking across campus, alone. 

 

Jaemin kicked himself mentally for allowing himself to think that far. He stopped by a bench across the arts building and glanced up at the stars. Orion stood out in the dark blue background. He remembered stargazing a million times and never feeling alone. Now, there was an empty spot beside him. He remembered the countless of times they spent out in the country just star gazing in the summer, pointing out new constellations and making up their own. One time, they were lucky enough to see a shooting star; and Jaemin's wish continued to remain the same throughout the years. 

 

“Care if I join you?” 

 

Jaemin nearly ran from fright at the sound of the voice. Once his nervous system calmed down, he recognized the voice and the face. 

 

“Jeno! Hi. What are you doing here so late?” 

 

Jeno sat beside him, his eyes turning into those crescents Jaemin loved. “I could ask the same thing about you. It’s midnight and yet here you are. I heard the hyungs visited you today. I thought I’d do the same but it seemed like you weren’t in your room. So I came out here for a walk.” 

 

“You decided to visit me twelve in the morning?” 

 

“Well, when you have a tight schedule like mine, midnight is the only time I’m available before I sleep.” Jaemin nodded. “So, uh… How have you been?” 

 

Jaemin glanced up at Orion again. “Fine. I’m sorry if I scared you earlier. I really didn’t mean to cause a problem.” 

 

“The other members didn’t think it was a problem. They looked more worried than angry.” 

 

A small laugh escaped Jamin’s mouth. “Trust me, some of them are upset.” 

 

Yuta came to mind at Jaemin’s comment. 

 

“Can I ask the reasoning behind it?” 

 

“Behind what?” 

 

“You know what. Your panic attack. Like, what triggers them, why you have them, what happen-”

 

“Can you stop talking please? I’m not one  to open up to strangers rather quickly.” 

 

Jeno remembered how Taeyong said Jaemin liked a close group of people and how new people scare him. 

 

“I’m sorry. I was out of line to ask.” 

 

The sound of the leaves rustling and crickets singing fell before them. “Can I ask you something else?” 

 

“As long as it doesn’t pertain to what happened earlier, sure.” 

 

“Can I ask you out on a date?” 

 

Jaemin’s eyes widened. He shifted his gaze towards Jeno, unfazed by the reaction. “What?” 

 

“I asked if you could go on a date with me.” 

 

“Me?” Jaemin clarified, not sure if he heard the other boy correctly. “On a date with me? Why?” 

 

Jeno’s eyes smiled again. “Why not? You’re cute, smart, you’re musically talented, and I find you quite intriguing. You’re also flirty as hell, Na Jaemin.” 

 

Jaemin’s eyes narrowed. “What are you getting at?” 

 

“I’m saying, you want to be loved but you refuse to let people in who don’t already know you. I want to break that. So, can I go on a date with you?” 

 

It was the first time someone was genuinely interested in Jaemin. Someone who saw passed his actions and someone who slowly peered into the deep mind of his. It was the first time someone he found attractive wanted to get to know him better and wanted to get closer to him. It was the first time Jaemin’s heart skip a beat in a long time when the another male asked for a date. 

 

Jaemin didn’t know why he said yes. But he did. 

  
-  
  


“You think he’ll be, okay? I feel bad for just leaving him like that. We should’ve spent the night there. Jaehyun-”

 

Jaehyun silenced Taeyong by pressing their lips together. “Honestly, Tae, you worry too much. He’ll be fine.” 

 

“But remember the last time we left him alone? He nearly died! What if he tries something like that again?” 

 

Jaehyun slid into his bed, making room for Taeyong. “He won’t. He hasn’t tried anything like that in over a year. Jaemin’s gotten a lot better, Taeyong. Put some trust in him.” 

 

“No. I don’t trust a suicidal boy by himself after a panic attack. You’re taking this so lightly. Jaehyun what if something bad happens to him?” Taeyong laid beside the other male, eyes never once breaking contact. “We can’t lose another one.” 

 

Jaehyun gave in and reached underneath his pillow for his phone. He dialed Jaemin’s number and waited for the other boy to pick up. 

 

“Yes, hyung? Did you forget something?” 

 

Jaehyun put the phone on speaker. “No, Jaemin. Taeyong was just worried about you.” 

 

Taeyong grabbed the phone and asked, “Are you okay? Do you need anything? How are you feeling? Is there something wrong-”

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hyung. First off, I’m fine. You were just here ten minutes ago. Nothing’s changed with me. Second, I don’t need anything. You and the others stocked up my room for the next two weeks. Third, I’m feeling well, thank you. I’m going to bed soon; it’s almost midnight. And fourth, nothing’s wrong. You worry too much, Taeyong-hyung.” 

 

Taeyong sighed. “Well it’s my job to worry about you. Especially after what happened today.” 

 

“I know. I’m sorry. But really, I’m fine. You don’t have to worry. I promise.” 

 

“Okay, call us if you need anything, got it? I don’t care if you just want someone to sleep next to.” 

 

Jaehyun heard Jaemin’s innocent laughter come through the phone. “I promise. Good night, hyung.” 

 

“Good night, Jaemin.” Taeyong hung up and handed Jaehyun the piece of technology back. 

 

“Feel better?” A nod. “Good. See, I told you he’s fine.” 

 

Taeyong buried himself in Jaehyun’s embrace. “I know. But you can’t blame me for worrying. I just hope he knows no matter what, you and I are always there for him.” 

 

Jaehyun smiled softly. “He knows. Believe me, he knows.” 

  
-  
  


_ Nine centimeters thick of snow covered the city Christmas Day. Jaemin and Renjun’s family were both out of town leaving the two boys by themselves in Jaemin’s house. The heat from the fireplace warmed the household and the two occupants as they baked sugar cookies.  _

 

_ “Not too much sugar, Jaemin. It’ll be too sweet.”  _

 

_ Jaemin mixed in a cup of sugar into a small bowl of butter. “Why? Are you afraid of the cookies being sweeter than you?”  _

 

_ That earned him a headlock. “You’re such a sap.”   _

 

_ Jaemin dramatically reached out and grasped the air. “H-help. Injun… You’re suffocating me.”  _

 

_ Renjun eventually let go, Jaemin turning around and kissing him gently. “You know you love my romantic side.”  _

 

_ “Unfortunately.”  _

 

_ After mixing the ingredients together, the two boys began rolling the dough into little balls and arranging them onto a pan lined with parchment paper. Once all the dough was used, Renjun placed the tray in the oven and pressed the start button.  _

 

_ He felt Jaemin’s arms around his small waist as he washed the dishes. “Nana…” He warned playfully.  _

 

_ Jaemin just rested his chin on Renjun’s shoulder, swaying back and forth gently. “Mmm. I love it when you call me that.”  _

 

_ And that comment earned him an elbow to the ribcage.  _

 

_ Jaemin loved the way Renjun smelled. The smaller boy smelled like a brand new T-shirt with a hint of peppermint. He buried his nose in Renjun’s pale neck, inhaling deeply as his embrace tightened.  _

 

_ “Renjun…” He whispered lovingly. “Stay with me forever, okay?”  _

 

_ The bright smiled appeared as Renjun answered, “Always.”  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses as to what happened to Jaemin?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaeyong is basically the couples counselor of Renmin

“Taeyong-hyung, can I talk to you about something?” Jaemin asked as soon as they were alone. 

 

Taeyong, Jaehyun, Johnny, Ten, and Jaemin all sat at a table in corner of the library away from the other students. Jaehyun, Johnny and Ten were all checking out books they needed for class, leaving Jaemin with his beloved hyung. 

 

“What is it?” 

 

Jaemin hesitated to answer at first, not positive if he should tell Taeyong. 

 

“Well… ummm… I kind of got a date, you see.” 

 

Taeyong tried to hide his surprised and confused reaction. “A date with who?” 

 

Now Jaemin really didn’t want to answer. Eventually, he mustered up all the strength to say the name. “J-Jeno.” 

 

“JENO?” Taeyong slammed his hands on the table. “You’re going a fucking date with  _ Jeno?”  _

 

Jaemin wanted to hide from embarrassment. If it weren’t for the fact they sat at the back corner of the library, the entire school would’ve heard Taeyong yelling. 

 

“Oi, what’s all the noise about, Taeyong?” Johnny asked, returning with his stack of books along with Jaehyun and Ten.

 

Taeyong sat back down, trying to recompose himself. The three other members gathered around, waiting for Jaemin to repeat what he said. 

 

“Well, uh… I was just telling Taeyong-hyung how I have a date with Jeno.” 

 

Johnny nearly dropped his book and Jaehyun just blankly stared at the boy. 

 

“A date… with- with Jeno? As in Lee Jeno? Lee Jeno in our dance team? Lee Jeno as is Doyoung’s dongsaeng in his MC class?  _ That _ Lee Jeno?” Johnny clarified. 

 

“The one and only.” 

 

“Why does he want to go out on a date with you? He barely knows you and you guys don’t interact outside of dance practice.” Ten added, opening his metaphysics book. 

 

“Look, all I know is he wanted to get to know me better and the only way to do that for him was to take me out on a date.” Jaemin tried to be annoyed by Ten’s comment. 

 

“So when and where are you going out?” Taeyong asked, slightly worried about what would happen on this “date.” 

 

“I’m not sure, he didn’t really say. He just asked if he could take me out on a date.” 

 

“You’re saying he asked you on a date but didn’t say when or where?” Jaehyun clarified. “What the hell, Jeno? Can’t you have a plan before asking out our Jaemin?” 

 

“Seriously though. He’s asking  _ Na Jaemin _ out on a date, god.” 

 

Johnny rolled his eyes at Ten’s words. “Ignore him. Did you atleast text him to ask about the details?” 

 

The four hyungs watched as color drained from Jaemin’s face. “I don’t have his number! I’m such an idiot!” 

 

Taeyong chuckled lightly. “Your game’s not as strong as it used to be, huh Jaemin?” 

 

Sadness washed over Jaemin’s face as he spoke. “Well, it has been a while since the last time…” He felt Ten’s hand ruffle his hair, knowing that his hyung was trying to lighten the mood. “I guess I’ll just have to sharpen up again.” 

 

It had been three years since Jaemin last went on a date with someone. Three years. He nearly forgot what it was like to ask someone out on a date. It had been so long; he couldn’t remember quite clearly. 

 

“Hyung, I know you’re worried about me. I know you’re curious as to why Jeno even asked me. But believe it when I say, I’m genuinely interested in him, too. I want to get to know him better. He’s nice and smart and I just want to see how it goes. Is that so bad?” 

 

Taeyong shook his head, playing a hand on the back of Jaemin’s neck. “Of course not. We just don’t want your heart broken again.” 

 

“We don’t want a repeat of what happened. We know you have a lot of love to give and you deserve someone who’ll listen to you and love you back.” Ten added. 

 

“And Jeno might be the one, hyung. Something about him just made me curious. It made me want to date again.” 

 

“Well as long as it’s Jeno and not some random freak.” Johnny commented.

 

“Does Mark know?” Knowing how much the other boy loved Jaemin and how protective he was over Jaemin, Ten understood that if Mark found out, things were going to get complicated. 

 

“No. And I don’t think I’ll tell him until the first date is done. You know how Mark-hyung is. Ever since the last guy, any person that dare look at me lustfully is automatically beaten up.” 

 

A sad smile spread across Jaehyun’s lips at Jaemin’s words. “Kind of like someone we used to know.”  
  
-

_ Jaemin didn’t even notice it. Renjun did, though. A senior male had been eyeing Jaemin for the past three months. Renjun knew no one other than their group that knew of their relationship. He and Jaemin only started dating a month ago. Beforehand, Jaemin was a nonstop flirt. Sometimes, Renjun just wanted to shut him up and tell him that he’d be more than happy to date Jaemin.  _

 

_ But the start of the semester, on their walk to school, Jaemin sheepishly asked Renjun out on a date.  _

 

_ “A date?” Renjun asked, raising a brow at his best friend.  _

 

_ Jaemin scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, a date. You know me and you by ourselves doing… whatever.”  _

 

_ “Whatever?”  _

 

_ Jaemin panicked. “I-I’ll plan something out, don’t worry. I was just wondering if you’d like to go out with me.”  _

 

_ Renjun smiled. “We’ve been friends since we started kindergarten.” Jaemin didn't like where this was going. “I waited a year for you to ask me out. I should’ve done it before we started high school.”  _

 

_ A dumbstruck expression washed over Jaemin’s face. “Huh?”  _

 

_ Renjun stopped and grabbed his friend’s arm. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask me out for a year. I was getting so impatient I was starting to regret not asking you out on a date a long time ago.”  _

 

_ “So… it’s a yes?”  _

 

_ Jaemin’s eyes widened as Renjun lifted his heels off the ground and kissed him on the cheek. “Yes.”  _

-

Jeno received a text from an unknown number asking for the details of a date.  _ This must be Jaemin.  _ Jeno responded saying he wanted to go out on Saturday and where they would be going was a secret. The other male responded back with enthusiasm. 

 

During the entirety of his mathematics class, Jeno couldn’t stop thinking about Jaemin. The dark haired boy had the brightest smile Jeno had ever seen, and he himself was told he had a radiating smile. Jaemin was kind to those close to him and Jeno could feel the love radiating from the other male along with his strong aura. 

 

He had heard Jaemin used to keep to himself the past two years and it wasn’t until the start of this year’s semester that he actually became more open. The boy was a mystery for sure. But Jeno didn’t want to find out all of Jaemin’s secrets from other people; he wanted the younger boy to say it himself. 

 

Along with love, Jeno sensed pain and guilt. Like how the emotions inside were contents of a soda bottle. Once in a while, they would bubble up and want to burst, but the dark haired boy would stop and let the emotions calm down before proceeding with life, never getting a chance to let the bubbles out. Jeno wanted to be there when bottle burst open.  

 

His professor excused the class early and to Jeno’s luck, he spotted Jaemin in front of a vending machine, wanting to buy an iced coffee. 

 

Jaemin nearly dropped his money when he felt strong arms around his shoulders. 

 

He glanced up to see Jeno’s reflection in the glass. A grin formed on his face. 

 

“You have a habit of scaring me, don’t you?” 

 

Jeno let the smaller male go and took out his wallet, swiping his card on the machine. “Pick whatever you want, it’s on me.” 

 

The grin never faded as Jaemin chose his iced caramel mocha. “Thank you. What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in class?” 

 

“Our professor let us out early. Are you free right now?” 

 

“I have thirty minutes to kill until sociology.” 

 

“Want to to grab lunch?” 

 

The cafeteria served decent food for the price. Jeno order jajangmyeon and tteokbokki for the both of them. They sat at the booth in the corner of the cafeteria, away from everyone else. 

 

“Not even the weekend yet and you’re already treating me to food.” Jaemin smiled as Jeno came back with their lunch. 

 

“Is there a problem with that?” Jeno handed him a pair of chopsticks and a cup of water. 

 

Jaemin shook his head. “Not at all. It’s just a nice change from all the other people I’ve dated in the past.” 

 

Jeno was rather curious about Jaemin’s sexuality; from the outside, it looked like the boy could go either way. “So, are you…” 

 

“It swings both ways for me.” He answered, knowing exactly what Jeno wanted to ask. “What about you?” 

 

“I’m the same way.” 

 

“Although recently, no girls have been interesting enough. The guys in this school are better for relationships than the girls.” 

 

“I’m sure you get a lot of requests either way.” Jeno said before eating a mouthful of noodles. 

 

Jaemin’s response was barely audible, “I used to.” 

 

The two ate lunch in content silence, Jaemin stealing glances at Jeno from time to time. In the midst of eating, Jaemin set his chopsticks down and folded his hand on the table, just watching the boy in front of him eat. Jeno didn’t notice right away. 

 

“What? Are you done eating?” Jaemin nodded. “What are you looking at me for?” 

 

He broke out into a smile. “Nothing. You’re just really handsome.” 

 

Jeno choked on the noodles at the response. “I am not.” 

 

“I bet you get a lot of attention in your classes. I’m jealous. All those guys and girls get to watch you while I have to wait until after school to see you? If you ask me, I don’t find it fair.” 

 

A blush crept up Jeno’s cheek as he looked away at the compliment. “Stop. God, you’re such a flirt.” 

 

“And that’s exactly what you called me the other night.” 

 

Seriously. Jeno couldn’t believe how naturally flirty Jaemin became. It was like someone let the beast out or something. 

 

“Well, well, well, what do we have here? Lovebirds in paradise?” Jeno glanced up to see Doyoung with a tray and Kun and Taeil behind him. 

 

“Hyung! Ah, Jaemin and I-”

 

“Jeno treated me to ice coffee and lunch, hyung! Isn’t he sweet?” 

 

All Jeno wanted to do know was disappear. Jaemin was totally manipulating their situation. 

 

“Really? How adorable. Jeno found our little Jaemin to be cute. Good job on bringing him into our group, Doyoung.” Kun teased. 

 

Jeno pulled up the hood of his jacket, hiding his red face from the others. In the midst of all the teasing, he caught Jaemin smiling towards him so fondly. Why’d he have to be so handsome?   


-

_ Renjun crossed paths with the senior when all the students were gone. He stayed behind to help paint a wall in one of the classrooms.  _

 

_ “Huang Renjun right?” The older male asked as Renjun cornered him. “What can I do for you?”  _

 

_ Renjun’s expression wasn’t kind or understanding. He meant to kill. “This is your one and only warning. I don’t want you anywhere near Jaemin, do you understand?”  _

 

_ “Ohh what do we have here? A jealous friend?” The senior smiled maliciously. “You know, I find it interesting how you look at Jaemin like he was the center of the universe. Could it be because you’re more than a friend to him?”  _

 

_ Renjun couldn’t put him in a chokehold, he was too short.  _

 

_ “I’m warning you. If I see you anywhere near Jaemin again, you will feel pain.”  _

 

_ “And if your family finds out about your homosexual relationship with Na Jaemin, you’re good as dead.”  _

 

_ Renjun desperately wanted to stab the other male. “My family affairs have nothing to do with this.”  _

 

_ “Oh, I believe it does. If the news gets out of the school campus, word will get around to parents and eventually yours. And when your family realizes you’re dating another male, you can kiss your relationship with Jaemin good-bye.”  _

 

_ Renjun gritted his teeth at the truth. His parents were the most homophobic people he had ever met and them finding out about his and Jaemin’s relationship would be detrimental.  _

 

_ “Now, you’re going to listen to me, Huang Renjun. Keep your pointless threats to yourself or I will have my ways.”  _

 

_ Before the senior walked passed him, Renjun grabbed him by the neck and shoved him against the wall. “My threats aren’t pointless.”  _

-

Jaemin nearly jumped at the sound of three textbooks lightly hitting the table. He shifted his gaze up to see Mark staring back with a small scowl on his face. 

 

“Mark-hyung. What can I do for you?” 

 

Mark sat in front of the boy, eyes never softening to the ones Jaemin was used to. “I heard you and Jeno are going out sometime this week?” 

 

Oh no. 

 

“Mark-hyung-”

 

“I really don’t think it’s a good idea.” 

 

“You don’t think me going out with  _ any  _ guy is a good idea.” Jaemin wasn’t in the mood to argue with Mark; he just spent time with Jeno and didn’t want his happiness to deflate. 

 

“Do I have to remind you what other people have done and said to you? Do you want to go back there?” 

 

No, Jaemin refused to go back to those days. But those people didn’t understand him; they hear of his pasts and all of a sudden, he’s the bad guy. All Jaemin wanted was for someone to listen to him the way his members did. Jeno knew nothing of what happened and wanted to know more about him. Everything about Lee Jeno was attractive to Jaemin; from his dancing, to his looks, to his intelligence, from the way he respected his other members and on top of everything else, he wanted to know Jaemin by spending time together and not by asking other people.  

 

“What’s wrong with Jeno? All the hyungs like him and Chenle and Jisung both like him, too. I’m sure you don’t have a problem with him.” 

 

_ - _

_ “So, why are you avoiding Renjun again?”  _

 

_ “I’m not.”  _

 

_ Taeyong watched as Jaemin ignored Renjun’s fourth phone call. “Uh-huh. Okay, you’re going to have to explain things to me.”  _

 

_ Taeyong sat in the practice room with Jaemin and Jaehyun, the younger boy seeking him earlier in the morning.”  _

 

_ “I found out more and more students are learning about our relationship. I’m just worried about him, that’s all.”  _

 

_ “You’re worried about Renjun? You do realize that kid may be short but he’s fully capable of suplexing anyone bigger than him.”  _

 

_ Jaehyun was right; Renjun was cute and deadly at the same time. And honestly, it was one of the things that made him incredibly attractive to Jaemin.  _

 

_ “I know. But it’s not the same with his parents.”  _

 

_ Now they understood. “Look, Jaemin. Renjun knew the risk of his family finding out when he agreed to date you. You knew it as well. But if you’re going to make decisions about your relationship without him, it’s not fair.”  _

 

_ “Hyung, you don’t understand. If Renjun’s parents find out, he’s out of his family’s fortune! What’ll he have after that? Nothing.”  _

 

_ Taeyong sighed and rolled his eyes lightly. He sat on the floor against the mirror next to the younger boy. “You know what Renjun will still have if his parents found out?” Jaemin glanced towards his hyung, waiting for the answer. “You. He’ll still have you. Believe me Jaemin, money isn’t everything in a relationship. Sure, it’s nice. But you’ll still be just as content without his family fortune. The two of you are still young; you’ll go through even more challenges as you get older. You need to settle this together. And actually listen to him, don’t just argue with each other.” He ruffled Jaemin’s dark brown hair with an encouraging smile. “Okay?”  _

 

_ Jaemin’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest at the sound of someone kicking the door open.  _

 

_ “Na Jaemin I know you’re here!” Renjun.  _

 

_ Taeyong shot up, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “Go get ‘em, tiger. Good morning, Renjun. Jaehyun and I were just heading out.” Taeyong wasted no time to drag Jaehyun out and shut the door behind him, leaving the two to sort out their problems.  _

 

_ Renjun stood in front of Jaemin, arms crossed, and eyes slightly narrowed in anger. “Care to explain to me why you haven’t been responding?”  _

 

_ Jaemin wasn’t scared of Renjun when the latter was slightly angry with him. He patted to the space next to him. Renjun gave in and sat down, his expression never changing.  _

 

_ “What would you say if I told you more people are finding out about us?”  _

 

_ Renjun just shrugged his shoulders. “Why do I care what people think? They’re not the ones dating you.”  _

 

_ “Right. But what if word gets out and your family finds out.”  _

 

_ Now Renjun understood. He groaned in annoyance, almost wanting to leave Jaemin by himself. “Nana, it’s my job to worry about my family, not yours. Besides, the rumors haven’t even reached everyone in school.” Renjun reached for Jaemin’s hand, forcing their eyes to meet. “If they do find out, I’ll handle it.”  _

 

_ Jaemin remained quiet for a while. Everything Renjun was saying contradicted What Taeyong told him; Renjun was making decisions for their relationship by himself.  _

 

_ He let out a defeated sight and proposed, “How about this, from now on, we face our relationship problems together. We don’t make decisions regarding our relationship without each other’s consent? That way we both have a say on what happens.”  _

 

_ Renjun’s expression changed, showing confusion and comprehension before nodding. “Agreed. You know, that might be the most mature thing you’ve ever said Jaemin.”That earned him a slap on the arm.  _

 

_ Jaemin held out a hand and said, “Promise?”  _

 

_ Renjun stared at Jaemin’s open hand before yanking the boy closer to him and pressing their lips together. “Promise.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rather lengthy, I know. Next chapter we'll see more of Jeno and Jaemin's date  
> Why Mark is an overprotective big brother   
> And more Renmin moments  
> Don't worry, heavy load of angst will be here soon enough. Prepare yourselves. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno and Jaemin's date!

Jaemin pulled a pink sweater on top of his white polo, fixing the collar. It had been rather cool lately for early fall. Jeno didn’t say where they were going, but he figured the other male got everything under control and he’d just enjoy the day.    
  


When one o’clock hit, Jaemin received a text, saying Jeno was outside. Jaemin locked his dorm and skipped down the stairs to the outside of his dorm.    
  


Jeno stood by the curb standing next to a sedan wearing a white button down tucked in a pair of jeans above his black sneakers. “Ready?”    
  


Jaemin eyed the car cautiously. “We’re taking a car?”    
  


Jeno opened the passenger side, slightly confused. “Um, yeah? Is that okay with you?”    
  


He watched as Jaemin took a deep breath, hands trembling. “I… Is it okay if we walk there? Or take a bus? I…”    
  


Jeno shut the door and locked the car. He offered out a hand with a soft smile. “It’s not that far from here. Come on.”    
  


In reality, Jeno wanted to take him into the heart of the city for their date. Instead of a bus, they took the train. And being a weekend, people crowded the train cars. Jeno found an empty seat at the corner of the car and carefully shoved his way towards the back. He sat down on the seat, pulling Jaemin down on his lap. The boy was a lot lighter than he thought.    
  


The entire time, Jaemin’s face heated up. He was sitting on Jeno’s lap without the other boy asking if it was okay. This date was starting off just right. But God was Jaemin embarrassed as hell.    
  


As they waited on their food, Jaemin continued eyeing a hamster plushie displayed on a shop shop window across the restaurant. He didn’t have one of those yet. His smile faded, remembering all the plushies half his size gifted to him at random times of the year. He left most of them back at his house, some he took to college with him.    
  


Jaemin talked non stop about his food and about the members the entire time they ate. Jeno didn’t mind, he liked the sound of Jaemin’s voice and excitement. His smile radiated joy it made Jeno smile unconsciously.    
  


“I would’ve thought you were rather quiet, Jaemin. In fact, you’re talker, aren’t you?”    
  


Jaemin shrugged, digging out his wallet from his back pocket.    
  


“Don’t bother, I’m paying.” Jaemin glanced up to see Jeno eyes still in their crescent shape.    
  


Going on a date when the other person paid was rare for Jaemin. The guys that took him out in the past would often beg him to pay and Jaemin didn’t complain. He didn’t mind paying as long as they had a good time. Now, it made him feel guilty he wasn’t paying. Jeno covered their train passes and now lunch, too.    
  


“So, where to next?” 

-

It had been ages since Jaemin went to and updated arcade just a few doors down the restaurant. Most of them were interactive games. They tried everything sports related from boxing, baseball, soccer, archery, and even dancing. During a dance, they needed to hold each other close. Jaemin grinned as he felt Jeno’s strong hand on his back and their other hands laced together. He internally thanked the game makers. Unbeknownst to Jaemin, Jeno knew how to dance to slow music with a partner.   
  


While taking a break, Jeno disappeared for a short time. During which, Jaemin excitedly texted Jaehyun and Taeyong about his date so far. He couldn’t help that his heart beat a million beats per second with Jeno. He expected his hyungs to be as excited as him, instead they texted him to get off his phone and spend time with Jeno.    
  


Jaemin rolled his eyes, shoving his phone back in his pocket the moment the other boy returned. He carried a rather large white paper bag with baby blue tissue paper covering the top.    
  


“What’d you buy?”     
  


“Oh, nothing. My friend’s birthday is tomorrow and I forgot to get him a gift. So I thought to buy one while we’re out.”    
  


It was that day Jaemin found out Jeno wasn’t a very good liar. The boy couldn’t even look at him in the eyes as he spoke. Then again, maybe it was because Jaemin’s gaze was too mesmerizing Jeno didn’t want to be pulled in.    
  


They walked around the department store, looking through new shoes and outfits broke college kids couldn’t afford. Though, Jaemin knew Chenle could probably buy one of everything in the Tommy Hilfiger store. Jaemin took one look at the price tag of a bomber jacket and sighed.    
  


“Well, we can’t afford anything in here.”    
  


“I know. You’d think they have a poor college kids section.”    
  


“They call that a second hand store. Although…” Jaemin picked up a red zipper stripe cardigan and a black plaid shirt. “Doesn’t mean we can’t try something on.”    
  


Jeno waited outside the waiting room, hearing every time Jaemin zipped and unzipped a piece of clothing. He mentally slapped himself when his thought started drifting. Jaemin had a nice built, he wasn’t too skinny or too muscly and he was about the same height as Jeno. Not to mention Jaemin’s big brown eyes complementing his face.    
  


Jaemin unlocked the door and walked out in the new clothes. Jeno’s mouth dropped. “How does it look?”    
  


“Wow… It really suits you.”    
  


Jaemin turned to face the mirror, a bright smile forming. “I don’t look too bad.”    
  


“You can never look bad.” Jeno didn’t think much before saying that. He watched Jaemin blush and slightly turn his head away.    
  


“It looks nice, but the price is ridiculous. I just wanted to see what it looked like.”    
  


Before Jaemin went back to change, Jeno started taking off the tags. “Jeno! What are you doing, we can’t steal these!”    
  


Jeno just grinned. “Shut up will you. I’m not stealing.” Jeno collected both the tags and headed to the checkout counter. He presented the tags to the cashier. “I’d like to buy these. But my friend will be wearing it out. I hope that’s okay.”    
  


The cashier glanced at Jaemin still standing by the fitting rooms dumbstruck. “Sure. I’ll ring you right up.”    
  


“Jeno! What are you doing?”   
  


Jeno glanced over at Jaemin, waved and smiled. Honestly, Jaemin didn’t know how to react. Jeno was buying him expensive clothing. The entire date, Jeno paid for the train tickets, their food, their arcade experience and now Jaemin’s clothes? How fucking rich was this kid? Just a moment ago, he agreed that the store was too expensive, now he’s acting like Chenle when it comes to money.    
  


Jeno came back with a paper bag and handed it off to Jaemin. “Put your other clothes in here.”    
  


“Why’d you do that?”    
  


“Do what?”    
  


“Buy these?”    
  


“I thought you looked good in them. Don’t worry, money’s not a problem for me.”    
  


Jaemin stared at him helplessly. “You sound just like Chenle.”    
  


Jeno shrugged. “Lets go.”    
  


Jaemin never thought he’d be embarrassed by the amount of people that stole glances of him and Jeno.    
  


“Jeno,” Jaemin whispered. “Why are people staring at me?”    
  


He observed the people around them and realized so many women stole glances at Jaemin. “It’s because Na Jaemin is good looking, that’s why.”    
  


Naturally, Jaemin doesn’t blush at compliments. But for some reason, Jeno calling him handsome made his heart skip a beat. He accepted the compliment when Taeyong, Jaehyun, and Yuta called him handsome. But when Jeno complimented his looks, he felt the same way when Renjun called him handsome.   
  


And he hasn’t felt like that in a long time.    
  


When Jeno dropped Jaemin off at his dorm, the older boy stopped Jaemin and handed him the white paper bag Jeno’s had since the afternoon.    
  


“I thought this was for your friend?”    
  


“I lied. Open it. I think you’d really like it.”    
  


Jaemin pulled out the tissue paper and nearly gasped at the content inside. It was the the hamster plushie he eyed when they ate lunch. 

 

“Jeno, how did you-?”   
  


“I saw you constantly looking at it when we were at the restaurant. I think it’ll match with the other plushies you have in your dorm, too.” He didn’t know why, but Jaemin wanted to cry. “If you don’t like it I can always return it?” Jaemin’s expressionless face worried Jeno. He didn’t think of the possibility that Jaemin liked one of the other plushies on the window display.    
  


Jaemin shook his head, hugging the plushie closer to him. “I love it. Thank you. Thank you so much for today. I had a lot of fun.”    
  


Jeno’s eyes turned into those cute crescents Jaemin had come to love. “I’m glad you had fun. I’ll see you Monday. Have a good night, okay?”    
  


When they hugged, Jaemin never wanted to let go. Unlike the others in the past, Jeno was warm and kind and considerate. He looked after Jaemin unlike the others. The embrace lingered on for a while, Jaemin inhaling Jeno’s masculine scent and feeling the muscles on the taller boy. Jeno really had a nice body.    
  


“Alright, go to bed. It’s getting late.”    
  


Jaemin nodded and watched as Jeno drove off, waving an innocent good-bye.    
  


The second Jaemin entered his dorm, he called Jaehyun. It only took two rings before the boy picked up.    
  


“Hello?”    
  


“Hyung! You have to come here now!” Jaemin exclaimed, his heart still beating a million beats per second.    
  


“Why? How was your date?”    
  


“Come over and I’ll tell you everything!”    
  


Jaehyun groaned on the other line. “Fine, Taeyong and I are on our way.”    
  


Jaehyun and Taeyong along with Doyoung and Kun all had keys to Jaemin’s dorm room after the stunts Jaemin pulled during his first and second year, the university allowed his close friends access to his room.    
  


Jaemin laid on his bed, holding his plushie up above him, still wearing the clothes Jeno bought him. He sat up immediately the second he heard the door open. Jaehyun and Taeyong came into view along with Yuta and Sicheng. Usually, Jaemin would mind having more than four in his dorm, but he was too happy to care.    
  


Jaehyun gave him a peculiar look the minute he saw the younger boy. “I know for a fact you didn’t own that outfit before today.” 

 

The stupid wide smile on Jaemin’s lips never died. “You’re right, hyung. Jeno bought it for me! We went out to lunch, went shopping, played in the arcade and he paid for everything! He even bought me a new plushie!” Jaemin happily held out the hamster plush for his hyungs to see.   
  


Taeyong and Sicheng couldn’t hide their smiles. Hearing an excited Jaemin was rare nowadays. They sat beside Jaemin, Taeyong ruffling his hair. “Sounds like you had a great time. By the way, this outfit looks great on you.”    
  


“Thanks! And I did, hyung. It was one of the better dates I’ve had. He didn’t complain when I didn’t pay, he actually didn’t give me a chance to pay for anything. He complimented me, listened to me, and even observed me. He took the time to know me for me and not just use me for a one night stand or something.”    
  


“Well good. If he was a one night stand person, I might have to kick Doyoung for introducing that kid to us.” There were times Jaemin enjoyed Yuta’s protectiveness.    
  


“So… uh… When are you going to tell him about Renjun?” 

  
Jaehyun watched Jaemin’s bright smile fade to a thin line on his face. The air became awkward and silent.  
  


_ Thanks for ruining the mood,  _ Taeyong thought to himself.    
  


“The only reason I asked is because he’s going to be with us for a while. And if everything goes well between the two of you, you’ll be together. If he’s genuine, he needs to know. He can’t be kept out of the dark forever.”    
  


Jaemin nodded. “I know, hyung. I’ll tell him soon. Don’t- don’t worry.”

-

The next day in practice, everyone wondered if Jeno and Jaemin needed their own room. Jaemin was a natural flirt for sure, but his playboy attitude hadn’t been seen since before he and Renjun started dating. Everyone nearly forgot how fucking flirty Jaemin was.    
  


Taeyong observed from the outside, sitting a bit farther away from the other members besides Jaehyun, taking a bite of an apple.  
  


“You know, ever since the year started, I’ve been slowly starting to see the old Jaemin. The way he smiles, laughs, and even moves.”    
  


Jaehyun nodded, pulling Taeyong’s head to his shoulder. “I know what you mean. I guess his intensive therapy is working alongside his support group. I just hope Jeno won’t turn out to be like the others in the past.”    
  


The two watched as Jaemin tried to give Jeno a kiss on the cheek and Jeno avoiding the other boy any way he could. Fifteen different laughs filled the room, but Chenle’s was the loudest. Taeyong turned his head towards the door when he heard the knob turn.    
  


“Taeyong, you guys have a visitor.” A voice announced.    
  


Taeyong stood up as a staff opened the door to the dance room and in stepped a man he hadn’t seen in years.    
  


“Yixing-xuezhang!” Chenle bolted up and nearly tackled the man to the ground. “Long time no see! What are you doing here?”    
  


The man named Yixing grinned, a dimple showing on his cheek. “I thought I’d visit you guys. It’s been a while.” He petted Chenle’s head with a sweet smile. His gaze then turned to the group, eyes locking with Jaemin. “How’ve you been, Jaemin?” 

-

_ “Yixing-xuezhang!” Renjun burst through the door of Exo’s practice room, two guards behind him. _

_ - _

__ Yixing and eight other guys stood up. “Renjun? It’s okay, guys. He’s with me.” The security guards nodded, letting the boy go. “What are you doing here? And why was security after you?”  
  


__ “I accidentally put one of them in a chokehold.”   
  


__ Junmyeon raised an eyebrow. “Accidentally? How do you-”  
  


__ “Gege! What am I going to do about my parents? I told Nana I was okay solving our problems together, but I don’t think the two of us combined can even change my parents’ minds. What do I do when they find out? What’s going to-”  
  


__ “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. What’s the problem?”   
  


__ Yixing sat Renjun down on the floor, the members of Exo surrounding him. “Word got around school that Jaemin and I are dating. If their parents find out, sooner or later, mine will, too. I don’t know what to do when they find out.”   
  


__ “Maybe you shouldn’t have dated him in the first place.” Sehun teased, shrugging his shoulders playfully.   
  


__ “And Yixing-ge could’ve done so much better but unfortunately he’s stuck dating your leader.”   
  


__ Yixing tried to hold in his laugh as he watched Sehun and Junmyeon’s face morph into offended expressions.   
  


__ “Look, if your parents find out, let me know. Maybe I can change their mind. Don’t worry about it too much. Just enjoy your time together, okay?”   
  


__ “Yixing, don’t give the boy false hopes if it’s just going to crash in the end.” Junmyeon still wasn’t over Renjun’s comment earlier.   
  


__ “That’s what I tell Yixing-ge everytime he mentions you wanting to marry him.”  
  


_ The entire group burst out in laughter, Chanyeol turning to Jongin and hitting him on the arm.  
_

__ Yixing was Renjun’s guardian since the boy moved to Korea. Yixing taught him Korean, looked after him when his parents were away on business trips, met his best friend Jaemin and frequently babysat the two boys when during their adolescence. Yixing also found out about Renjun and Jaemin’s relationship first and supported them wholeheartedly. Zhang Yixing was more of a father figure to Renjun than Renjun’s actual father. His parents listened to what Yixing had to say and his reasonings. If they found out about Renjun’s sexuality and dating rumor, they’d turn to Yixing for explanation and luckily, he was on Renjun’s side.  
  


_ “I’ll take care of everything if anything goes wrong, okay?" _

-

The group waited outside the practice room while Yixing talked to Jaemin. Little by little, Jeno slowly caught up to the group’s secrets and dynamics. 

  
“So, care to tell me how you guys know the infamous Zhang Yixing?” Jeno asked innocently.  
  


Sicheng responded. “Jaemin- Jaemin’s known him for a while. Even before he got famous.”    
  


“Yixing-xuezhang used to look after him when he was younger. When he got famous, he rarely had time to check up on Jaemin-hyung. This is the first time he’s visited in years.”    
  


“I wonder if he’s still as absent minded as always.” Sicheng recalled, a smirk on his face.    
  


“Renjun was so much like him.”    
  


Kun stopped talking the second the name slipped out. Everyone stared at Kun with wide eyes the moment they heard the name.    
  


“Renjun?”  
  


“An old friend.” Jaehyun answered immediately, covering up Kun’s slip up.

  
Jeno nodded slowly, understanding there was more to this Renjun than what the members were wanting to say. No one spoke afterwards. Mark despised the fact they hid everything about Renjun. But at the same time, he understood. He just missed his friend just like the rest of the group.

-

On his way to the library, a couple students stopped Jeno. “Hey, we heard you went out with Na Jaemin?”    
  


“I did. Is something wrong with that?”    
  


Jeno figured Jaemin had a rough start to college. He also knew that everyone in the school knew Jaemin’s sexuality. Hell, all of NCT is dating each other and no one has qualms about it. What was wrong about Jaemin?    
  


The two student exchanged looks and leaned in closer. “Since you’re new here, we’ll let you in a little secret to save your ass. A rumor went around a couple years ago that Jaemin killed his previous boyfriend.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took longer than expected. I hope you're ready for the wave that's about to hit ;) 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	5. Huang Renjun Pt.I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He loved him. He really loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! So this chapter and the next one will mostly focus on Renjun and stuff that happened before the main story line. I hope you guys like it!

_The entire class sat back and listened as their teacher introduced a young Chinese boy. “Okay everyone. This is your new classmate, Huang Renjun. He just moved here from China so let’s all be kind to him.”_    


_This Renjun had straight black hair, a sharp nose and a rather thinner face for someone who was five years old. Renjun bowed deeply._  


_“It’s nice to meet you all.”_  


_Jaemin heard snickering around the room at the new student’s Korean pronunciation. He didn’t think it was funny. Sure it was different, but it was still comprehensible._  


_“Your desk is by Jaemin, over there. Please take a seat.” The teacher pointed at the next on Jaemin’s right._  


_Renjun nodded and gathered his belongings, settling down nicely. He glanced around, trying to familiarize himself with his classmates. On his left was a boy who possessed the most radiant smile Renjun had ever seen._  


_“Hi.” The boy greeted. “My name is Jaemin. If you need anything, just let me know.”_  


_Renjun nodded. He understood Korean, but didn’t speak it very well. He was more comfortable speaking Mandarin. The school had put him in an extra class to help with his Korean everyday after classes._  


_The language barrier made it hard for Renjun to approach people on the first day. He sat in an empty table during lunch, catching glances of other kids pointing to him and whispering about him. During recess, he sat on a swing alone, continuing to observe the other kids._  


_They had their own cliques and Renjun knew it’d be hard to join any group if he couldn’t say much to them. Then, he felt a hand on his back and suddenly, he was swinging._  


_A boy sat on the swing next to him and started moving his legs. Renjun recognized him. Jaemin...?_  


_“I thought you could use a friend.” He smiled so brightly Renjun wondered if Jaemin knew of the word sadness. “You don’t talk very much, do you?”_  


_“I… uh… I do. I don’t speak Korean well.”_  


_“Hey he does talk! Don’t worry, I can help you if you want? You can teach me how to speak Mandarin in return!”_  


_Na Jaemin was the only friend Renjun made growing up. Sure he had acquaintances, but no one like Jaemin. And Renjun didn’t mind. Jaemin was worth more than ten “friends.” Jaemin taught him Korean words they wouldn’t teach in school and Renjun in return, taught him basic Mandarin._  


_When his parents nagged him about only having Jaemin, Renjun tried expanding his horizons. It ended miserably and immediately. Renjun’s family owned a lot of money. They lived in a mansion in one of Seoul’s most coveted districts and had houses all over Asia. The second kids found out about Renjun’s wealth, he suddenly had “friends.” He turned every single one away. They would have never approached him if they never knew of his fortune._  


_When asked why he didn’t turn Jaemin away, Renjun answered simply. “Nana didn’t know how much money we had before talking to me.”  
_

_-_

_Throughout the years, Jaemin met Yixing, Renjun’s older brother figure. Yixing was part of a new group called EXO and whenever he had time, he’d watch over Renjun and Jaemin. Yixing watched the two boys grow up with each other. When talking to Renjun, the boy spoke of nothing but Moomin, singing, and Jaemin. Mostly Jaemin. Yixing started noticing Renjun’s affectionate gaze on the other boy more often than not. When he confronted Renjun about it at fourteen, the younger boy denied everything, saying how he only saw Jaemin as his best friend._  


_In reality, Renjun developed a crush on his best friend the year before. Renjun was sick during winter break he couldn’t go to his family’s trip. So, Jaemin stayed with him. It became a usual thing; if one of their houses was empty, the other would come over and stay until the family came back._  


_Jaemin took care of Renjun for two weeks; he cooked, cleaned, entertained Renjun, made sure he drank his medicine, helped him bathe, and even updated his parents on Renjun’s condition. Yixing was with them during that time._

_-_

_Before the start of freshman year in high school, Renjun invited Yixing over for a talk. Talks rarely happened. Renjun wasn’t the type to say something serious but Yixing figured it was just the boy getting nervous for his first day in high school._  


_They sat in Renjun’s room, the younger boy looking awfully distraught and nervous. He avoided Yixing’s gaze and played with his own hands. “Yixing-Ge… I wanted to tell you something...” Renjun tried to control his stuttering, “I… I think I like Jaemin.” Renjun expected Yixing to yell at him, but instead, the other figure just stared at him blankly._  


_“I thought you said you wanted to talk to me about something new.”_  


_A bewildered expression colored Renjun’s face. “Huh?”_  


_“Renjun,” Yixing sighed, “I know you’ve liked Jaemin for a while and I don’t care. Like whoever you want, it’s not my life.”_  


_“I’m… still confused on how you know.”_  


_Yixing rolled his eyes. “The looks were obvious enough. Anyone with eyes can see that.”_

_-_

_Freshman year they met fifteen guys that would forever change their lives. Jaemin found an add for dance auditions. Two spots were open and he figured he and Renjun would be able to get those two spots. And they did._  


_They met Taeil, the oldest one, Johnny, one of the taller ones, Taeyong-the leader/mom, Yuta-the Japanese soccer player who danced really well, Kun- the Chinese mom, Doyoung- another mom with a beautiful voice, Ten- Thailand’s dancing machine, Jaehyun- a smiling guy with a sweet voice, Sicheng- The Chinese boy who couldn’t speak Korean well but dances really well (he reminded Jaemin of Renjun at times), Jungwoo- who doesn’t speak very loudly but sings very nicely, Lucas- who speaks in caps lock and four different languages, Mark- a talented Canadian boy, Haechan- who sounds very feminine but can actually kill you with words, Chenle- a young Chinese star Renjun recognized, and Jisung- the youngest who dances just as great as Ten, but at a different style._  


_Jaemin didn’t know how fifteen crackheads were able to come together and find each other. But he was rather glad they did find each other. And together, they created the group called Neo Culture Technology or NCT._  


_Renjun got along especially well with Mark, who was a year older than him and Jaemin. When the two were together, they’d talk nonstop. Sometimes, it made Jaemin jealous, but he was happy Renjun found another friend. Jaemin was no stranger to friends, but Renjun was different. Since other kids often took advantage of Renjun’s wealth, the boy became awfully wary of new people._  


_Donghyuk, or Haechan, was the other member they became close with, the three of them born in the same year. Renjun’s relationship with Donghyuk differed vastly from his relationship with Mark. The two members often teased each other relentlessly to the point Taeyong needed to intervene sometimes. But nonetheless, Renjun loved Donghyuk just as much as he loved Mark.  
_

_-_

_All throughout freshman year, Jaemin was a non stop flirt. He knew what he wanted and who he liked and who he was. Nothing was going to stop him. Renjun figured it was just puberty messing up Jaemin’s brain._  


_When Renjun sat next to Jaemin, the other boy pulled him closer, playing with his hair. The two had been friends for over a decade so simple touching wasn’t new. But the way Jaemin held Renjun wasn’t like all the other times. It was a protective hold, a warm and gentle and little bit sensual. Renjun felt his face heat up. He focused on the way Jaemin’s fingers ran up the back of his neck to his head, playing with the soft strands of hair._  


_“Nana, stop that you’re going to make me fall asleep.”_  


_Jaemin grinned sweetly. “This is how puppies fall asleep, Injun.”_  


_Renjun shot up and hit Jaemin on the arm. “Jerk.” God, he loved the way Jaemin laughed._

_-_

_“A date?” Renjun asked, raising a brow at his best friend._  


_Jaemin scratched the back of his head. “Yeah, a date. You know me and you by ourselves doing… whatever.”_  


_“Whatever?”_  


_Jaemin panicked. “I-I’ll plan something out, don’t worry. I was just wondering if you’d like to go out with me.”_  


_Renjun smiled. “We’ve been friends since we started kindergarten.” Jaemin didn't like where this was going. “I waited a year for you to ask me out. I should’ve done it before we started high school.”_  


_A dumbstruck expression washed over Jaemin’s face. “Huh?”_  


_Renjun stopped and grabbed his friend’s arm. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask me out for a year. I was getting so impatient I was starting to regret not asking you out on a date a long time ago.”_  


_“So… it’s a yes?”_  


_Jaemin’s eyes widened as Renjun lifted his heels off the ground and kissed him on the cheek. “Yes.”_

_-_

_Renjun won’t ever forget the first time he and Jaemin kissed. At that point, they’d been dating for a while. It was Renjun’s sixteenth birthday and the whole group decided to throw a party in one of Chenle’s villas in Korea. Chenle’s family oozed money they could probably buy Seoul. They planned to stay the weekend at the villa, needing much rest and relaxation. The celebration died down around ten at night and everyone was off doing their own thing. The entire night, everyone ate, cheered, danced, and Renjun opened fifteen presents. He counted. Jaemin’s wasn’t included in the pile with the rest._  


_Jaemin grabbed Renjun’s hand before bed time and took the boy out to the private courtyard. Only their bedroom window looked out into that part of the yard._  


_Jaemin held out a box with the sweetest smile. “Happy Birthday, Injun-ang!”_  


_Renjun took the box and opened it. Inside, a rose gold cuff nested inside the velvet fabric. Jaemin held out his right arm; he wore his Pandora leather bracelet and a silver cuff identical to the one in the box._  


_“One for me, one for you.”_  


_Jaemin was rather a romantic guy. Renjun took the cuff out of the box and fixed the jewelry on his arm._  


_“I figured rose gold would go better with your skin tone.” Renjun was so damn happy, he didn’t care if the world ended at that moment._  


_He looked up to meet Jaemin’s sparkling dark eyes. “I love it. Thank you.” He wrapped his arms around Jaemin’s thin but toned body, burying his face in the latter’s chest.  When he pulled back, he felt Jaemin’s delicate hands on his cheeks and saw that flirty smile on the taller boy’s face. “What?”_  


_Jaemin shook his head. “Huang Renjun, you are officially the most beautiful thing I’ve ever met.”_  


_Renjun just scoffed at the cheesy compliment. “Whatever.” But instead of pulling away, Renjun rested his hands on Jaemin’s chest. He stood on his tiptoes with a small grin, face millimeters from Jaemin’s lips. “I love you.”_  


_He kissed Jaemin._  


_Never did he think he’d make the first move to kiss or be the first to say “I love you”, but he did. And he was glad he did. Jaemin moved his hands behind Renjun, holding the smaller boy’s frame closer to him. The was was innocent, soft, and full of love. When they pulled back, Jaemin still held Renjun close, resting their foreheads together._  


_“I love you, too, Injun. Happy Birthday.”_  


_When they returned inside the house, all the members were absent from the living room. Renjun figured they’d turned in early. When he flicked on the lightswitch in the bedroom he shared with Jaemin, Renjun nearly jumped out the window._  


_“Happy Birthday, Renjun!” The missing members filled the room along with balloons and a cake. They cheered for what seemed like forever until they began singing to him._  


_He felt Jaemin’s arms around his body from behind, slightly rocking him side to side while singing “Happy Birthday.”_  


_Sicheng came over and strapped a birthday hat on his head while the other members continued to cheer and sing._  


_Tears brimmed Renjun’s eyes as he let the love and happiness consume him. Glancing up, he saw Jaemin’s bright smile looking down at him with utmost sincerity._  


_He loved him. He really loved him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happened with Jaemin and Renjun? Guess we'll find out soon!
> 
> Also, have y'all listened to the album??? Like what the hell is with the lyrics of Drippin'?! (Songs pretty good though).


	6. Huang Renjun Pt.II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin was his home, his safe base. And if he does decided to study abroad, there’d be no home, no one to comfort him after a rough day, no one to sleep next to, no more hugs and kisses, no Jaemin . And that scared Renjun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're ready for a long chapter...

_ Third year of high school, Renjun thought about where to go for college. He wanted to go a performing arts school like the older members of NCT, he just couldn’t decide where.  _

 

_ He and Jaemin had been dating for two years and counting. The past two years had been simply the best. Jaemin was everything but flawed. He was loyal, extremely affectionate, and didn’t take things personally. But when someone attacked Renjun, the other boy was ready to fight. Majority of the time, Jaemin turned into a cuddly bear, needing constant attention. He was the kind of guy that would fly across the world just to give someone a hug if they felt lonely.  _

 

_ “Mom?”  _

 

_ “Yes, son?”  _

 

_ “How do you feel about me going to school in the United States?” _

 

_ Renjun always talked to his parents when it came to important decisions. He treated his relationship with China line the same way. _

 

_ China line was Renjun’s favorite side group. He could speak Mandarin and Korean freely without needing translation. The five members would often go out to eat at a cafe after school or meet up for dinner once a week. They’d study in the cafe, or more like waste time making fun of eachother and insulting Kun non stop. But they didn’t mind.  _

 

_ “Xuxi-Ge will be graduating soon, and he’ll leave us like how Kun-Ge and Sicheng-Ge left us.”  _

 

_ “Ah, no. We’ll visit you guys, don’t worry! And when you graduate, we’ll be together again!” Xuxi tried to comfort them. He was only a year older than Renjun and wondered if Xuxi really was older sometimes.  _

 

_ “Xuxi-Ge is going to be old as Kun-Ge. He can’t be with the maknaes anymore. It’s not like he already was a part of us.” Renjun said nonchalantly.  _

 

_ Xuxi blankly stared at Renjun. The others snickered at his comment. Many times in their team, the youngest members plus Mark would have their own choreographies. Xuxi wanted to join as well, but the others agreed he didn’t fit in with the group aesthetic.  _

 

_ “So, Renjun wanting all of us here immediately means the boy’s got something he wants to talk about.” Kun announced, drinking tea from the cup. _

 

_ Renjun blushed. “Look, it’s nothing bad; I trust you guys a little more than the others.”  _

 

_ Kun raised an eyebrow. “I’m right?”  _

 

_ No one spoke for a while, four pairs of dark brown eyes stared at Renjun for what seemed like an eternity until the boy let out an exasperated sigh. “I got an offer from a university.”  _

 

_ Sicheng and Chenle’s eyes widened. “Already? You’re not even a senior yet! Who recruited you?”  _

 

_ “A school in America. Apparently, I have enough classes to graduate early. They saw some of my artwork when one of their representatives was here in Korea. They got a hold of me and offered me a full scholarship.”  _

 

_ “Renjun, that’s amazing! You get to study in the United States!” Xuxi exclaimed. “You’ll have lots of fun!”  _

 

_ But Kun knew Renjun in a deeper level. “You don’t seem very enthused.”  _

 

_ Renjun’s face never changed expressions. “It means I have to leave Jaemin behind.”  _

 

_ “Have you told Jaemin about it?” Renjun shook his head. “Why not?”  _

 

_ “I’m scared of what he’ll think. What if he lets me go?”  _

 

_ “Isn’t that what you want though?”  _

 

_ Renjun groaned at Kun’s words. “I don’t know Kun-ge. I mean, yes I want to go. I’m not stupid enough to turn down free education! But I don’t want to leave Jaemin behind. We’ve been together for nearly all our lives I don’t know-” _

 

_ “Renjun, you’re making this too difficult. You already have your answer, you’re studying abroad. What more do we need to discuss?”   _

 

_ Sometimes, Xuxi’s insensitiveness hurt.  _

 

_ “How about this,” Kun proposed, “you tell Jaemin about your offer figure out what you want to do with your relationship, and keep us posted on how it goes?”   
_

_ - _

_ “Renjun! Come on, we’re going to be late! Mark-hyung’s waiting for us!”  _

 

_ Jaemin checked his watch for the tenth time. Mark planned a retreat for the younger members before second semester started again. Renjun’s family still hadn’t come back from China, leaving Jaemin and Renjun alone in the Huang household.  _

 

_ Renjun skipped down the stairs, styling his hair with a comb. “What took you so long? It’s a retreat, not a photoshoot.” Jaemin held out Renjun’s coat, zipping up his boyfriend and fixing a hat on his newly styled hair.  _

 

_ “I couldn’t get my hair to stay down.”  _

 

_ “It’s probably because you fell asleep with it still wet last night.”  _

 

_ Outside, Mark, Haechan, Chenle, and Jisung waited by a van, bundled up with backpacks strapped on.  _

 

_ “God what took you guys so long?” Haechan commented, obviously been waiting for a while with the amount of snow on their clothes. Jaemin saw Mark flash a smirk and then bite his lips.  _

 

_ “Renjun couldn’t get his hair to stay down. Mark-hyung you’re so dirty. So, where are we going?”  _

 

_ “We’re going camping.” Chenle answered.  _

 

_ Renjun frowned. “It’s the middle of winter! It’s snowing and it’s cold! How the hell are we supposed to stay outside and not freeze to death?”  _

 

_ “Obviously you haven’t seen Chenle’s family cabin.”  _

 

_ Mark was right, Jaemin had never been to Chenle’s family cabin. He was expecting it to be a small house, but he should’ve known better. Nestled inside a private a park was a private lake with a mansion right in the middle. Jaemin’s mouth dropped when they arrived at the bridge connecting the house to the edge of the lake.  _

 

_ “This isn’t a cabin! This is-” _

 

_ “My family like to live comfortably.” Chenle explained casually as the group began to move forward.  _

 

_ Honestly, Jaemin thought Chenle’s family had so much money they just didn’t know what to spend it on.  _

 

_ There were four rooms in the house and six members. Jaemin and Renjun volunteered to share a room, leaving the others to pick a bedroom of their own.  _

 

_ The room was rather large and upscale, more than Jaemin thought. There was a king bed with a glass sliding door opposite to the bedroom door that led out to the balcony overlooking the lake. He started unpacking his and Renjun’s bags, knowing they’ll be there longer than just a day. He noticed a small stuffed Ryan in Renjun’s bag.  _

 

_ “Hey, what’s this?”  _

 

_ Renjun walked over and wrapped his arms around Jaemin, the stuffed toy between them. “I know how much you like cuddling at night.”  _

 

_ Jaemin rolled his eyes. “I don’t need stuffed animals when I have you. But thanks for the thought.” He leaned down and softly kissed Renjun.  _

 

_ He pulled the smaller boy closer to him, running his hands up and down Renjun’s back.  _

 

_ “Jaemin…”  _

 

_ “Mm…”  _

 

_ “They’re- they’re going to be wondering… where…” Renjun didn’t even bother to complete the sentence. At least not when he was enjoying Jaemin kissing him so tenderly.  _

 

_ His heart beat so fast as they continued to kiss in the middle of the bedroom. He suddenly remembered his current dilemma of telling Jaemin. He’d mention the offer he got from UCLA to China line and some of the other hyungs. They all told him the same thing: go. But at that moment, Renjun didn’t want to go. Jaemin was his home, his safe base. And if he does decided to study abroad, there’d be no home, no one to comfort him after a rough day, no one to sleep next to, no more hugs and kisses, no Jaemin . And that scared Renjun.  _

 

_ “Hey, hyung- Whoa, sorry!”  _

 

_ Renjun pulled back, glaring at Jisung over his shoulder. He detached himself from Jaemin’s hold and ran after the youngest member.  _

 

_ “Jisung Park, get back here! I’m going to beat your ass senseless!”  _

 

_ Jaemin smiled to himself as he finished unpacking their clothing, hearing the quarrel from the living room. He heard Mark trying to pry off Renjun from Jisung and Chenle’s dolphin laugh. It was going to be a long weekend.  _

 

_ Renjun refused to show affection in public. Jaemin didn’t mind; he’d still a kiss here and there which usually earns him an elbow to the ribs or a slap on the arm. But it was well worth it. So, the members rarely see Renjun and Jaemin affectionate, much less kiss in public. Jisung wasn’t prepared to see his hyungs kissing in the middle of the room.  _

 

_ The same night, Chenle started fire in the fireplace. Jaemin made tteokbokki and spicy ramen for dinner after Chenle begged and begged for ramen. Jaemin couldn’t say no. Mark also made hot chocolate with mini marshmallows for the group, gathering near the fireplace for warmth. They listened to holiday music, other artists, as well as Yixing’s new album.  _

 

_ Haechan and Renjun and Chenle danced to the songs they knew, losing to Haechan most of the time since the tan boy knew all of the dances.  _

 

_ “Loser has to make breakfast tomorrow!” Haechan betted, knowing well enough he’d win. _

 

_ Mark and Jaemin played a variety of songs from boy groups to girl groups. Haechan danced to every single song while Chenle knew most of it and Renjun only danced to a couple.  _

 

_ “Well, looks like Renjun’s making us breakfast!” Haechan exclaimed.  _

 

_ Chenle lowered his head. “It means we’re starving tomorrow morning.”  _

 

_ Renjun immediately wrapped his arms around Chenle’s neck, the younger Chinese boy letting out a high pitched sound.  _

 

_ Renjun snuggled closer to Jaemin’s warm body. The night dragged on for what seemed like forever. Nothing put Renjun to sleep. He quietly slipped out of the bed and the room, tiptoeing to the living room. He threw on his heavy coat and boots before going outside to the cold winter air.  _

 

_ The stars shone so brightly in the middle of the lake.  If it was night in Korea, that’d mean daytime in the States. Renjun didn’t know why his thoughts always slipped back to his decision. He wanted to forget everything while they were on this retreat, but his mind refused.  _

 

_ “What are you doing out her? It’s cold.”  _

 

_ Renjun turned around to see Mark in his winter coat and boots.  _

 

_ “I couldn’t sleep.”  _

 

_ “And you thought freezing to death would help you?” Mark walked out into the snow, standing beside his friend.  _

 

_ A loud, heavy sigh left Renjun’s lips. “I’ve just been thinking a lot lately.”  _

 

_ “About your offer?” Mark continued after earning a surprised gaze from the younger boy. “Xuxi told me. He said something about you getting a full scholarship for a school in the United States.”  _

 

_ “I did.”  _

 

_ “And…?”  _

 

_ For a while, no one spoke a word; Mark’s open ended question left hanging in the cold air.  _

 

_ “Hyung, if you’d been friends with someone for nearly your whole life and all of a sudden, you’re going to a foreign country to study, what would you do?”  _

 

_ Mark figured Jaemin was the bump in the road. Even if Renjun wasn’t the most affectionate publicly, everyone knew he loved Jaemin just as much as Jaemin loved him. Maybe even more.  _

 

_ “Look, Renjun, if you want my honest opinion, I’d go. But I’d still keep my relationship. Even though long distance is hard and lonesome, if you really truly love them, it’s worth it. And Jaemin would throw a fit if he found out you turned down a scholarship just to be with him. You two have a strong bond. Distance can’t break it. You and Jaemin will figure out how to make it work and since you two love each other to death, long distance won’t be too much of a problem.” Mark smiled encouragingly. “I believe in the two of you.”  _

 

_ A small grin decorated Renjun’s face. “Thank you, hyung.” _

 

_ The next morning, Renjun woke up without his personal heater. He frowned at the smell of eggs and found Jaemin in the kitchen already making breakfast.  _

 

_ “You’re up early.”  _

 

_ Jaemin turned around and kissed Renjun good morning. “I figured if you made food, Jisung and Chenle might be poisoned.”  _

 

_ Renjun scoffed and punched Jaemin in the ribs lightly. “You’re not wrong.” He tiptoed a bit and kissed the taller boy.  _

 

_ “I smell food- Oh my god will you guys put a do not disturb sign up or something!” Jisung walked in the kitchen, a hand covering his eyes. “Are you done with PDA?”  _

 

_ Mark, Haechan and Chenle followed soon after him. “Guys, not in my family’s kitchen, please.” Chenle yawned.  _

 

_ Jaemin hugged Renjun tightly to keep his boyfriend from killing the youngest members. “Good morning guys! Have a seat, I made breakfast!”  _

-

Jaehyun carefully lifted Jaemin’s sleeping body off the chair and set him down gently on the bed, covering the body with a thin blanket. The entire group decided to visit him after their practice and Jaemin texted Jisung that he wouldn’t be there because of a schedule conflict.

 

Jaehyun and Taeyong lived through too many attempts to trust Jaemin’s words. But to their surprise, they found Jaemin sleeping, head on desk, underneath him were countless of polaroids, and a blue sweatshirt that was all too familiar to the group. 

 

Taeyong picked up a polaroid and nearly burst out laughing. “This was so long ago.” The pictured captured Jungwoo mid slip and Lucas trying to catch him. It was in Ukraine.

He came across a group photo on Christmas, Taeil’s birthday, Ten and Taeyong posing for the camera, Yuta, Taeil, and Winwin being cute, Chenle with Jisung, Kun with Doyoung, Taeyong and Johnny, and plenty more stolen shots of the group. 

 

Then, Taeyong’s heart broke at the next one he saw. It was of Jaemin wearing a blue striped turtleneck underneath a black long sleeve looking down at a face he hadn’t seen in years. Jaemin was looking down at Renjun with the most loving gaze. Johnny caught that picture and he remembered how Jaemin absolutely fell in love with the polaroid the second Johnny showed him.

 

“Taeyong-hyung?” 

 

Taeyong glanced up to meet Jisung’s concerned eyes with his teary ones. “Ah, it’s nothing.” He wiped off his tears with his sleeve. “I’m okay.” 

 

Yuta joined him, looking through all the pictures Jaemin collected. “I can’t believe he kept some of these. That boy really loves memories, doesn’t he? Oi, Winwin! Look here! This was from when we went to Osaka!” 

 

“Sh! Yuta, Jaemin’s sleeping.” Taeyong glanced over to where the younger boy slept, clutching on tightly to the blue sweatshirt. 

 

Yuta and the others laughed about the old times while looking through the pictures. Taeyong hated to admit he loved hearing their enthusiastic voices while sharing memories. If pictures were out, it meant Jaemin wanted some relief from the pain. 

 

“He looks like he’s been crying.” Jaehyun commented, brushing back Jaemin’s dark brown hair. 

 

Taeyong glanced down at the polaroid he’d been holding. It was the only one with Renjun in it. He turned it over and found a message written for Jaemin: 

 

_ To Naui Na Jaemin,  _

_ I hope you never stop smiling _

_ I hope you never stop loving me _

 

_ -Renjun _

 

Taeyong wanted to tell him Jaemin never stopped loving him, Jaemin loved him until the end. He joined Jaehyun and sat by the edge of the bed. 

 

“How long do you think he’d been looking through those pictures?” 

 

Jaehyun shrugged. “Far too long.” 

 

“Wow, you guys have done so much together, haven’t you?” Jeno commented as he glanced through the pictures with the members. 

 

Chenle nodded. “We’ve been together for years! Everytime we get together, Jaemin-hyung likes to bring a polaroid and capture all sorts of pictures! Didn’t you see all the pictures in our practice room? Jaemin-hyung took most of them!” 

 

As Mark scanned the pictures, is expression slowly turned mellow. He missed the times they’d go on trip because of their success. He missed Jaemin behind the camera taking pictures of everyone. He missed the smile Jaemin flashed when he was genuinely happy. Mark didn’t fail to notice Renjun’s absence in the pile of polaroids. 

 

Mark picked up a picture of him and Jaemin by the lake, Jaemin smiling brightly at him while Mark’s eyes fixed on the camera. Ten took that picture. 

 

He missed the old Jaemin that would smile at anything and everything, the old Jaemin who flirted with nearly every living thing he saw, the old Jaemin who loved Renjun to the moon and back. But that old Jaemin died. 

 

And they were left with someone who was more broken than glass shattered on the floor.  

 

“I miss Renjun-hyung.” Jisung’s words sliced through the silent air. “I miss the way he would put me in a chokehold or try to suffocate me whenever I pranked him.” A small smirk decorated his face. “I miss the way he’d look up at me when he tried to scold me.” 

 

A few of the members chuckled. Renjun was small in height and weight compared to Jisung. 

 

“I miss the way he teased me and hugged me right after an insult.” Sicheng added. 

 

“I miss his voice.” Donghyuk piped up. “He had a really good singing voice.” 

 

“I miss the way he made me look buffer by standing next to me.” Yuta chuckled, remembering a picture of Renjun sitting next to him looking like a kindergartener beside Yuta. 

 

“I miss our long late night conversations.” Mark. 

 

“I miss how he’d sometimes lift me up as if I weighed nothing.” Ten. 

 

“I miss the way he tried to discipline me and Jisung whenever we misbehaved in front of people.” Chenle. 

 

“I miss his confidence boosting words.” Xuxi.

 

“I miss how his small fairy like self would run around the studio.” Johnny.

 

“I miss the way he dances.” Taeil.

 

“I miss my little brother.” Kun. 

 

“I miss the way he shows love by insulting us.” Doyoung. 

 

“I miss the way he thinks he’s so tough when he’s a head shorter than most of us.” Jaehyun. 

 

“I miss the way he pays attention to little details when he talks to us.” Jungwoo.

 

“I miss the way he looks at Jaemin.” Taeyong. 

 

That hurt the most. Jaehyun felt the blankets beneath him shift. He looked down to see Jaemin hugging the sweatshirt tighter, tears staining his cheeks. 

 

Jeno noticed the slight movement where Jaemin lay, realizing the boy listened to every single member’s words. He walked over to the bed and kneeled on the floor, low enough to look Jaemin in the eye. He watched as the younger boy’s eyes slowly opened as a response to Jeno touching the dark brown hair softly. Jaemin looked like a puppy. 

 

When he glanced up, he saw Jeno smiling at him, eyes turned to crescents the way Jaemin loved them. 

 

For the first time in a long time, he started feeling a sense of relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now that we've established what kind of relationship Renjun and Jaemin had... We'll continue on with the rest of the story :) 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	7. The Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is you, Jaemin. Love is you always being with me and showing me I’m your forever. My first and my last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! So this chapter took me forever to complete because there's just so much going on! This shows what happened to Renjun and all that so enjoy! 
> 
> ALSO this is a rather lengthy chapter... Read whatever you'd like

Out of curiosity, Jeno looked through the pictures hanging around the practice room before rehearsal began. He noticed most of them were taken a couple years before, Chenle and Jisung having grown a few centimeters. He also noticed how every member was in at least two or three pictures. Chenle was in most of them while Ten, Johnny, and Jaemin were missing often. Jeno figured they became the photographer most of the time.

 

He came across a group photo in front of a mansion on a lake.

 

“Hey, when was this taken?”

 

Mark stood up and glanced at the picture, a small grin on his face. “That was taken about four years ago? The group took a tip to Chenle’s family cabin for a weekend.”

 

Jeno’s eyes widened. “Cabin?”

 

Mark simply nodded. “Cabin.”

 

He counted the heads in the pictures. Seventeen. He recognized nearly everyone. Everyone except for one. He pointed to the figure wrapped around Jaemin’s arms. “Who’s he?”

 

Mark’s expression softened and saddened. “Oh, him. He’s Renjun.”

 

So that was what he looked like. Since the group visited Jaemin that one day, Jeno couldn’t help but wonder what this Renjun looked like. He wasn’t in any of the polaroids on the table and no one showed him a picture of the mysterious boy.

 

Renjun was rather small compared to Jaemin and the other guys; he was even smaller than Ten! The boy had a beautiful smile, sharp nose, a baby like face, and a cute little snaggletooth. Jeno found Renjun handsome.

 

“What happened to him? Kun-hyung mentioned his name before and Jaehyun-hyung said he was a friend. I’m guessing something went wrong in the past?”

 

Mark’s expression never changed. “Something like that.”

 

Jeno figured, like the others, Mark didn’t want to talk about Renjun. But the curiosity nagged him like a bad itch. He really wanted to know.

 

“Mark-hyung-”

 

“I know we’ve been keeping Renjun’s identity a secret. But it’s for a good reason. It’s not my place to tell you what happened. Sorry. It’s Jaemin you want to talk to. But good luck making him tell you anything.”

 

Jaemin was the last one to come to practice. He wore a black shirt and sweatpants with his usual bright smile. He approached Jeno and hugged the taller boy.

 

“Hey, are you free tomorrow night?”

 

Jeno raised an eyebrow. “Yes, why?”

 

“Good! I’m taking you out tomorrow night!”

 

“You’re asking me on a date?”

 

Jaemin shrugged, his smile still plastered on his beautiful face. “What else could I mean?”

 

“Kidnapping.” Haechan commented.

 

Jeno shot Haechan a look. He then turned to Jaemin. “I’m free after five?”

 

He didn’t think the smile could get brighter. “It’s a date!”

-  


This time around, Jaemin treated him to a cafe meal and talked the entire time. They sat on stools, Jaemin swinging his feet back and forth.

 

“You know, at first I wasn’t so sure about you joining. But when I saw you dance for the first time, I understood why Taeyong-hyung let you in. You’re amazing! You, Taeyong-hyung, Ten-hyung, Sicheng-hyung, Yuta-hyung, and Jisung are all talented!”

 

Jeno grinned. “I think you’re a talented dancer as well.”

 

Jaemin’s face brightened. “Really? I don’t think I dance as well as you guys, but thank you!”

 

It was all right. Jaemin realized happiness occured around Jeno, too, not just with the other members. He smiled more genuinely, he laughed more freely, he breathed easily. Nothing forced happened. Jaemin hadn’t felt relief in such a long time. But around Jeno, it’s as if nothing ever mattered.

 

Jeno still didn’t know what happened in the past. But the present Jaemin had an energy to him that Jeno found so damn attractive. Jaemin himself was handsome, but something else about the boy drew Jeno so close. Jaemin was perfect. He loved others and wasn’t afraid to show it, he cared for the younger members and didn’t hide it. He wasn’t afraid to love someone and love them completely.

 

Johnny, Ten, Taeyong, and Jaehyun walked downtown after school, spotting Jaemin and Jeno in the cafe.

 

“Guys, Nomin’s on a date!” Ten exclaimed excitedly, hitting Johnny softly with his fists.

 

Johnny grabbed Ten’s hands, his attention on the two boys sitting in the cafe. “Nomin?”

 

“Jeno and Jaemin! It’s their ship name, Youngho.” Ten wrapped his arms around Johnny’s waist. “Aren’t they cute? Jaemin sure is smiling more often around Jeno.”

 

Taeyong and Jaehyun watched with a small grin on their faces. Ten was right; Jaemin smiled more often when Jeno was around. The old Jaemin they knew started coming out whenever Jeno was near him. Jeno didn’t fix Jaemin; the understanding did. Jaemin was starting to be okay again without Jeno, but the new member just enhanced Jaemin’s recovery. And honestly, Taeyong and Jaehyun couldn’t be happier.

 

“Come on, let’s leave the kids alone.” Johnny started dragging Ten away from the cafe, Ten grabbed Taeyong’s wrist who, in turn, grabbed Jaehyun.

  
-  


“So, where else did you want to go?”

 

Jaemin sipped his milk tea and shrugged. “I’ll take you wherever you want to go.”

 

Jeno frowned. “I thought you wanted to go out?”

 

“We did go out. I just wanted to treat you some place. Now, I’m fine with whatever you want to do.”

 

Jeno thought about it for a moment before coming to a decision. “Can we watch a movie? Your dorm has a DVD player in one of the multipurpose rooms, right?”

 

“It does! What movie do you want to watch?”

 

“Whatever movie they have.” _As long as I’m with you._

  
-  


To be perfectly clear, Jeno didn’t want to watch a movie. But he thought it’d be a perfect excuse to have Jaemin close to him and have Jaemin distracted enough to ask questions. He put on a random thriller movie, making himself comfortable besides Jaemin in a beanbag chair.

 

Jaemin brought down some chips and drinks from his dorm room while Jeno set up the projector.

 

He didn’t know how it happened, but thirty minutes into the movie, he and Jaemin shared one bean bag chair. Jeno didn’t mind; Jaemin was smaller than him. What he did mind was the fact that Jaemin rested his head on Jeno’s chest and Jaemin’s around draped around Jeno’s waist. Jeno was glad the other boy couldn’t see how red his face became. They sat like that for another twenty minutes before everything came crashing down.

 

The movie displayed a car driving down an icy road. Jeno felt Jaemin tense up when headlights appeared. Then, the car skidded, smashing into another vehicle before turning over.

 

Jeno felt no movement from Jaemin for a minute before he heard a small whisper. “What was that?”

 

“I’m sorry…” He barely heard Jaemin’s words. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault… It’s…”

 

Jaemin began curling into a ball, his words increasing in volume. Jeno heard the small cries in between the sentences. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to… I swear! I’m sorry!”

 

Jeno shot up and paused the movie, moving Jaemin so the two faced each other. Tears stained Jaemin’s eyes as the boy continued to cry out apologies.

 

“Jaemin? What’s wrong? Hey!” Jeno slightly shook the other boy. Nothing.

 

It was like before in the practice room. Only this time, none of the other members were around to comfort him. Jeno grit his teeth as he pulled Jaemin in tightly.

 

“It’s okay, Jaemin. Don’t worry, you did nothing wrong. I’m right here.”

 

He stroked the soft brown hair, continuing to whisper comforting words.

 

“I’m not leaving you.”

-

_A month after graduation, Renjun mustered up enough strength to tell Jaemin. He accepted the offer from the University of California. No one knew besides his parents. Not even the members. Jaemin came over for dinner, his parents always happy to see the boy. Though, unlike the members, they only saw Jaemin as Renjun’s longtime best friend. His parents still hadn’t figured it out after nearly two years of dating._

 

_After dinner, Renjun led Jaemin to his room, closing the door softly._

 

_Jaemin laid on Renjun’s bed, cuddling the closest stuffed animal. “You wanted to talk?”_

 

_Renjun sat on his rolling chair, looking anywhere but Jaemin’s eyes. “Yeah, I did.” He leaned back, not knowing how to break the news to his boyfriend. “So, you know that art show I participated in last semester?”_

 

_“Of course, I was there with you.”_

 

_“Right. Well, you see, a school saw my work and offered me a spot in their art program.”_

 

_Jaemin’s eyes lit up. “Renjun! That’s great! What school? Is it around here or in China? Or-”_

 

_“America.”_

 

_Jaemin calmed down. “What?”_

 

_“The school is in America.”_

 

_“As in the United States of…?”_

 

_Renjun nodded. “University of California Los Angeles. They offered me a full scholarship.”_

 

_“Did you accept it?” Jaemin’s voice dropped to a whisper._

 

_“I did. I accepted their offer a week ago. Only my parents knew about it.”_

 

_“Injun, that’s great! You’re going to school in America! Why aren’t you happy about it?”_

 

_Tears brimmed in Renjun’s eyes. Why couldn’t Jaemin see Renjun’s dilemma? Only Mark was able to understand._

 

_“Of course I’m happy! But that would also mean leaving you!”_

 

_Jaemin’s eyes slightly widened. He sighed, spreading his arms out in front of him. Renjun wasted no time to run into Jaemin’s open arms, sobbing quietly._

 

_“Jaemin-ah…”_

 

_“Shh. Don’t talk. Just listen, okay? I’m happy you got in and that you accepted their offer. I know it’s not the most ideal for a relationship, but long distance is nothing. We’re both going to be miserable for a while and that’s just something we have to sacrifice. But just because you’re going to school abroad doesn’t mean it’s the end of our relationship. Injun, we’ve gone through so much you think the Pacific Ocean’s going to stop us? I’ll videochat you every chance I get and I’ll keep you updated on life so when you come back for break, you’ll be caught up on everything.” Jaemin pulled back, wiping away the tears on Renjun’s cheeks. “I love you. Nothing’s going to stop me from loving you even more.”_

 

_Renjun watched as Jaemin broke out into his usual loving smile. God, he didn’t deserve Jaemin. Not one bit._

 

_Jaemin gently traced his hand up Renjun’s back up to his neck. Then, he pulled the smaller boy down towards him, closing the distance between their lips. Renjun would never admit it, but he enjoyed the time they spent kissing ever so innocently. He loved the way Jaemin held him like a delicate doll, the way Jaemin’s hands played with his hair, or how Jaemin’s lips touched his skin, or how with every kiss, he felt all of Jaemin’s love. But he wanted more._

 

_Out of desperation, Renjun pushed Jaemin’s larger body down on the bed, fiddling with the younger boy’s belt. Jaemin quickly pulled back._

 

_“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, what are you doing?”_

 

_What was he doing? Renjun didn’t understand the sudden need to feel his boyfriend even more. But he wanted to. He desperately wanted to touch Jaemin even deeper._

 

_“Do you not want to do it with me?”_

 

_Jaemin sighed, brushing back Renjun’s dark hair. “Of course I do. But for crying out loud, Injun you just recently turned nineteen and I haven’t gotten a chance to! We’re still young; there’s a whole future to do those kinds of things.”_

 

_Renjun sat back, shoulders dropping as Jaemin spoke. “So, you don’t love me?”_

 

_Honestly, Jaemin nearly punched his boyfriend. “You really think having sex validates my love for you? We’ve been friends for fourteen years and have been dating for two of those years. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t have stayed by your side for so long.” He wrapped his arms around Renjun’s small frame. “Love isn’t all about sex. Love is you staying by my side when I’m sick. Love is making you breakfast even if we fought the night before. Love is supporting me and cheering me on.” He turned Renjun’s face to meet his eyes. “Love is trying our best to make our relationship work when you go to America.”_

 

_A small smile broke out on Renjun’s face. “I love you, Jaemin.”_

 

_“I love you, too.”_

 

_And with that, Renjun leaned forward to kiss him._

 

 _Love is you, Jaemin. Love is you always being with me and showing me I’m your forever. You are my first and my last._  
  
-

_“Yixing-ge!”_

 

_“What?”_

 

_“I have a problem!” Renjun rarely called Yixing to talk about his problems; he preferred his older brother figure to be there in person. This was different._

 

_“What’s wrong now?”_

 

_“Your fans bought all the tickets for EXO’rDIUM! How am I going to take Jaemin to the concert for his birthday?”_

 

_He heard Yixing sigh on the other line. “I had a feeling this was going to happen. I have two tickets on hand if you want them. I’ll tell the guards to let you guys backstage after the concert. I’ll email you the tickets tonight. Print them out the day of the concert so you don’t lose them.”_

 

_Renjun jumped up in excitement. “Really? Thank you so much gege! I’ll pay you back after the concert!”_

 

_“Don’t bother. Call it a birthday gift for Jaemin.”_

 

_“We owe you one Yixing-ge!”_

-

_The night before Renjun was scheduled to take Jaemin to EXO’s concert, his parents called him down to his father’s study._

 

_“You wanted to see me?”_

 

_Renjun’s father rarely held family gatherings; he could only imagine what the important meeting entailed._

 

_His father tapped his fingers on the glossy wooden desk. “How long have you and Jaemin been dating?”_

 

_Renjun’s eyes widened, his heart thumping loudly against his chest. “What?”_

 

_“I said, how long have you been dating Na Jaemin, Renjun?”_

 

_He swallowed hard. His mouth refused to move without force. “Tw- two years.”_

 

_“Years?” Renjun flinched at the volume. “Two years? Are you kidding me? You know, it makes sense why we never suspected anything. It’s because you and Jaemin are close to begin with. Him coming over on a daily isn’t anything new or suspicious. And you took advantage of that.”_

 

_“Father, I-”_

 

_“You’re not allowed to have a homosexual relationship! It’s a disgrace to our family! You can have any girl out there but I refuse to accept your relationship with Jaemin.”_

 

_“Why is it so hard for you to accept that I love him and only him?”_

 

_He should’ve bit his tongue when he had the chance. “You want to be that way? Fine. We’re flying to California August fourteenth instead of the twenty-ninth. And you’re forbidden to see Jaemin from now on. We’ll call his family tomorrow morning and inform them that the two of you will no longer be seeing each other. Do you understand?”_

 

_Renjun grit his teeth, knowing well enough he couldn’t win. “Yes, sir.”_

 

_“Good. Now, give me your phone. You will have no contact with him starting tonight.”_

 

_Renjun reached behind his pocket, stopping short. “Can I call Yixing-ge first?” He watched his father’s eyes narrow. “Jaemin and I were supposed to watch EXO perform later tonight and Yixing-ge was expecting us. I just want to make sure he knows we won’t be going.”_

 

_Renjun wasn’t stupid. He knew sooner or later his parents would find out. So, for backup, he bought himself another phone for emergency purposes. He texted Jaemin he’d be at the other boy’s home in a half-hour. His parents turned in early, making sure Renjun was asleep before sleeping themselves. Honestly, his parents trusted him too much. Renjun slipped on a white sweatshirt and jean with his Vans. He grabbed a small leather backpack and packed an extra set of clothes and jacket as well as his EXO lightstick. Opening his window, he broke the screen and carefully climbed down the side of the house, thankful for the many window panes outside._

 

_It took him ten minutes to explain to Jaemin what happened. And ten seconds for Jaemin to agree on sneaking out to watch EXO live. To him, it was the last time in a long time he was spending a night with the Chinese boy._

-

_The concert blew up like no other. The stadium filled with fans and the light sticks lighting up the darkness, creating an ocean of silver. In the midst of the bass vibrating in the air and EXO’s vocal line serenading the empty air, Renjun completely forgot everything that wasn’t in the moment._

 

_When “Artificial Love” starting playing, Renjun felt a pressure on his hip. It happened everytime EXO grinded on those stupid canes. He wondered if any of the fans fainted after the song. Also, what the actual fuck was the choreographer on when they made the choreography? It was way too suggestive._

 

_It lasted for three hours. Renjun and Jaemin waited until the majority of the fans left the stadium to talk to the guards. They brought the two boys backstage to where EXO celebrated the first day of the concert._

 

_“Yixing-ge!” Yixing turned around to meet Renjun and Jaemin._

 

_“Oh, hey!” The older brought the two boys forward, nudging them towards the rest of the group. “Guys, you remember Renjun? And this is his boyfriend Jaemin. I used to watch them when they were younger and a lot less ruthless.”_

 

_Junmyeon stepped forward, observing Jaemin’s face. “So this is the boyfriend? He’s rather pretty, Yixing. You never said Renjun was dating a pretty boy.”_

 

_“He kind of reminds me of Baekhyun.” Chanyeol commented, eyeing Jaemin’s face._

 

_Renjun grabbed Jaemin’s arm possessively, making the other members laugh._

 

_Yixing listened as Renjun explained what happened with his parents finding out and how he had to leave for America in two days._

 

_“I’ll talk to them. They won’t dare say no to me. Don’t worry, I’m on your side.”_

 

_Along with Jaemin, Renjun didn’t deserve Yixing._

-

Jeno woke up to someone shaking him awake.

 

“Doyoung-hyung?” He groaned, rubbing his eyes. “What are you doing here?”

 

After coming to his senses, he realized he still sat on the bean bag chair with Jaemin sleeping as well, wrapped around his arms.

 

“What-”

 

“We’d been trying to get a hold of you and Jaemin for over an hour now.” Doyoung explained.

 

“We?” Jeno squinted and made out Jaehyun and Taeyong’s figures. “Hyung! What are you guys doing here? What’d you need?”

 

Jaehyun stepped forward. “We were just doing our routine checkup on Jaemin. When he didn’t answer his phone, Taeyong panicked. We called your phone and you didn’t answer and so we went on a hunting spree for the two of you. But I see now why you guys weren’t answering.” A playful smirk emerged on Jaehyun’s face.

 

Jeno turned bright red. “Ah! No hyung, it’s not like that! Jaemin and I were just watching a movie and… he kind of freaked out during the car crash scene. I was just comforting him, that’s all!”

 

Taeyong turned his head and saw a paused movie on the screen. It paused on a car turned over. “I see. Looks like he cried himself to sleep. Again. Jeno, if you don’t mind, can you please take him up to his room.” Taeyong held out his spare key to Jaemin’s dorm room.

 

Jeno slipped an arm under Jaemin’s knees, the other around the sleeping boy’s shoulders. “Sure thing.”

 

“We’ll clean up here. Just put our Jaemin-ah to bed. Thanks.”

 

Jeno took the elevator up to Jaemin’s room, trying his best not to wake the other boy. Once he entered the dorm room, Jeno saw a navy blue sweatshirt folded neatly on the table with a polaroid on top. On Jaemin’s bed, the stuffed hamster Jeno bought him lay on top on the pillows. He pulled back the covers and gently laid Jaemin’s sleeping form down, covering the boy with the blanket. He sat at the edge of the bed, playing with the loose strands of Jaemin’s brown hair.

 

Na Jaemin was undeniably handsome. Jeno didn’t understand how the boy was still single. He got looks, charisma, and an unwavering amount of love. But Jeno knew something held Jaemin back. Something all the members never spoke about.

 

Sooner or later, the hyungs met Jeno in Jaemin’s dorm room, returning any unopened food back into the mini fridge. Jaehyun noticed the sweatshirt and picture immediately. He studied the picture, a sad grin on his face.

 

“Jae?”

 

Jaehyun turned the photograph towards Taeyong. “He’s been thinking about him lately. I think since Yixing-sunbaenim came to visit, Jaemin’s been out of it.”

 

He still didn’t know. Jeno knew nothing of Jaemin’s past. Everytime he brought it up, the younger boy avoided the questions and just continued to talk about Jeno. To be honest, Jeno grew sick of being kept in the dark. Sure, he was new, didn’t know the members quite as well as Jaemin, but he still grew fond of them and cared for them in a short amount of time.

 

“Can one of you explain Jaemin’s situation since he won’t?”

 

The three other figures turned to face Jeno, the younger’s face stern and serious.

 

“Jeno-”

 

“I mean it. I don’t know what happened and with him acting up recently, it’s like dancing in the dark. Mark-hyung said I should let Jaemin tell me everything he wants me to know. But Jaemin’s told me absolutely nothing these past few weeks. Nothing! I don’t know what happened between him and Renjun and Renjun’s importance to him. All you told me was that he was a good friend. I think he was more than just a “good friend” to Jaemin.”

 

Jeno watched as his hyungs became uncomfortable at the sound of Renjun’s name being brought up. He knew that the mysterious member meant more to the team than they were letting on.

 

Jaehyun walked up to the bed, sitting beside Jeno. “Jaemin? Do you feel alright to tell him?”

 

Jeno stood up, realizing Jaemin had been crying all this time without him knowing.

 

Jaemin nodded, his face hidden behind his arms. He slowly sat up, head bowed down. He rubbed his eyes once, twice, before opening them. They glistened so beautifully with tears reflecting the light.

 

“I’m sorry we haven’t been fair to you, Jeno. To be honest, the members want to tell you. They just hold everything back for my sake. They want you to know because you like me and I like you, too. But there’s a reason why I didn’t tell you right away. It’s the same reason why Mark-hyung was weary of us going out on a date in the first place. But for now, I think you need to understand where _I’m_ coming from.”

 

Taeyong and Doyoung both sat down on a chair in the room, knowing too well the story’s length and why it was rather lengthy.

 

Jaemin inhaled and exhaled deeply, his breath shaking. “His full name was Huang Renjun. He was from China but spoke Korean fluently. I met him when I was five years-old.  He loved drawing and painting and Moomin and singing and dancing. He loved putting Chenle and Jisung in chokeholds. He was full of sarcasm and sharp-tongued almost like Donghyuck and Ten-hyung.” The side of Jaemin’s lips curled up. “He was a boy with an innocent image, shoulders as broad as the sea-" Taeyong and Doyoung chuckled. "And my absolute best friend.”

-

 _EXO’s music blasted on the drive back. The second the clock hit midnight, Renjun ordered Jaemin to pull over. The smaller boy climbed on top of Jaemin's lap, a smile on his face._  


_"Happy Birthday." He didn't give Jaemin a chance to respond, quickly kissing the boy beneath him. "Don't take me back to my house. I want to spend the rest of the night with you." Who was Jaemin to decline a request from Renjun?_   


_It was past midnight and Jaemin’s phone rang with “Happy Birthday” texts from the members. Renjun responded to most of them. He felt too happy. The thought of him leaving the next day and his parents finding out about their relationship far gone from his mind. Tomorrow, the group already planned to celebrate Jaemin’s birthday properly._

 

_“Make sure to tell Yixing-hyung thank you for the tickets, okay?”_

 

_Renjun nodded. “I told him so many times. Did you have a good time?”_

 

_“Of course I did! I got to see EXO perform with you! It was the greatest birthday gift I could ask for.”_

 

_Jaemin came up on a dark road, no stop lights or street lights around. “You seemed to be enjoying yourself when “Artificial Love” started playing.” Renjun teased._

 

_A blush crept up on Jaemin’s cheeks. “What can I say, I prefer you over a cane.” That earned him a slap from the young Chinese boy. Jaemin’s laughter mixed in with the sounds of “Playboy.”_

 

_The two boys sang along with the albums, their attention focused on the moment. The roads remained still and dark and quiet. Jaemin and Renjun adjusted properly to the song change, singing to “Exodus” as Jaemin prepared to turn. But the turn never happened._

 

_A vehicle horn sounded loudly and bright headlights lit the inside of the sedan. Jaemin’s eyes met the lights as Renjun’s concerned face focused and blurred._

 

 _“Jaemin?”_  


_\-------  
_

_Warm. Something felt warm under his fingers. Cold. There was something cold beneath the warmth. Metal. The smell dominated the air. Pain throbbed in his head, his body unable to move properly. He moved his index finger. His toes curled fine. His shoulders ached, his limbs hurt, his vision spun, ringing plagued his ears. The warmth beneath his fingers intensified. It hurt to breathe. He opened his mouth to exhale. It hurt, too. He felt a sudden warmth on his head. Lifting his hand caused immense pain._

 

_Drip._

 

_Blood. Blood snaked across his head, down his hand. Blood underneath his other hand. That’s warmth. Glass underneath the blood, digging into his skin. He turned his head, bile about to escape his stomach into his mouth._

 

_He saw him. “Renjun?”_

 

_Eyes closed, blood drenched clothes, blood stained face, glass covered body._

 

_“Hey… Wake up…” No sound escaped. It hurt to talk. “Ren.. Jun… Wake up…”_

 

_Something else snaked down his cheeks. Warm, too. He reached over, ignoring the pain in his limb. Too far. He barely reached the skin._

 

_“Injun…”_

 

_Getting farther._

 

_“Injun wake up.” A small croak in his voice._

 

_The warmth covered his cheeks. Tears. Tears warmer than blood. He reached farther, touching the blood stained skin. Eyes remained closed. Cold. It wasn’t warm under the blood. Cold like the glass. Like he’s glass._

 

_Sirens blare, getting closer and closer. Red lights flashed, bouncing off the glass. Bouncing off Renjun’s face._

 

_He didn’t move. Darkness pulled him farther and farther away from the other body, like an entity hugged his soul and told him to leave._

 

_Come away with me._

 

_No. Not without Renjun._

 

_Come away with me._

 

_No! I need Renjun! Renjun-!_

 

_Come away with me._

 

_Don’t-no! I need him-I need him!_

 

_Come away with me._

 

_I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!_

 

_Two bodies. The paramedics lifted the unconscious boy off the ground and strapped him on a stretcher. Another kneeled beside the remaining body._

 

_“How’s the other one?”_

 

_She put two fingers underneath his jaw and waited._

 

_Pulse? None. Breath? None._

 

_She shook her head. “He’s gone.”_

 

_Twice. They revived Jaemin twice. Once on the way to the hospital and the other on the hospital bed. The boy was fighting. Harder than the doctors thought._

 

_Two in the morning, the helicopter roared to life as they transferred Jaemin’s body from the hospital to the helipad. It wasn’t enough; he needed better care. Jaemin left, but Renjun stayed._

 

_Renjun weighed shy of fifty-five kilograms standing at one hundred seventy-three centimeters. A small frame against a semi-truck in a side-impact collision? Not a chance. Five fatal injuries; head, pelvis, lungs, heart, spine. The boy sustained a head trauma, broken pelvis,broken ribs, punctured lung and aorta, and a broken spine on top of the external bleeding and broken arms and legs._

 

_His death? Immediate._

 

_He turned nineteen five months prior._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you made it! I hope that wasn't too much of an emotional ride.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t want to forget him. What if the sadness I feel of him being gone fades to happiness? What if instead of crying he’s gone, I’ll look back and smile? I don’t want that. I want to always want to have Renjun alive.

Jaemin shook violently as he finished talking, his head buried in his knees. Taeyong, Jaehyun, and Doyoung all a step away, not daring to go near the boy. Jeno remained standing in front of the shaking boy. 

 

Now he knew. He knew Renjun’s importance to Jaemin, the reason for Jaemin’s PTSD and panic attacks when it came to cars. He knew now why Jaemin apologized during an episode and why he blamed himself. 

  
He knew now what those guys meant when they told him of the rumor about Jaemin killing his previous boyfriend. No, it wasn’t murder. It was an unfortunate accident that left one boy dead and another boy severely traumatized. 

 

Jeno swallowed hard as he carefully stepped towards the shaking body. He sat down slowly, a hand lifted and landed on Jaemin’s back, softly running over the fabric of his clothing. Jeno turned the form towards him and the other boy collapsed in his hold. He wrapped his arms securely around Jaemin, continuing to run his hands up and down the younger boy’s spine. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Jeno whispered as the other began to cry. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”   
  
-

Jaemin was oddly quiet during his therapy session. He answered the questions, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk about his feelings. The counselor noted her patient’s lack of interest in the questions she asked. 

 

“What’s been going through your mind?” 

 

Jaemin’s eyes sparked a bit. “My mind?” 

 

“What have you been thinking about all this time I’ve been talking to you?” 

 

He refused to answer immediately; she understood. Jaemin shifted in his seat, eyes still pointed down at his feet. 

 

“I told Jeno about Renjun.” 

 

She leaned back in her chair, scribbling something on the notepad. Jaemin opened up about Renjun three weeks into his therapy sessions. She knew about Renjun and his importance to Jaemin. 

 

“How did that feel?” 

 

Jaemin shrugged. “I don’t know. While I talked, I was somewhat relieved. Almost happy. But at the same time, I couldn’t help but cry. I was telling someone I like about a person I’ve loved.” The past tense came out bitter on his tongue. “I like Jeno. But, there’s always a part of me that wants Renjun. And that part will never die.” 

 

“Jaemin-”

 

“I’m scared. What if I forget Renjun? What if I just see him as a vague memory in the future? What if I think of him and I feel nothing? I want to like Jeno more, but what if being with him makes me forget Renjun?” 

 

She watched as Jaemin gripped the edge of the chair, tears spilling down his face. “I don’t want to forget him. What if the sadness I feel of him being gone fades to happiness? What if instead of crying he’s gone, I’ll look back and smile? I don’t want that. I want to always want to have Renjun alive. I don’t want to be happy he’s dead!” 

  
-  
  


Jaehyun and Taeyong kept a close watch on Jaemin during practice. The younger member was okay, but at the same time, he wasn’t. Like the happiness he put on was a fluke so the others wouldn’t question him. 

 

Jaehyun walked Jaemin back to the dorm, the silence between them thick and awkward. “How was therapy yesterday?” 

 

“Fine.” It almost seemed automatic. 

 

“Have you been taking your medications lately?” Jaemin nodded. 

 

Jaehyun sighed softly. “And your exposure therapy?” When he didn’t hear an answer, the older grabbed his arm and directed him to a different way. 

 

“Hyung, where are we-”

 

“Just follow me.” 

 

The two boys walked towards Jaehyun’s dorm parking lot. Jaehyun owned a car on campus but hardly used it due to wanting to walk with the members instead. Jaemin’s pace slowed as they neared the sleek black sedan. Jaehyun unlocked the car and stood by the door, holding out his hand. 

 

“I know pictures of cars don’t bother you. So now, it’s time for the next step.” 

 

Jaemin swallowed as he walked closer, taking Jaehyun’s hand. He heard a faint car horn in the distance, jerking his hand back. 

 

“Jaemin.” Jaehyun’s voice came out stern. 

 

The younger boy held on to his hyung’s hand, his own hand shaking and becoming clammy. Jaehyun placed Jaemin’s hand on the door handle of the car, placing his own on top of the smaller one. He pulled on Jaemin’s hand, the door slightly opening. 

 

He heard it. 

 

The loud horn, the metal, the breaking of the glass, Renjun’s voice saying his name. 

 

Jaemin immediately released his grip and dropped to his knees, eyes wide and breaths coming out deep in pants. 

 

Jaehyun kneeled down in front of him, wrapping his arms around the other boy’s shoulder. 

-

Taeyong and the rest of the group studied in the library after practice. When he saw Jaehyun walk towards them, Taeyong frowned. 

 

“Jaehyun? What’s wrong? How’s Jaemin?” 

 

Jeno turned his attention towards the other member at the mention of Jaemin’s name. Jaehyun sat down across from Taeyong, besides Doyoung and Taeil. He didn’t speak for a while and when he finally did, Taeyong’s heart beat increased. 

 

“I think he’s relapsing, Taeyong.” 

 

Everyone stopped talking, all attention at Jaehyun. “What do you mean? He’s going to therapy, he has his medications, he has us. He told us he was getting better and we all saw it!” 

 

“It isn’t always that simple, Taeyong.” Johnny spoke. “Depression doesn’t have a cure like other diseases.” 

 

“So what do we do? We’re running out of options and I don’t want him sent to a mental hospital.”

 

Kun and Sicheng exchanged glances, Sicheng nodding. “I think we know what’s happening, Jaehyun.” 

 

Everyone turned to glance at Kun. “China line and I felt the same way when Renjun died. A few weeks after his funeral, we laughed at Xuxi for something stupid he did. Soon afterwards, we felt guilty. We thought, why are we all of a sudden laughing when we just lost Renjun?” 

 

“What are you saying?” Taeyong interrupted, not quite sure what Kun was getting at. 

 

“He means Jaemin feels guilty for starting to feel better.” Johnny answered. “It makes sense if you think about it. For the past two years all Jaemin has felt are sadness and betrayal. Feeling something close to happiness is foreign to him; he isn’t used to feeling happy. Unlike before.”   
  
-

After practice, Jeno’s phone rang with Jaemin’s name lighting up the screen. 

 

“Hello?” 

 

“Jeno-yah, I’m sorry if I’m calling you late. I just remember you saying you’re only free time is around midnight. Did I interrupt something?” 

 

Jeno packed up his bag and waved goodbye to his instructor as he talked. “No, no. I just got done with practice. Did you need anything?” 

 

“Can you come over, please?” 

 

He didn’t ask why. Jeno knew by sound of Jaemin’s voice the other boy had been crying. “I’ll be over in a bit.” 

 

The walk to Jaemin’s dorm wasn’t far, ten minutes at most. Outside, he saw a figure sitting on the curb, a blanket around their shoulders. Jeno recognized the hair color as he approached the figure. 

 

“Hey, what are you doing out here? It’s cold.” He stripped off his jacket, wrapping it around Jaemin’s shoulders. 

 

Jaemin glanced up, his eyes glossy. “I remember you couldn’t go in without an ID.” 

 

Jeno grabbed him by the shoulders, wrapping his arms around the smaller form. “Come on, before you catch a cold.” 

 

Nothing changed in Jaemin’s room. Everything was neat and clean and folded. His bed still housed the hamster plushie, making Jeno smile internally. 

 

Jaemin crawled into his bed, patting the space next to him. Jeno dropped his bag and laid beside the boy, hugging him close. 

 

“You’re warm.” Jaemin whispered, burying his face in Jeno’s chest. 

 

He played with the dark brown strands, admiring how Jaemin’s lashes touched his cheeks. “Is that a bad thing?” 

 

Jaemin shook his head. “I like being warm.” 

 

Jeno let out a soft laugh, embracing the body tighter. “Sleep, I’m not going anywhere.” 

 

Sooner or later, Jaemin’s breathing evened. Jeno leaned back, taking in Jaemin’s beauty; his soft, tan skin, long lashes, soft hair, the way his smile brightened up any room. Renjun had all of those for fourteen years. 

 

He brushed back the brown hair, exposing Jaemin’s forehead. Jeno leaned down and planted a kiss. They’ve only known each other for a short amount of time, but Jeno couldn’t believe how attracted he was to Na Jaemin. He accepted the way his heart beat faster around Jaemin, how he found himself often staring at Jaemin, how he craved for Jaemin to hold his hand, how he loved hugging Jaemin, how he wanted to be more than friends with Jaemin. 

 

Jeno kissed his forehead again. “You’re so handsome.” He remembered what Kun told them in the library. “Don’t ever feel guilty for being happy. That’s part of healing. I know it’s difficult, but you will get better. I promise.” 

-

_ The group gathered in the practice room, waiting for Renjun to arrive to start preparing for Jaemin’s surprise party. Renjun was late, thirty minutes late.  _

 

_ “I can’t get a hold of him.” Kun sighed, ending the call. “It goes straight to voicemail.”  _

 

_ “Did you try calling Jaemin?” Just as Doyoung asked, Jaehyun’s phone rang.  _

 

_ “Jaemin! Thank god, are you with Renjun-” Jaehyun stopped talking.  _

 

_ He stood up from the floor, brows furrowing. “Yes, this is his teammate… Jaehyun.” Silence hung around for what seemed like an eternity. Jaehyun’s mouth slowly opened as he turned to meet Taeyong’s curious eyes. He could feel his body trembling. “I… Yes I understand. Thank you.” He barely owned enough strength to end the call.  _

 

_ “Jae? Who was that?” Taeyong stepped towards his boyfriend, seeing Jaehyun shaking.  _

 

_ “That- that was the hospital.” Everyone’s eyes widened.  _

 

_ “Is Jaemin okay?”  _

 

_ “What happened?”  _

 

_ “What is he doing there?”  _

 

_ “Is hyung hurt?” _

 

_ The questions erupted all at once. Jaehyun never answered a single one. His eyes blanked as he tried to explain what the person on the other line told him.  _

 

_ “Jaemin… Jaemin and Renjun got into a car accident last night.” His breath hitched as he forced the next sentence. “Jaemin’s in a coma.” Silence. “Ren… Renjun’s dead.”  _

 

_ Ear-deafening. The shock, the gasps, the silence that followed.  _

 

_ Taeyong took a step back, shaking his head. “No. No. That can’t be true. They’re lying to you! It’s not real. He’s not dead. Renjun’s not dead.” Taeyong grabbed Jaehyun by the collar, pulling his heels off the ground. “Yoonoh! Tell me Renjun’s not dead!”  _

 

_ Sicheng dropped to the ground, crying uncontrollably with Chenle and Kun beside him. Taeyong still gripped Jaehyun’s collar, burying his face in Jaehyun’s chest.  _

 

_ He cried, too.  _

 

_ “He’s not dead… Jaehyun, please…”  _

 

_ Jaehyun just wrapped his arms around Taeyong’s small body, allowing the tears to escape his eyes.  _

 

_ No one stayed standing. They all held each other, crying shamelessly. China line hugged Sicheng close and tightly, sharing the pain of loss.  _

 

_ Mark bit his lip while he hugged Jisung and wrapped an arm around Haechan. He drew blood from his lips and cried with them.  _

 

_ Johnny embraced Ten tightly, Ten’s sobs muffled by Johnny’s chest. He didn’t try to hold back anything.  _

 

_ Doyoung, Taeil, and Yuta leaned against each other for support as tears streamed down their faces. Yuta shut his eyes, focusing on the pain in his chest.  _

 

_ Make it go away. Let this be a dream. Wake us up from this nightmare.  _

-

_ They all visited Jaemin. Taeyong wished they didn’t; he wasn’t prepared for what he saw.  _

 

_ A nurse lead them to a corner room in the intensive care unit, telling the group of boys they were welcome to stay for as long as they wished. Doyoung thanked him. He looked at Taeyong standing in front of the doorway, frozen in place. Jaehyun grabbed his shoulders and moved their leader forward.  _

 

_ Inside, a small body laid on a bed covered with wires and tubes, and a short sounds from the screen showing small spikes. Taeyong wanted to throw up at the sight. A ventilator attached to Jaemin’s mouth helped him breathe while wires and IV lines crowded the side of he bed. Bandages wrapped around Jaemin’s head and neck and chest. Taeyong couldn’t help but cry.  _

 

_ He pulled up a chair next to the bed, holding Jaemin’s small hand.  _

 

_ “Happy Birthday Jaemin-ah. Wake up soon. We all miss you.”  _

 

_ The members surrounded the bed, eyes soft and tearfilled. Doyoung sat on the other side of the boy, brushing back the dark hair, noting all the scratches and bruises on the skin.  _

 

_ “Renjun would want you to wake up.” Taeyong choked out, brining the back of Jaemin’s hand to his lips. “Please?”  _

-

_ Everyday. the older members visited Jaemin everyday. Renjun’s autopsy report came back four days after the accident. The Huangs already planned the funeral. Jaemin still didn’t wake up.  _

 

_ Flowers decorated the blank room, the machine’s sounds filled the air. Taeyong was sick of hearing the beeps that emitted from the heart rate monitor. He made the mistake of asking the doctor when their teammate would awaken.  _

 

_ “We don’t know. It could be tomorrow, or never.”  _

 

_ Taeyong bit back a spiteful response. Never? No. Jaemin would wake up. He had to.  _

 

_ For the following days, the group played a list of songs Renjun covered, hoping it would wake Jaemin. Instead, it crushed them. They would never hear Renjun sing any of the songs live, see his facial expressions while singing and never see the way Jaemin stared at him in awe while he sang.  _

 

_ They all attended Renjun’s visitation; the boy’s parents planning to bury him back in China. The group met on campus, taking a bus to the funeral home. One by one, Taeyong watched as each member came, dressed in a black suit with wanly looks on their faces. Sicheng and Kun arrived simultaneously, hand in hand. Yuta tried to comfort his partner, but nothing helped.  _

 

_ Hundreds of pictures decorated the funeral room. Most of the pictures displayed were of Renjun with the group; polaroids Jaemin gave him throughout the years. Jaemin should be there with them.  _

 

_ Kun guided the Chinese members towards the front where Renjun’s casket stood. It was closed.  _

_ The four cried the hardest. They talked with Renjun’s parents, his mom’s eyes red tear-stained. After the talk, Kun heard Renjun’s father’s next whispered words.  _

 

_ “Jaemin should’ve been the dead one.”  _

 

_ Chenle spotted Yixing in the group of people, scurrying over to the older man, hugging him tightly. “Yixing-xuezhang!”  _

 

_ Yixing turned around and saw the younger boy coming towards him with open arms. He hugged the boy in return, rubbing a hand down his back. He met fourteen pairs of eyes, each filled to the brim with sorrow, confusion, and exhaustion. He motioned for all of them to come over. Kun wrapped his arms around Chenle, Sicheng and Xuxi on the left and right. Yuta embraced Sicheng from the back, Doyoung wrapped his arms around Kun’s shoulders, Taeil’s around Doyoung’s. Jungwoo embraced Xuxi, Taeyong and Jaehyung right beside both of them. Jisung leaned to hug Taeyong and felt Ten’s arms around his waist. Haechan wrapped an arm around Ten’s and Jaehyun’s waist, feeling Mark’s grip on his hip. Johnny laid a hand on Mark’s shoulder.  _

 

_ Everyone watched as fifteen young men embraced each other, Chenle holding onto Yixing as if the man was the only thing keeping them afloat.  _

 

_ Yixing shifted his gaze, landing on the closed casket. He felt a trickle down his cheek as he buried his face in Chenle’s hair.  _

  
-  
  


_ Jaemin woke up three nights later. Kun, Taeyong, Jaehyun, and Ten slept in the hospital room after Jaemin’s parents were unable to watch over their son due to a business trip.  _

 

_ The room lights were dim, making opening his eyes easier. Jaemin felt heat on both of his hands and heard a short pinging distant sound. It hurt to take deep breath. He licked his lips. Dry. Turning his head, he saw a familiar face resting on the edge of the bed.  _

 

_ “Taeyong-hyung?” He rasped out.  _

 

_ He moved the hand Taeyong held. “Hyung…”  _

 

_ Taeyong stirred, rubbing his eyes as he retracted his head off the bed. He expected his hand to slip right out of Jaemin’s. This time, it didn’t.  _

 

_ Taeyong’s eyes widened as he saw Jaemin gripping his hand tightly. He quickly shifted his gaze to meet the younger boy’s eyes.  _

 

_ “Jaemin?”  _

 

_ It still hurt to take a deep breath. “Hyung.”  _

 

_ “Oh my god!” He broke out in tears, waking up the other members in the room.  _

 

_ Ten and Kun both jolted awake at the sound of Taeyong’s voice.  _

 

_ “Hyung, what’s the problem?” Ten yawned, rubbing his eyes.  _

 

_ Jaehyun sat up from the couch, squinting towards the dim light near Jaemin’s bed. “Taeyong? What’s wrong?”  _

 

_ Taeyong turned to the others, unable to contain his relief. “He’s awake!”  _

 

_ The three wasted no time to bolt up and towards Jaemin. They all crowded around the bed, tears filling their eyes as they saw Jaemin blink and move his head.  _

 

_ Ten nearly cried at the sight.“Oh my god.”  _

 

_ “How do you feel?” Taeyong asked, brushing back the dark hair.  _

 

_ Jaemin’s eyes scanned through their faces, unable to speak well at first. “Ren… Renjun? Where’s Renjun?”  _

 

_ Kun smiled sadly, leaning in to hug the broken figure on the bed. He heard the older member’s soft cries in his ear.  _

 

_ His eyes searched Jaehyun’s. They spoke the same thing.  _

 

_ “No. No that’s not right. He… he couldn’t have…” He remembered. Renjun. His body, his cold skin, the dark red blood. “No! No, hyung. You’re- you’re lying to me! He’s fine! He’s fine!”  _

 

_ Kun cried harder.  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it! So remember the "too much angst" tag? Yeah it'll be creeping up slowly but surely, so enjoy!
> 
> Also, any guesses as to what might happen to Jaemin next after Jaehyun's thoughts of him relapsing? 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!!


	9. Attempt I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin lost interest rather quickly. He used to study in the library after practice with the members. Not anymore. He used to eat out at a popular local burger place with Mark, Hyuck, Chenle, and Jisung. Not anymore. He used to cook with Taeyong and Kun and Jaehyun during long weekends. Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! So this chapter is quite something... If you're a little sensitive to self-harm/ suicide attempts, read at your own risk.

_ The Huangs found out about Jaemin waking up from Chenle. The young Chinese boy begged them to see Jaemin before moving back to China.  _

 

_ “Please!”  _

 

_ Renjun’s father threw Chenle a spiteful gaze. “Why would I visit the boy who killed my son?”  _

 

_ “It was an accident! The investigators told you themselves the truck missed a stop sign! You’ve seen Jaemin as your second son for years!”  _

 

_ “Yes. And that was before I found out he and Renjun had been in a relationship for years!”  _

 

_ Chenle just about threw a fist towards the man. “Sir, I’m begging you, please come and see Jaemin. Just once.”  _

 

_ Renjun’s father’s face relaxed, a thin line still showed on his lips. “Fine. Just this once.”  _

 

_Chenle hated himself for suggesting the Huangs to visit Jaemin. He loathed himself too much._  
  
-

_ Jaemin underwent a cognitive test to see how well he spoke and passed just fine. He needed to undergo physical therapy to regain the strength to move properly again, though. He’s had visitors ranging from family members to the members and old acquaintances. Most of the time, NCT members visited him and even stayed the night.  _

 

_ When he heard the door open, he expected Taeyong and Jaehyun to walk in with Ten and Johnny like every Monday. This time, a couple walked in. A couple Jaemin saw as his second parents for years.  _

 

_ His eyes widened at the sight of Renjun’s parents.  _

 

_ “H-Huang-”  _

 

_ “Don’t bother.” The man spoke, his voice hard and stern.  _

 

_ Jaemin’s eyes lowered. “I’m sorry.”  _

 

_ “Sorry?” Jaemin flinched. “That’s all you have to say? My son’s dead because of you! He’s to be buried in Jilin at nineteen because of you! You fucking faggot managed to brainwash my son to fall in love with you and look where that got him!”  _

 

_ The woman tried to calm down her husband. It was too late. Jaemin bit his lip as tears fell from his eyes, his hands gripping the sheets on his lap.  _

 

_ “It’s all your fault Renjun isn't here. He should be in California right now, pursuing his dream, but instead, he’s in a casket. You probably did this deliberately to keep him from moving to America. Well, I hope you’re happy, Na Jaemin.”  _

 

_ Jaemin didn’t even hear Taeyong and the others walk through the door. Taeyong’s eyes narrowed at the sight of a crying Jaemin and Renjun’s parents. He hurried over to the bed, embracing the younger boy tightly.  _

 

_ “What the hell did you say to him?” He spat at the man.  _

 

_ Renjun’s father held a straight face. “Everything he needs to know.”  _

 

_ That was the last time Jaemin saw Renjun’s parents.  _

 

_ If looks could kill, the couple would’ve died just by the way Johnny stared them down. The tall boy shut the door as he watched his boyfriend and best friends surround Jaemin.  _

 

_ “Hyung.” The boy choked out. “It’s my fault isn’t it? Renjun’s dead because of me. I should’ve told him I didn’t want to go if he wasn’t allowed to leave his house. I shouldn’t have agreed on going out with him.”  _

 

_ Taeyong rested his chin on top of Jaemin’s head, rubbing his arm. “Shh. It’s not your fault. It was an accident. You couldn’t have known that truck was going to hit you.” _

 

_ Jaemin sobbed harder. “I wanted to be selfish. I wanted… I wanted one last night with him. And now he’s dead. He’s…”  _

 

_ He buried his face in Taeyong’s chest, the cries slowly crescendoing. Taeyong buried his face in the dark hair, tightening his embrace as Jaemin cried.  _

 

_ Yixing stood outside Jaemin’s room, having heard the entire conversation between the Huangs and Jaemin. He managed to hide himself from the couple as they left the hospital. He hadn’t seen Jaemin since the concert almost three weeks ago.  _

  
-  
  


Jaemin woke up warm in Jeno’s arms.  __ He still had two hours to spare before his first class eight in the morning. He carefully slipped out of bed, rifling through his closet and pulling out a pair of black sweatpants and an orange sweatshirt. 

 

He downed an apple before opening an orange pill bottle and swallowing a pill. On his desk, he stashed the polaroid in a drawer and placed the navy blue sweatshirt back in the closet. Six thirty, he shook Jeno. 

 

“Jeno? Jeno wake up.” 

 

The older boy stirred before stretching and rubbing his eyes. He sat up, still half asleep. “Good morning.” 

 

Jaemin grinned brightly. “Good morning.” 

 

Jeno smiled in return, his eyes turning into crescents. He wasn’t much of a morning person, but having Jaemin greet him, he couldn’t help but smile. 

 

“I’m sorry if it’s early, but I have lecture at eight o’clock. I wanted you to have enough time to eat and get ready before your first class.” 

 

The smiled remained on Jeno’s lips. “I have one at eight thirty.” 

 

Jaemin made his way over to his desk, grabbing the sweatpants and sweatshirt. “I figured I could save you some time. We look like we’re about the same size, so these should fit.” He opened a drawer under the bed, pulling out a towel. “If you need a shower, bathroom’s right across the hall.” 

 

Just then, the urge to kiss Jaemin nagged Jeno. He grabbed the towel from Jaemin’s hands. “Thank you.” 

 

The cold water helped calm his thoughts; Jeno didn’t get much of a shower after practice last night. He stood in the middle of the stall, Jaemin’s past consuming his thoughts. Renjun was just the beginning. 

 

Jeno stepped in Jaemin’s room, hearing Yixing’s new album playing. He expected Jaemin to be ready. But something else struck him. As he turned the corner, he saw Jaemin pulling on his shirt. A breath caught in Jeno’s throat at the next sight. 

 

Scars. All over Jaemin’s shoulders and lower back. Some were small. Some were raised and lighter than his skin. Jeno swallowed as he took a step, his feet heavy as lead. 

 

Jaemin gasped as he felt colg hands on his shoulders. He froze. Jeno’s arms crossed his chest as the older boy hugged him from behind. 

 

Jeno whispered, “You don’t have to say anything.” 

 

Jaemin’s vision blurred as tears crowded his eyes. He couldn’t cry like before. At least not from the pain of remembrance. 

 

On some days, Mark caught up with Jaemin due to his classroom being a block over from Jaemin’s dorm. He expected to see the younger member. What he didn’t expect was Jeno and Jaemin walking out of the dorm building hand in hand. Jeno was talking, his eyes smiling along with Jaemin’s lips. They nonchalantly walked and talked, not caring if other students passed a judgemental look. 

 

Mark quietly followed them until they reached Jaemin’s class. He watched them hug and Jeno waving before heading off in the opposite direction. Once Jaemin stepped inside the building, Mark caught up with Jeno. 

 

“Hyung! Good morning-”

 

“What was that?” 

 

Jeno frowned, not expecting that kind of greeting from Mark Lee. “What was what, hyung?” 

 

“Don’t play dumb. I saw you and Jaemin walk out of Jaemin’s dorm together!” 

 

Jeno’s lips pressed together, avoiding eye-contact with Mark. “Oh that… Well, Jaemin called me last night and asked to stay with him. So I did. I’m guessing he just wanted company.” 

 

“If he wanted company he would’ve called Taeyong-hyung or Jaehyun-hyung or even Doyoung-hyung.” 

 

“It was late at night. I’m sure Jaemin didn’t want to bother them.” He swallowed hard. He’d known Mark well enough that the other boy rarely became mad or scowled at someone. “Really, hyung. Nothing else happened. I just slept in his room. You can talk to Jaemin about it later.” 

 

Mark crossed his arms. “And the hand holding?” 

 

Jeno pursed his lips. “Ah that… J-Jaemin wanted to. I didn’t mind. Look, hyung, I’m going to be late to class. I’ll see you later at practice?” 

 

Mark’s expression never changed. “Yeah, see you.” It was only when Jeno disappeared Mark realized he wore Jaemin’s clothes as well. 

  
-  
  


_ Jaemin walked in his room for the first time in nearly a month. He stayed in the hospital longer than expected, his spine deciding to have mind of its own. The doctor wanted him to be in physiotherapy three times a week for six weeks for his lower back and to help him with his mobility. Jaemin was to take painkillers when necessary.  _

 

_ He slowly trudged towards his table where framed pictures of him and Renjun sat. He picked up the most recent; Renjun sitting on his lap while they watched a music video. The picture caught their matching bracelets.  _

 

_ Jaemin sat on his bed, his eyes glued to Renjun’s face. God, did he miss his best friend. He missed his other half. His thumb brushed across the pale skin, almost feeling Renjun’s skin underneath the finger.  _

 

_ Renjun’s dark hair, his hands, his skin, his eyes, his small frame, everything Jaemin loved about him physically. He could still hear Renjun’s voice.  _

 

_ Jaemin glanced up to study the rest of the pictures. His breathing came out in pants as tears slipped from his eyes. He couldn’t breathe, his breaths coming short, desperate to get oxygen back into him. He threw the frame across the room, the glass shattering loudly against the silence of the air. Jaemin rushed to his closet, rifling through his clothes until he came across a navy blue sweatshirt.  _

 

_ He pressed the clothing against chest, noting how it still smelled like Renjun.  _

 

_ He cried.  _

 

_ Dropping to his knees, he cried.  _

 

_ Renjun… Please… Please come back to me! Please! You promised we’d stay together forever!  _

 

_ Time stilled for months. College didn’t seem real or exciting. Everything turned gray for Jaemin. Nothing housed color. Even during fall when the trees changed color, they were all different shades of grey. More often than not, Jaemin stayed in his dorm for days at a time. He often stared at his ceiling, silent tears down the side of his face. His body refused to move, as if some other force sucked all his energy out.  _

 

_ Nothing felt right in the world to Jaemin. Renjun’s voice rang in his ear more than enough times to drive him near insanity.  _

 

_ “Let’s be together for a long time, okay?”  _

 

_ Stop it.  _

 

_ “Never stop loving me, or I’m going to kill you.”  _

 

_ Stop it.  _

 

_ “Jaemin-ah! I love you!”  _

 

_ “Stop it!”  _

 

_ Jaemin buried his face in the mattress, pulling a pillow down on the back of his head, covering his ears.  _

 

_ It hurt to cry. It hurt to breathe. It hurt every time he heard Renjun’s voice saying “I love you.”  _

 

_ He never liked making other worry about him. Not since the accident. Jaemin stood in front of his bathroom mirror shirtless, a small rectangular piece of metal in between his fingers. Why couldn’t he stop crying? He assessed his health for the past few months. Shit. He barely ate anything, surviving on water and apples and protein shakes and coffee. He lost nearly twenty pounds in one month. On top of that, he forced himself to attend dance practice to avoid questions from the other members.  _

 

_ The scars from the accident clearly visible on his torso.  _

 

_ Now, he watched as his arm automatically reached behind him, slashing his skin open with the metal razor. Jaemin bit his lip. Numb. He felt numb.  _

 

_ Two. Three. Four… He lost count.  _

 

_ He placed the red-stained razor down on the sink, feeling a slight burn on his back. He turned around to asses the damage. Scars already decorated his back from the accident. But amongst them were new slashes, some deeper than others. Short streaks of blood joined the scars.  _

 

_ The hot water from the shower felt like ice picks on the skin, but the pain distracted him enough from the burning ache in his heart.  _

 

_ Jaemin rarely slept. He’d close his eyes for twenty minutes, hear a car horn and suddenly wake up, staying awake for the next five hours. He’d ask Hyuck about makeup and bought himself a tube of concealer and eyeliner to make himself look awake in the morning. No one questioned anything.  _

 

_ On nights he wanted to sleep, he’d drink alcohol to the last drop. And that barely provided him with three hours of rest.  _

 

_ Of course, the hyungs worried about Jaemin. Everytime they talked to him, however, Jaemin only smiled, assuring his members he was fine.  _

 

_ It couldn’t be farther from the truth.  _

 

_ Jaemin lost interest rather quickly. He used to study in the library after practice with the members. Not anymore. He used to eat out at a popular local burger place with Mark, Hyuck, Chenle, and Jisung. Not anymore. He used to cook with Taeyong and Kun and Jaehyun during long weekends. Not anymore.  _

 

_ Instead, Jaemin locked himself in his single-dorm room, tears staining his face as he watched blood mix with water in the shower. He’d stay until the water turned cold. Sometimes, he’d stay even longer.  _

 

_ He pulled his knees closer to his body, feeling the water temperature change from scalding hot to ice cold. He never shivered.  _

 

_ His grades slowly dropped, forcing his professor to talk to him about his grades. He’d try better, he promised weakly. A month later, the college called his parents.  _

 

_ Jaemin saw a psychiatrist and was immediately put on antidepressants, something he concealed from his members.  _

 

_ They didn’t need to worry about him. _

 

_ Mark often times stopped by to pick up Jaemin before their first class. Mark hadn’t told anyone, but his concern for Jaemin increased as the days passed. Jaemin’s smile slowly grew less bright. What’s even weirder, Jaemin would often give Mark a hug when they first meet up. That morning, he didn’t.  _

 

_ “Everything okay?”  _

 

_ Jaemin nodded, the fake smile plastered on his face. “Everything’s fine, hyung!”  _

 

_ Mark nearly threw up at the sound of the artificial happiness in Jaemin’s voice. Even weirder, Mark did all the talking as they walked. Jaemin said approximately three words during their ten minute walk. Mark counted.  _

 

_ “I’ll see you at practice?”  _

 

_ Jaemin shifted uncomfortably, eyeing the red-leafed trees behind Mark. “Sure, hyung. See you.”  _

-

_ Everyone moved at a slow pace. Black and white, blurring with every step they took. They’re voice mingled, unable to be coherent. He heard his own breath, hi own footsteps. Like a robot he walked.  _

 

_ His dorm housed an eerie silence Jaemin sliced through. The same feeling from the accident grabbed him.  _

 

_ Come away with me.  _

 

_ Will I see Renjun?  _

 

_ Come away with me.  _

 

_ I’ll meet him again, right? _

 

_ Come away with me.  _

 

_ He and I will be together again.  _

 

_ Twenty in his palm, three lined up.  _

 

_ I’ll get to see Renjun again.  _

 

_ One second to decide.  _

-

_ Something wasn’t right.  _

 

_ He never saw Jaemin at practice. Mark entered the practice room, rereading the text he recently got from the younger member. The boy would be skipping out on practice due to his health. Mark understood; Renjun’s passing happened three months ago and he knew Jaemin needed some time. But simultaneously, he couldn’t shake off the cold feeling under his skin that something else went through Jaemin’s mind. He couldn’t help but remember the strange morning walk they shared.  _

 

_ “Hey guys, did you all get a message from Jaemin?” Mark looked up from his phone, watching his members scroll through their messages.  _

 

_ They all nodded. “Yeah, he said he won’t be coming to practice ‘cause he isn’t feeling well.” Yuta answered. That’s what Mark’s message said. It seemed like Jaemin mass texted them the same information. But still.  _

 

_ Something didn’t feel right.  _

 

_ At the end a the message, Jaemin would usually say things like “See you tomorrow,” or “See you soon.” But at the end of this message, Jaemin typed “Good-bye.”  _

 

_ Mark started hyperventilating. “Hyung, we need to find him. Now.”  _

 

_ The older members shifted their attention to Mark. “What do you mean? He’s fine, he said he wasn’t feeling well enough to practice.” Jaehyun explained, his eyes slowly starting to worry.  _

 

_ Mark shook his head. “No. No you don’t understand. Jaemin never tells us goodbye. Not once! He always says things like “See you later” or something like that. But never goodbye. We need to find him!”  _

 

_ Taeyong dialed Jaemin’s number, putting the phone on speaker. The call went straight to voicemail. Mark started to panic. He saw the tension rise in the members.  _

 

_ Taeyong and Jaehyun exchanged looks and nodded. “Lets go.”  _

 

_ Taeil, Johnny, Taeyong, Yuta, Jaehyun, and Mark all sprinted towards Jaemin’s dorm, sprinting up the stairs to the right floor.  _

 

_ The members never stopped until they hit the end of the hallway where Jaemin’s room door stayed isolated.  _

 

_ “Jaemin!” Taeyong turned the knob and pushed the door. Locked. “Jaemin! Jaemin, open up!” He banged on the wood, yelling at the top of his lungs. “Jaemin, I swear to god if you don’t open this door…!” He began kicking the door, pulling and pushing on the knob. “Jaemin!”  _

 

_ “Move!” Yuta shoved Taeyong out of the way and kicked the door, attempting several times until it finally opened.  _

 

_ Taeyong pushed past him, nearly knocking Yuta against the broken wood. He wished he prepared himself for what he found.  _

 

_ On the space next to the bed, Jaemin laid on the floor faced down. An orange pill bottle empty on the table along with three empty bottles of soju. Jaehyun turned the boy to his back, realizing no breaths escaped Jaemin’s mouth.  _

 

_ “Fuck!” Jaehyung placed his palm down the middle of Jaemin’s breastbone, the other hand right on top. He pushed down on the boy’s chest, continuing the motion. “Come on, Jaemin, breathe!”  _

 

_ Taeil already called for an ambulance in the midst of the chaos. While Jaehyun tried to revive Jaemin, Johnny read the label of the empty orange bottle. Prozac. Thirty pills to be taken once a day. 20 milligrams. It was prescribed ten days ago.  _

 

_ The RA of the dorm and the paramedics arrived faster than expected. Jaemin still wasn’t breathing. At this point, Taeyong was on the brink of tears and a meltdown.  _

 

_ Jaemin was going to die. Jaehyun never once stopped performing CPR even after the paramedics arrived. He tried ignoring the cracking of the bones beneath his hands.  _

 

_ “Do you know what he took?” An EMT asked.  _

 

_ Johnny held out the pill bottle. “Probably twenty of these. We don’t know when he took them. He also drank alcohol with it. Three bottles of soju, to be exact.”  _

 

_ “He took them fifteen minutes ago.” Mark replied. “He sent us a message before he overdosed.”  _

 

_ It was at that point it started to sink in. Taeyong wrapped his arms around Mark as Jaemin started breathing again. The paramedics strapped his body to a stretcher and wheeled him out of the room, one EMT collecting the drugs Jaemin took.  _

 

_ “I’d like for one of you to notify his family.”  _

 

_ Taeil nodded, dialing Jaemin’s home number with shaking fingers. Jaehyun remained kneeling on the floor, his breath heavy, sweat gleaming on his pale skin.  _

 

_ The EMT approached him. “He owes you his life. If you hadn’t done CPR on him, he’d probably been dead before we got here.”  _

-

_ None of them slept peacefully. Taeyong often went over to Jaehyun’s dorm to stay the night to fight off loneliness. Usually, he’d fall right asleep in Jaehyun’s arms. Not that night. Everytime he closed his eyes, he’d see Jaemin’s body, forcing his eyes to open again.  _

 

_ Jaehyun hadn’t spoken a word since the paramedic told him he’d saved Jaemin’s life. Taeyong laid beside Jaehyun, the other boy not once looked at him. Jaehyun’s eyes drifted somewhere else, his thoughts lingering in a different world.  _

 

_ “Jae?” Taeyong whispered.  _

 

_ Jaehyung glanced down at him. “Mmm?”  _

 

_ “Do you think he’ll be okay?” _

 

_ Jaehyun’s lips refused to move. He didn’t want to sound so optimistic if Jaemin was just going to die in the end. “I don’t know. We can visit him first thing tomorrow morning if you want.”  _

 

_ Taeyong nodded, burying his head in Jaehyun’s chest. “I was so scared he was going to die. I… I should’ve seen it earlier.”  _

 

_ He felt Jaehyun’s arms embracing his body tighter. “Shh. It’s not your fault. We all should’ve seen something. I guess he’s just good at hiding his emotions.”  _

 

_ “He was never shy showing his love to Renjun, though.”  _

 

_ “That’s different. Taeyong, have you ever stopped at thought about how Renjun had practically been in Jaemin’s life ever since they were five? They’d never been apart, shared millions of smiles and a lifetime worth of happiness and love in a span of twelve years. It’s not something he can easily accept. Jaemin shows love much easier than pain.”  _

-

_ Taeil invited Mark to stay at his and Doyoung’s dorm for the night. He knew leaving Mark by himself at night wasn’t the best idea. Especially since it was Mark who knew that something wasn’t right with Jaemin.  _

 

_ Doyoung knew what happened. Taeil never failed to inform him on any important details. Mark hadn’t said a word since stepping in the dorm. Taeil tucked the young boy in, humming softly, hoping to rid Mark of any bad dreams.  _

 

_ Mark woke six times, crying out for Jaemin and once for Renjun.  _

-

_ Johnny liked sleeping with Ten pressed against his body. That night was no different. But to Ten, something felt off. Johnny wasn’t hugging him out of love and affection. He hugged Ten in fear, like the Thai boy was going to leave him.  _

 

_ Johnny told him the second Ten stepped through the door of the dorm.  _

 

_ Jaemin tried to kill himself by overdosing. Taeil, Johnny, Taeyong, Yuta, Jaehyun, and Mark all experienced the near death of a close friend. Ten couldn’t help but wonder what Jaemin felt after the accident. Was it similar to finding your younger member unresponsive the way Johnny had?  _

 

_ No. It was worse than that. Jaemin had a chance. Renjun didn’t.  _

 

_ And maybe that’s what set Jaemin over.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, how was it?


	10. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Jeno had to decide one word that described the Jaemin in front of him, he’d choose traumatized.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! Sorry, this chapter took a while to write and was rather lengthy. Still not satisfied w/ it... But oh well. Good enough I guess. Enjoy! 
> 
> Also, this story is now over 100 pages... Yikes.

No one questioned Jeno as he walked in the practice room wearing Jaemin’s clothes. Doyoung casted him a curious glance. 

 

“What, hyung?” 

 

“Did you go shopping in Jaemin’s closet or something?” Yuta teased. 

 

Jeno just smirked, stifling a laugh. “No. He gave this to me to borrow for the day.” 

 

“What, can’t do your own laundry?” Yuta was really in a teasing mood. 

 

Jeno just brushed it off, starting to stretch his body. “For your information, I spent last night in his dorm after my practice and I didn’t bring spare clothes, okay?” 

 

Doyoung and Taeyong’s eyes widened. “You spent the night with Jaemin?” 

 

Jeno nodded, not liking the tone of Taeyong’s voice. 

 

“You didn’t fuck him did you?” 

 

Taeyong wished Yuta would just shut up for once. 

 

The younger boy nearly collapsed from the statement. “Hyung, no! Jaemin just wanted company, okay? God, between you and Mark-hyung, I don’t know who’s worse!” 

 

“Mark knows?” 

 

“Yeah, he caught Jaemin and I walking out of Jaemin’s dorm. He’s so protective, I thought he was going to kill me on the spot.” 

 

Doyoung laughed, wrapping an arm around Jeno’s shoulder. “Well, as long as you and Jaemin just slept in the same room, we’re fine.” 

 

Jeno fell silent, wanting to ask one more question. “About that. This morning, I accidentally walked in on Jaemin changing his shirts.” The older members eyed Jeno as the young member continued. “He has marks all over his back. They looked like scars from an accident and from… from a razor blade.” 

 

Taeyong locked eyes with Doyoung, swallowing hard. “What’d Jaemin say?” 

 

“Nothing. I told him not to say anything.” 

 

A sigh of relief fell from Taeyong’s lips. “It’s probably best if he tells you.”

-

_ Taeyong watched from a distance as Jaemin and Renjun laughed and talked like no one else was around, a soft grin on his lips.  _

 

_ “They’re cute, huh?” Taeyong glanced over his shoulder to see Jaehyun standing behind him. He felt Jaehyun’s arms circle his slim waist. “The way Jaemin looks at Renjun is how you look at me.”  _

 

_ The grin widened. He leaned his head back, Jaehyun resting his chin on Taeyong’s head. “They’ll last for a while; maybe they’ll last forever.”  _

 

_ Jaehyun smirked. “Forever and ever like you and me.”  _

 

_ Jaemin helped Renjun download a game on his phone and figure out all the controls.  _

 

_ “Nana, you know I’m bad at gaming.”  _

 

_ “You don’t have to be good at games. Just follow me and I’ll cover you.”  _

 

_ Not three minutes in and Renjun’s character died four times. Jaemin nearly exploded in laughter at the fourth time.  _

 

_ Renjun glanced up to meet the eyes of Taeyong and Jaehyun who watched them fondly. He gave small wave returned by the older males.  _

 

_ “Can we stop? We’re not going anywhere in this game.”  _

 

_ Jaemin didn’t listen and continued to play, killing most of the enemies while Renjun proceeded to try to stay alive without Jaemin’s help. It didn’t work.  _

  
-  
  


_ Taeyong didn’t know when. He knew in the end, but he didn’t know when he realized Renjun truly loved Jaemin. Jaemin showed his love for Renjun openly. But the Chinese boy was rather ungenerous with public affection. Taeyong didn’t know when it clicked to him Renjun loved Jaemin. Maybe it was when he saw Renjun talking to China line with Jaemin’s head on his lap. The smaller boy threading his fingers through the dark strands while Jaemin slept. Maybe it was when he saw Renjun buying two cups of coffee; one for him, one for Jaemin, before school started. Maybe it was during Renjun’s surprise party when all Taeyong could see in the young Chinese boy’s eyes was pure and utter love for Jaemin. He didn’t know when, but Taeyong was glad he knew.  _

 

_ Sicheng knew. Sicheng knew the second he met Jaemin and Renjun. Sicheng knew the second he talked to Renjun how much Jaemin meant to him. He asked once if Jaemin was his only friend. Yes. But he didn’t mind; Jaemin didn’t use him like the others. He knew even more when Renjun called him in the middle of the night screaming how Jaemin had asked him out on a date. A smile always showed on Sicheng’s face the moment he saw Renjun reach for Jaemin’s hand when they walked out of the practice room, down the hallway, out in the streets. He smiled everytime Renjun talked about how well Jaemin treated him. He smiled even wider when he caught Renjun kissing Jaemin on Renjun’s birthday. Sicheng had known for a while.  _

 

_ Ten grasped the idea that Jaemin’s love wasn’t returned when Renjun refused to return affection in crowded places. He dropped the idea as soon as the doors to the train car closed. He watched as Renjun leaned against Jaemin’s chest as they stood up in a crowded train car. He watched as Renjun brushed off the looks others gave him and Jaemin as Jaemin began to kiss the smaller male’s forehead, wrapping Renjun’s smaller frame in his arms. He watched as Renjun glance up at Jaemin, grin, and kissed the younger boy. Ten knew Renjun reciprocated, but showed affection differently. Ten knew the moment he heard Renjun proclaim his love for Jaemin in that crowded train car. And the two kissed like nobody was around. Ten knew then.  _

-

Jeno watched Jaemin move with Jisung so fluidly to the beat of the latin song. God Jaemin was beautiful when he danced. Jeno silently wished he could dance “Baby Don’t Stop” with Jaemin.  

 

After practice, Taeyong gathered the group, finalizing their lineup. 

 

“So, first we’ll have Ten and I. Then we’ll have 127, then U, then Dream, then Jaemin and Jisung, Sicheng’s solo and finally all of us. Sound good?” 

 

Everyone nodded. “Great. I’ll turn this in to the head of the department and we’re set for the festival.” Seventeen pairs of hands clapped, cheers mixing in with the clapter. 

 

Jeno grabbed Jaemin’s arm before the boy could leave. “Cafe?” 

 

A bright smile broke out on Jaemin’s face. “Sure!” 

 

Mark eyed the two as they left, earning a head shake from Johnny. 

 

“Let him be. The two are getting along fine and they don’t need killjoy Mark to ruin their fun.” 

 

Taeyong grabbed his backpack, shutting the lights in the practice room as the remaining members left. “Seriously, Mark. Let Jaemin live a little. I know the last one was an asshole, but can you imagine cat-loving Jeno to be the same way?” 

 

Doyoung chuckled. “Jeno would be afraid to hurt Jaemin with his words, to be honest.” 

 

Maybe they were right? Maybe Jeno was good for Jaemin. But Mark’s protectiveness couldn’t be easily wiped away. 

 

On the walk to the cafe, Jaemin slipped his hand in Jeno’s, mentally smiling at how perfectly their hands fit together. He felt warm even in the chilly autumn day. His smile became physical when he felt Jeno rub the back of his hand after Jeno pushed him to the inside of the sidewalk before a speeding car passed by. 

 

They earned suspicious glances from other students; Jaemin brushed them off. He didn’t need their negativity. 

 

The negativity didn’t seem to want to go away, however. Three older males stopped them, Jaemin recognizing their faces immediately. His last one’s best friends. 

 

“Well, well, well. Na Jaemin. Long time no see.” Jaemin didn’t give them the satisfaction of a greeting. 

 

Instead, Jeno greeted them. “Can we help you?” 

 

The males sneered. “Jaemin, do you honestly think a guy like Lee Jeno would want a broken toy like you? You’re going to end up ruining such a nice kid. We wouldn’t want him dead like Renjun, now would we?” 

 

Jeno felt Jaemin flinch. Jeno rarely got mad. Rarely raised his voice on people, but these guys pushed it beyond their limit.

 

“Excuse me.” Now Jaemin nearly jumped back at the sound of Jeno’s voice. “ I don’t care who you are, but I don’t think you have the right to talk to him like that.” 

 

Before the other guys could answer back in disgust, Jeno pulled Jaemin in the opposite direction, not really caring where they ended up. 

-

_ Renjun stayed in bed a little extra longer, basking in Jaemin’s beautiful sleeping face. Jaemin’s arms wrapped around his small hips, pulling Renjun in close to his body. He didn’t mind; he liked it when Jaemin became clingy at night. He touched the younger boy’s cheek, slightly moving his thumb to brush aside a strand of hair. He’d known this human being since they were five and up until recently did Renjun realize how utterly Na Jaemin was, asleep and awake. He softly touched Jaemin’s lips with his before resting his head back in the space between Jaemin’s head and shoulder. Renjun never wanted to wake up.  _

_ But Jaemin had to. Needed to. He’d be selfish if he kept Jaemin asleep, with him forever. He knew. He saw who would love Jaemin after him. But Renjun didn’t want to give him up. Not after all they’ve been through.  _

 

_ He wiped the tears falling out of his eyes. “Nana? Jaemin-ah? Wake up.”  _

-

In the end, Jeno watched as Jaemin swiped his card to enter his dorm. Jeno really wanted to punch the guys for ruining his study date with Jaemin before it even started. 

 

Jaemin plopped down on his bed before heaving out a sigh. 

 

“I’m sorry about what those guys said to you.” 

 

Jaemin shook his head. “Don’t be. I’m used to it by now.” Somehow that made Jeno’s heart break a little more. 

 

He sat down besides Jaemin, holding his hand. 

 

It almost felt weird; Jeno hadn’t been in his dorm since yesterday morning, yet there he was in Jaemin’s dorm again after spending the night together. 

 

“You know, I don’t think you’re at fault for anything, right?” 

 

Jeno swore he heard Jaemin scoff. “You don’t know everything, Jeno. You say that now, but when you find out about the rest, you’ll want nothing to do with me.” 

 

Jeno took the statement as an insult. “Are you saying I’m like those guys that just bad-mouthed you?” 

 

Jaemin shot up, glaring at the face before him. “Because it’s true! I’ve heard it all before; “No I’m not like them,” “No, I’ll never leave you,” Everything! They’re all lies and I know you’re no different when you know what I’ve been through!” 

 

Jeno matched Jaemin’s glare. “Well, I don’t know what you’ve been through so I don’t count! And I won’t ever know because you and the other won’t tell me!” 

 

Red. Everything was red. 

 

“You want to know how fucking messed up I am? Fine!” 

 

Jaemin stood up and stripped off his shirt, his body shaking in fear and anger as he felt Jeno’s eyes wander his back. All the rage inside Jeno slowly faded as his mouth fell open,  absorbing all of the marks on Jaemin’s skin. Seeing it from afar was nothing compared to seeing it so close. 

 

“Are all of these-”

 

“Some are from the accident.” Jaemin’s voice became soft. “The smaller ones are from me.” 

 

Jeno traced the fading scars. He lost count after thirty. Some were deep, others began to fade, some were barely visible. Jeno softly touched the long, raised scars, remembering how they felt on his fingertips. Some were parallel to others while others intersected.

 

“Jaemin-” Jeno shook his head slowly as his hand roamed to the right side of Jaemin’s back, the scars more abundant and deeper and longer. All held the same amount of pain. 

 

“One for every year I’ve known him. One for every year I’ve loved him. One for every year we dated. And one for every year I spent without him.” 

 

Jaemin quickly pulled his shirt back on, unable to face Jeno. “People started shying away from me the second they found out I self-harmed and was suicidal. They told me they didn’t want to friends with a freak. They didn’t want to be responsible if for my mental health. So for the past couple of years, it’s just been me and NCT. And I’m more than happy they stayed.” Jeno knew Jaemin was crying. Just from the sound of his voice. “Mark-hyung doesn’t like us being close because he thinks you’re going to be like those people who hate me because of what I did. He’s afraid you’ll reject me after knowing what I did.” He turned to look at Jeno, eyes red from tears. “You’re not like them, are you?” 

 

Instantly, Jeno shook his head. He found himself lost in Jaemin’s tear-stained eyes, sparkling with the lights in the room. 

 

“I’m not like them. I know it wasn’t easy to move of from Renjun. I understand why you did the things you did. It doesn’t make you a freak or a liability. It just means you need extra time to heal. And I’m fine with that.” 

 

“Jeno-”

 

The older male wiped a tear. “Don’t cry anymore. Those who hurt you aren’t worth the tears. I’m sorry I yelled at you. The other members are here to love you.  _ I’m  _ here to love you.” 

 

Jaemin wanted to believe those words. He really did. But he believed similar words and they all fell flat. He stepped back, shaking his head slowly. 

 

“No. Don’t say that, Jeno. You don’t want someone like me. You deserve someone better than me; I can’t grant you happiness.” 

 

Jeno frowned. “Why do you think so low of yourself?” 

 

“Because it’s true! I’m messed up! I’ve cut myself, I’ve tried to kill myself, I’m diagnosed with so many mental disorders; you don’t want that! I can’t make you happy!” 

 

If Jeno had to decide one word that described the Jaemin in front of him, he’d choose traumatized. Mark was protective for a reason; Mark didn’t want a repeat of what other guys in the past did to Jaemin. Mark didn’t want Jaemin getting his hopes up if it was all going to end badly. Mark didn’t want Jaemin hurt again. Mark wanted Jaemin happy, but he was scared of a relationship breaking Jaemin. 

 

Jeno reached out a hand to rest on the back of Jaemin’s neck, running his fingers through the dark locks. 

 

“I’m not like those bastards that hurt you in the past. I may not know your story, but I want to know you. I want to genuinely know you, your likes, dislikes, everything. I want to know what hurt you, who hurt you. I want to be there when you have a panic attack to calm you down. I want to be someone you can depend on. I want to be someone you’re not afraid of. I want to be there standing beside you when you get better.” 

 

Jaemin never knew those words from a potential significant other. He never knew of the kind words Jeno spoke. Then, he remembered Jisung’s words to him: 

 

_ “Hyung, one day, you’ll find someone that will listen.”  _

 

Was that someone Jeno? A boy all the older members knew about but never mentioned? The boy that danced with such precision and power, but looked like a cat when he’s not dancing? The boy Jaemin crushed on the second they locked eyes after bumping into each other? 

 

“Give me a chance?” 

 

Jaemin cursed whatever force it was that made him nod. He watched as Jeno’s lips curled up into a grin, stepping closer to the younger boy. 

 

He leaned in slowly, his hand moving to cup Jaemin’s cheek. Then, Jeno kissed him. 

  
-  
  


_ “Na Jaemin wake up!”  _

-

_ Jaemin woke up to bright lights this time. It was easier to breathe, it didn’t mean the pain faded. Maybe it was easier after death. He touched his cheek. Tears? When was he crying? He glanced around the room. Hospital. Shit. He was still alive.  _

 

_ Jaemin grit his teeth, his fist tight around the thin blanket. Why was he still alive? He didn’t want to be alive. He took all of his antidepressants with too much alcohol in a short period of time. He should be dead! Why was he alive and breathing?  _

 

_ He heard the door open and several footsteps approaching the bed.  _

 

_ “Well, well, look who’s awake.”  _

 

_ Jaemin sat up to meet the eyes of his four hyungs, Johnny, Taeyong, Jaehyun, and Ten.  _

 

_ “What am I doing here? And why does my chest hurt?” Jaemin clutched the fabric above his heart, gasping out breaths here and there.  _

 

_ Taeyong didn’t expect the bitter tone of Jaemin’s voice.  _

 

_ “You’re here because you overdosed on drugs. We found you unresponsive in your dorm. Jaehyun revived you which is why you have a couple of broken ribs. They also had to pump out your stomach so you wouldn’t die.” Johnny explained, arms crossed, his voice carrying the same tone as Jaemin’s. “You should be rather grateful you’re alive.”  _

 

_ “I didn’t want to live!” Jaemin snapped. Taeyong flinched at the sudden outburst. “Wasn’t that obvious enough? You shouldn’t have saved me; I wanted to die! I was tired of the guilt eating me alive! I was tired of never being able to see him or touch him ever again! I was tired of living while the one person I loved the most is dead because of me!”  _

 

_ If Ten didn’t grab him, Johnny would’ve smacked Jaemin full force. Taeyong kept a grip on Jaehyun’s arm, knowing his boyfriend was about to snap as well.  _

 

_ “The fucking accident was never your fault to begin with!”  _

 

_ “Yes it was! Renjun’s parents even said it was because of me their son is dead! I killed him! Why is it so hard for you to understand Renjun isn’t here because I was too selfish?”  _

 

_ “And you think suicide is the answer? Do you think Renjun would’ve liked to see you so soon?”  _

 

_ Jaemin bit back tears at Jaehyun’s words. Renjun would’ve hated him forever if his suicide attempt succeeded.  _

 

_ “At least I would be able to see him.”  _

 

_ This time, his voice carried no bitterness, just grief. Just guilt. Just defeat.  _

 

_ The ache in Jaemin’s heart never faded, it grew. He desperately wanted to see Renjun, but he knew Renjun wouldn’t want to see him yet. Not so soon.  _

 

_ Still. The aching pain reminded him of the Chinese boy. And it only grew as time ticked forward.   _

 

_ He collapsed in Taeyong’s arms, crying uncontrollably. “I can’t remember how his hands feel in mine, hyung. I can’t remember how he feels when I hug him. I can’t remember what it feels like to kiss him. I can’t remember what it sounds like when he calls my name. I can’t remember what is sounds like when he tells me he loves me. Hyung, why can’t I remember? I want to remember everything, but-”  _

 

_ Unbeknownst to Jaemin, Taeyong cried, too.  _

 

_ The other members visited throughout the day, Taeyong, Johnny, Jaehyun and Ten never once left the hospital.  _

 

_ Jisung and Chenle rode with Kun, Yuta, Sicheng, and Lucas while Mark, Haechan, Jungwoo, Taeil, and Doyoung rode in a separate car.  _

 

_ Taeil held on to Mark’s hand during the car ride, the younger boy barely getting any sleep last night. Donghyuk sat in the back seat with Doyoung, not having any idea why Jaemin was in the hospital besides Taeyong telling the young boy Jaemin wasn’t feeling well. What an understatement.  _

 

_ Taeil knew Mark had been worried about Jaemin’s mental and physical health, but brushed it off, thinking Jaemin was still adjusting to life without Renjun. Taeil should’ve known better. As the oldest, he should’ve known better.  _

 

_ They took the elevator up to the proper floor after receiving Jaemin’s room number, Doyoung contacting Taeyong that they were on their way up.  _

 

_ Taeil never let Mark’s hand go.  _

 

_ Kun knocked on the door, entering as soon as they heard Johnny’s voice to come in.  _

 

_ The room was dimly lit, Ten and Johnny sitting on the couch while Taeyong and Jaehyun sat besides Jaemin’s bed, the young male sleeping _

 

_ Taeil never failed to noticed the older man standing in the corner of the room. He silently pointed over to the man in the suit.  _

 

_ “Jaemin’s under suicide watch for the next seventy-two hours.” Jaehyun answered.  _

 

_ “Suicide watch?” Hyuck’s voice came out louder than he would’ve liked.  _

 

_ Johnny nodded, patting on the space next to him for the others to sit. Lucas took the invitation.  _

 

_ “Yeah, suicide watch.”  _

 

_ Chenle and Jisung’s gaze shifted over to Jaemin’s sleeping body. “Jaemin-hyung… tried to kill himself?”  _

 

_ Kun held on to Chenle, fearing the younger boy might faint from the truth.  _

 

_ Johnny nodded again. “He’s okay physically, but he’s falling apart mentally.”  _

 

_ “What happened? What’d the doctors say?” Doyoung walked over to Taeyong, watching Jaemin sleep.  _

 

_ “He took enough antidepressants and alcohol to kill him immediately. Lucky for him, he survived. They had to pump the drugs out of his stomach. They also changed his antidepressant dose and now he has to have someone go with him to the pharmacy to get a refill. He also has to go to therapy three times a week once he’s released.” Jaehyun informed, running his hands through his hair.  _

 

_ “Not only that, the doctors found over twenty cuts from a razor blade all over his back.”  _

 

_ Taeil and Kun mouths gaped open at Ten after he spoke.  _

 

_ “Which is why we never expected anything. He hid all of it so well.”  _

 

_ “Has he woken up?” Kun asked.  _

 

_ “Once. When we got here. He wasn’t very happy to be awake, but what can he do.”  _

 

_ Silence fell before them; the younger ones still in shock that Jaemin, the happy always smiling hyung tried to take his own life. While Kun, Doyoung, and Taeil tried to figure out where Jaemin started to change.  _

 

_ “It was gradual.” Mark finally spoke out. “There wasn’t a time when all of a sudden, Jaemin became different. It was a slow shift and that’s why no one expected this to happen. I started noticing it weeks ago. But yesterday morning, I should’ve done something. He wasn’t himself. I should’ve…”  _

 

_ Jaehyun walked over to where Mark stood, leading the younger boy to the empty chair beside Jaemin’s bed. He sat Mark down, rubbing his shoulders.  _

 

_ “It’s not your fault. We all should’ve done something.”  _

 

_ The room fell silent as the members watched Jaemin sleep, the heart monitor beeping the only constant sound in the room.   
_

_ - _

Jeno took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He still hadn't recovered from the kiss earlier that day. He clumsily dialed Doyoung’s number. It rang twice before he heard Doyoung’s gentle voice. 

 

“Hello?” 

 

“Hyung! I have a problem!” 

 

Doyoung, currently with Taeyong, Jaehyun, Taeil, and Mark, put the phone on speaker, unbeknownst to Jeno. 

 

“What is it?” 

 

“I kissed Jaemin!” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One done more to go! Anything in particular you want to see in the next few chapters? 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	11. The First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All I wanted was for someone to love me the way Renjun did, even if it costed me my physical and mental well-being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is like a month late... Sorry. To be honest, I didn't know how to approach this chapter so I just kind of let it write itself. If it's not good, oops. Also, I had so many medical tests to study for I just could not. So I hope you enjoy this! 
> 
> *mentions of physical abuse*

It took a whole Johnny and Yuta to hold Mark back from killing Jeno the second they stepped into the younger member’s dorm room. Jeno backed into a corner, Doyoung shielding him from a raging Mark. 

 

“Mark, calm down! Jeno didn’t do anything wrong!” Johnny exclaimed as his long arms wrapped around Mark’s chest. 

 

He eventually settled, eyes still glaring at Jeno. “First off, I’d like to know your reason as to why you decided to kiss Jaemin when he’s still vulnerable?” 

 

Doyoung stepped aside, facing the dark haired boy. “Yeah, what spun you into thinking you can just kiss Jaemin like that?” 

 

Jeno let out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know. He was talking about how he wasn’t worth a good relationship and how he thinks I’m going to be like all the other guys he’s dated in the past… and it was either that or I slap him.” 

 

Doyoung patted his shoulder. “Well either one is a bad choice.” 

 

“So, what happened after you kissed him?” Yuta asked, slowly letting Mark’s leg go. 

 

Jeno scratched the back of his head. “I… uh… may have panicked… And left.” 

 

Johnny ran a hand over his face. “You ran away? You actually left Jaemin by himself after you…” 

 

“What the actual fuck?” Yuta muttered. 

 

“You’re lucky we sent Taeyong and Jaehyun over there to make sure Jaemin hasn’t mentally shut down.”   
  
- 

Taeyong and Jaehyun expected to see Jaemin in a state of panic or lying down and staring into space. They didn’t expect the younger male being productive. 

 

“Hi, hyung. What brings you guys here?” Jaemin asked as Taeyong and Jaehyun burst through the door and into his room. 

 

Taeyong glanced around worriedly, looking for signs of anything bad that could’ve happened. “Well… We uh… we heard you and Jeno had a rather intimate moment… And uh, we came to see if you were okay?” 

 

Jaemin raise an eyebrow. “Intimate moment?” 

 

“He called Doyoung not too long ago panicking that he kissed you.” Jaehyun explained. 

 

A small smirk graced Jaemin’s lips. “Ah… Okay.” 

 

“Jaemin-”

 

“I’m fine, hyung, really.” 

 

Taeyong wasn’t so sure. He sat on the bed, facing the younger male who sat on the chair. “You want to talk about it?” 

 

Jaemin stared at the floor for a while before flinging himself into Taeyong’s arms. “Hyung! I haven’t been this happy in forever! Jeno is so sweet and kind and no fun but that’s okay because he is so-”

 

“Okay, I get it.” Jaehyun interrupted, seating himself on Jaemin’s bed. 

 

Jaemin flashed him a look. “Don’t tell me you weren’t like this when you and Taeyong-hyung started dating.” 

 

Jaemin met Taeyong and Jaehyun three years into their relationship. He knew behind closed doors, his hyungs were rather feisty despite Taeyong’s shy facade in public. Hell, he nearly walked into them having sex in Chenle’s cabin one year. Thank god he heard Taeyong moan out Jaehyun’s name before he knocked. Though, the longer Jaemin hung around them, the more he realized how much sexual tension rose between them.  

 

Jaehyun rolled his eyes as Taeyong broke out in laughter. 

 

Taeyong focused his attention to his dongsaeng, fixing Jaemin’s dark brown hair. “I’m glad you’re happy. So! Are you guys dating?” 

 

Jaemin shrugged, his arms still around Taeyong. “I don’t know. I mean we’ve been on dates, we’ve kissed, slept in the same bed, shared clothes, told secrets-”

 

“So yes?” Jaehyun said nonchalantly. 

 

“I guess?” An excited expression appeared on Jaemin’s face. “Oh my god, hyung! He might want to date me!” 

 

Jaehyun just about hit Jaemin in the face. “Gee, Jaemin, I don’t know. Why don’t we ask Jeno himself?” 

 

Jaehyun pulled out his phone and dialed Doyoung’s number. “Hey. Yeah, he’s fine. We’re all fine. I just need you to bring Jeno over to clarify a few things.” 

  
  


Taeyong, Jaehyun, Johnny, Yuta, Doyoung, Mark and Jeno all gathered around Jaemin in the dorm. 

 

“So,” Doyoung started “are you two dating or not? Because I can’t stand watching the two of you “hang out” like you do and still call yourselves friends. The attraction is there and you two are tiptoeing around it!” 

 

Jeno caught Mark’s glare at him. Then, he met Jaemin’s shining, hopeful, beautiful, dazzling eyes. Jaemin walked forward, wrapping his arms around Jeno’s neck. 

 

“Sure, hyung. Jeno and I are dating.” 

 

Mark’s eyes widened as Johnny and Taeyong cheered, Doyoung and Yuta and Jaehyun letting out a small breath of relief. 

 

“Finally, god it only took forever.” Jaehyun commented. 

 

“Now, get out.” 

 

The hyungs frowned at Jaemin. 

 

“What?” 

 

“You heard me. Out of my dorm. Go. Shoo.” Jaemin ushered the older members out the room, locking the door after Mark. 

 

Jeno asked as he placed his hands on Jaemin’s waist, “Why’d you make them leave?” 

 

“So I can do this.” 

 

He closed his eyes and leaned forward, kissing Jeno.  
  
-

For the next week, the rest of NCT wanted to wrap Jeno in a blanket and pamper him to death. Jaemin was happy. Actually happy; even though their PDA made the hyungs and Chenle and Jisung nearly throw up every time. 

After their afternoon class, Jeno spent time with Jaemin in the latter’s dorm room. Oddly enough, Jeno spent more time in Jaemin’s dorm than his own. He even had a few articles of clothing for the nights he’d spent with Jaemin. 

The two lay in bed, Jaemin’s head on Jeno’s chest, scrolling through social media in content silence. 

“Hey, Jaemin?” 

“Mmm?” 

“I forgot to ask, but is Mark-hyung okay with us dating?” 

Jaemin chuckled, opening another social media app. “You noticed how he looks at us?” 

“Who wouldn’t notice? Also, the others kind of told me how he was protective of you. They really didn’t go into detail and I’m afraid if I ask Mark-hyung, he might stab me or something.” 

A chuckle nearly escaped Jaemin’s lips. “It doesn’t matter now. I have you. That’s all there is to it.” 

“Jae-”

“Don’t worry about, it. They don’t matter to me anymore.” 

Jeno softly played with Jaemin’s hair, running his fingers through the strands. “They mattered to you one point in your life.” 

Jaemin’s fingers stopping moving. Jeno could tell the younger male was in thought, trying to figure out how to word his response. 

“They did. But, I guess… in the end, all I wanted was for someone to love me the way Renjun did, even if it costed me my physical and mental well-being.” 

Jeno pressed a kiss on Jaemin’s head. “You deserved better.” 

Jaemin shifted, his face buried in Jeno’s chest. “Maybe I didn’t.”  
  
-  


_ It’s been the third time Mark saw a bruise on Jaemin’s face. He saw through all the the makeup unlike the other members. Mark confronted Jaemin about it, but the younger merely brushed it off, saying how he fell or he hit a pole or anything.  _

_ Lies. There were all lies.  _

_ Yoojin stood over Jaemin’s body, curled up on the floor and crying. He knelt besides Jaemin, pulling away his arms from the tear stained face.  _

_ “Jaemin? Hey, I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean to. You just never listen to me.”  _

_ He refused to fight back. He let Yoojin pull him up on his feet, let Yoojin wipe away the tears, and let Yoojin speak sweet lies he foolishly believed.  _

_ “I’m sorry. I promise I won’t do it again as long as you’re being good.” He let Yoojin his kiss lips. “I love you.”  _

_ He couldn’t say it back.  _

_ “I love you, Jaemin.”  _

_ He wanted to respond _

_ “I said, I fucking love you, Jaemin.”  _

_ Nothing.  _

_ Jaemin felt a hard hit on the side of his face, causing him to fall again. He felt a rough kick to his ribcage and a stomp on the side of his head.  _   
  


_ Now, he stood in front of Mark who questioned him about the bruises. Trying so hard to convince his hyung that his new boyfriend wasn’t abusive.  _

_ “You don’t get those kind of bruises from a fall, Jaemin.”  _

_ Jaemin shrugged. “Guess I’m different.”  _

_ Before he walked away, Mark grabbed his wrist, a wince escaping his mouth. Mark pushed up his sleeve, revealing more bruise the size of the bottom of a water bottle.  _

_ “You don’t get these kind of bruises from a fall, Jaemin.”  _

_ Jaemin pulled away, grasping his wrist close to his chest. “I’m fine, hyung. I’ll see you later.”  _

_ In class, Jaemin’s thoughts wandered away. They wandered to the times Yoojin pushed him against a wall, a tight grip around his throat, yelling and cursing at him. The times Yoojin forcefully kissed Jaemin while restraining the younger’s wrist next to his head. The times Yoojin held him so gently as if Jaemin was to break soon. The times Yoojin brought him food before practice or after a long day of classes. The times Yoojin’s fist made contact with his face.  _

_ He failed to tell Yoojin practice ended late. Jaemin found him sitting outside his dorm room.  _

_ “You didn’t text me, Jaemin.”  _

_ Jaemin dug around his bag searching for his key card. “Sorry. Taeyong-hyung ran practice later than usual. I didn’t have time to text you.”  _

_ Before Jaemin could swipe his card, he found himself against a tree bark, unable to breathe properly. A slap to his face brought him back from his daze.  _

_ “Or maybe it’s because you’ve been going around and fucking other guys, is that it?”  _

_ “No.” Jaemin felt his heart beat faster and faster. He anticipated another punch, a kick, anything.  _

_ Instead, he watched as some force knocked Yoojin to the side, releasing Jaemin’s throat.  _

_ “You fucking bastard!”  _

_ Jaemin’s eyes widened as Mark stood over Yoojin’s body. Mark wasn’t necessarily the strongest out of all the members, but he held his own. Mark pulled Yoojin up on his feet by the shirt, shoving the male against another tree.  _

_ “Don’t you fucking touch him like that again! You better be glad I didn’t call the cops on you this time, you asshole! Now beat it before I blind you!”  _

_ Mark nearly threw Yoojin across the lot, watching as the male scurried off.  _

_ Jaemin slid down the bark, feeling the grass on the palms of his hands. Mark knelt down in front of him and draped a jacket over Jaemin’s shoulders.  _

_ “Can you get up for me?”  _

_ Usually, Mark pulled away from people attempting to hug him. This time, he reciprocated Jaemin’s embrace.  _

_ “It’s okay, I’m here. He’s not going to hurt you, anymore. I promise.” Mark rubbed the younger’s back, keeping his voice as soft and calm as possible.  _

_ He heard a small sob escape Jaemin’s lips. “Hyung, thank you.”  _

_ Mark just continued to rub his back.  _

  
-  
  


Jeno felt Jaemin relax after a few minutes of running his hands through the dark brown strands. He reminded Jeno of a puppy. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, kissing the edge of Jaemin’s ear. “After all that, you’re still not afraid to love again?” 

“I’m more terrified of cars than relationships, to be honest.” Jaemin half joked. He traced Jeno’s chest mindlessly as he continued. “For a while, I feared he’d come after me or Mark-hyung and kill us. But, Mark-hyung convinced me to turn him in to the school officials and they suspended him immediately.” 

“Why’d you stay with him for that long?” 

He thought about it. Why did Jaemin stay in such a physically abusive relationship for that long amount of time? He wondered for a while. 

“I don’t know, Jeno. Maybe deep down, even if I knew it was wrong, I thought actually, truly loved me. It’s weird, but he wasn’t all bad. In the beginning, he was really sweet. He’d compliment me, walk me to class, pick me up, buy me food for practice, he was there when I needed someone to talk to. And maybe that’s why I stayed. I saw the good in him and I figured maybe it was my fault; he was beating me because I had done something wrong. After investing in a relationship, love blinds you, it makes you think that the bad stuff happening now will be worth it when the nightmare ends. But the nightmare never stopped. And all I was left with-”

Jaemin felt Jeno’s warm lips on his forehead. A simple kiss filled with warmth and love. A kiss the complete opposite of Yoojin’s. 

“Jeno?” 

“All you’re left with was hoping someone better would come along. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I’m sorry someone thought they could abuse you when you just wanted to love and be loved in return. I promise to try my best to make you feel the love you give others.” 

Jaemin didn’t want to cry. He associated crying with missing Renjun, his dark past, and his hopeless dreaming. But not with happiness. Never happiness. He never cried of happiness since the accident. 

Now, he let them fall as he hugged Jeno tighter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I'll be adding more nomin moments in the future chapters and the angst isn't even finished yet! (The calm before the storm)


	12. The Second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other targeted Jaemin emotionally. The bastard even decided to make fun of Jaemin’s mental illness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is over a month late because of 1).finals 2). holiday prep 3). not knowing what to write. 
> 
> I hope it's good enough!

Jeno didn’t know when he started to love Jaemin. Maybe it was when Jaemin made Jeno his special fried eggs with soybean sauce for the first time. Or maybe it was when Jaemin picked him up after class; the latter’s lecture having been cancelled. Or maybe it was when he cuddled against Jaemin after a long day and Jaemin just played with his hair, letting Jeno vent all his anger out. 

 

Jeno also didn’t know when he became extremely protective of Jaemin. 

 

After he dropped Jaemin off at his English class, a girl Jeno recognized from his global studies approached him. 

 

“Jeno-yah!” 

 

Jeno stopped, not really wanting to talk to her. “Hello.” 

 

She fiddled with her fingers while glancing up at Jeno’s gentle gaze. “I… Uh… I wanted to know if you wanted to go out and see a movie with me tomorrow.” 

 

All too easy. “I’m sorry, I can’t. Jaemin and I already have plans for tomorrow.” 

 

The girl’s eyes widened. “Jaemin? You’re friends with Na Jaemin?” 

 

“Yeah, he’s my boyfriend and I have a date with him tomorrow. It’s rude to cancel a plan you already have with a significant other just to go on a date with someone else, don’t you think?” 

 

Jeno watched as the girl’s hands started to shake. “Oh… Oh yes. Just… just be careful around him. He’s not the best person to date. He got Yoojin suspended for yelling at him.” 

 

His eyes narrowed into a deathly glare. Did this girl even know what she was talking about? “Do you personally know Jaemin or do you just know him from what other students have told you?” 

 

The question took her back. “I… uh…”

 

“Let me tell you this. You can inform your other friends later. But Jaemin is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. You don’t know what he’s been through and you have no right to judge him just by looking at him the way others do. I don’t care if you think all his problems, mentally or emotionally, are high maintenance. That bastard he dated did more to him than just yell. You can talk to Mark Lee about it, but I suggest you don’t unless you want more people against you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be late to class.” 

-

Jeno walked in the practice studio still pissed off. He threw his backpack against the wall rather harshly, causing the older members to give him peculiar looks. 

 

“Uh oh, who pissed off our Jeno?” Doyoung asked, walking over to give his favorite dongsaeng a hug. 

 

“Does everyone in this school think Jaemin’s a freak or what? I swear everyone has something against him and I hate it because he’s the complete opposite of what they think!” 

 

Taeyong sighed, watching Doyoung sway side to side with Jeno still in his arms. “It was worse, but yes, most everybody here think Jaemin’s some spawn of the devil.”

 

“That’s stupid! Jaemin’s the sweetest human being I’ve met!” 

 

“Well, some people don’t always agree.” 

 

Jeno spun around after hearing the door to the practice room open. He met Jaemin’s questioning eyes. 

 

“You okay?” Jaemin asked, cautiously nearing Jeno’s angry self. He didn’t return Jaemin’s hug, causing the younger boy to slightly panic. “Jeno?” 

 

Those eyes, the eyes that Jeno slowly began to fall in love with. The eyes that cried rivers of tears, the eyes that Jeno promise he would never allow to cry in sadness or in pain again. A wash of relief overcame Jaemin as he felt Jeno embrace him. 

 

“How was your day today?” 

 

Jeno just rolled his eyes. “Fine. I can’t wait for our date tomorrow.” 

 

A bright grin graced Jaemin’s face. “Me too! 

 

Jeno frowned as a sudden force ripped Jaemin out of his hold. “Keep the PDA to yourself, children.” 

 

Mark. 

 

Jaemin grabbed Mark by the waist, attempting to kiss the older member playfully. “Jealous, hyung?” 

 

“Na Jaemin, keep your hands and lips off of things that aren’t yours!” Haechan yelled from across the practice room, making the older members laugh.

 

Jaemin just continued to playfully try and kiss Mark. Mark remembered how Renjun would sometimes do the same after practice, making a sad grin appear on his face.  
  


-  
  


_ Despite Mark and the other hyung’s warning, Jaemin dated again. His name was Haeil, a student the same age as Jungwoo. A student who bore similar looks to Renjun, small face, dimpled smile, silky dark hair. He shared a couple of classes with Jaemin and was good friends with Jungwoo. Considering Jungwoo and Jaemin were close and that Jungwoo said Haeil was a nice friend, Jaemin agreed to go out with him after the older boy asked him out on a date.  _

 

_ Now, Jaemin laid in Haeil’s bed, cuddling in the mid winter. Haeil pressed kisses along Jaemin’s neck and cheeks, gently holding him in place.  _

 

_ “Jaemin, you’re so pretty.” He sweetly whispered.  _

 

_ Jaemin blushed as he titled his head, feeling Haeil’s sweet lips on his neck as he listened to the older’s words.  _

 

_ “H-Haeil, are… are you sure you’re okay with me?” Jaemin tried to ignore his physical needs, but his hormones begged to differ.  _

 

_ “Of course, Jae. Depression is just all in your head. And your trauma, you only need several rounds of exposure therapy. You’re fine.” Jaemin believed those words no matter how many times he thought it wrong. “Oh, by the way, Saturday we’re going to a party, okay?”  _

 

_ “Party?” Jaemin never partied. He found hanging out with his friends a better way to spend his time rather than partying.  _

 

_ “Yeah, it’ll be fun, don’t worry. I’ll take care of you.”  _

  
-  
  


_ It was no surprise Mark and Taeyong were against the party from the start. He told his hyungs if they don’t get a text from Jaemin every hour, find him without hesitation. Taeyong and Mark were more than happy to comply.  _

 

_ Jaemin stared at the sleek black Maserati pulling up to the curb and parking in front of him. Haeil rolled down the window to the passenger side. _

 

_ “Ready?”  _

 

_ Jaemin’s breath stopped for a second. Breathe… Breathe…  _

 

_ “Can we take some other form of transportation?”  _

 

_ Haeil’s brows furrowed at Jaemin’s suggestion. “Jaemin, if you don’t face your fears now, you’ll never get over them. Get in.”  _

 

_ The car horn, the lights, the sound of breaking glass all played like a symphony in Jaemin’s mind as he reached out for the door handle. Swiftly, he opened the door, sat down, shut the door and shakily strapped on his seatbelt.  _

 

_ He felt warm tears down his cheeks as he tried to steady his breath.  _

 

_ “That’s it. See, it wasn’t so bad.” Haeil’s cold and rough hands wiped away the tears as he put the car in drive and sped off.  _

 

_ Jaemin gripped the side of the seat, concentrating on the blasting music and the vibrations of the bass to distract him from the engine sounds. It felt like the car moved for eternity until Haeil parked and hit the curb.  _

 

_ Jaemin immediately jumped out, catching his breath and letting the tears fall as visions of the accident clouded his mind. He trembled as he lowered himself to the ground.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” The lights. “I’m sorry.” The horn. “It’s my fault.” The breaking of glass. “-jun…”  _

 

_ Suddenly, strong hands grip his shoulders that lead him back up on his feet. Hee looked up to see Haeil staring down at him.  _

 

_ “You’re fine. We’re here and you’re safe.”  _

 

_ “H-Haeil-” _

 

_ “Sh. Come on. Lets go. I’ll make you a drink.”  _

 

_ Jaemin wished he’d said no. He wished he said he had practice with the members. Because the second he finished his first cup of alcohol, Haeil replaced it with a new stronger drink. Jaemin’s vision blurred and the room felt like it started tilting.  _

 

_ This wasn’t good.  _

  
-  
  


_ Mark checked his phone every fifteen minutes during practice. Not a single text from Jaemin. He began fidgeting and started scrolling through social media, hoping to find the party Jaemin was currently attending.  _

 

_ He found Haeil with other guys and a girl and a video of Haeil grinding on an older guy with no Jaemin in sight. Mark nearly lost it. Of course Jaemin would be too stubborn to listen to him or Taeyong.  _

 

_ “Hey, hyung, it’s been about an hour, can we go pick up Jaemin now?”  _

 

_ Johnny and jaehyun glanced over to where Mark and Taeyong talked.  _

 

_ “What’s happening?” Johnny asked, nearing the two other male.  _

 

_ Mark began typing on his phone. “Jaemin told us to pick him up if he doesn’t text back in an hour. Plus, he’s not with Haeil, so I doubt Jaemin’s fine by himself.”  _

 

_ To Johnny, Jaehyun, and Taeyong, Mark looked rather calm, but on the inside, Mark already planned how he was going to murder Haeil.  _

  
-  
  


_ Jaemin got caught. Caught in between a wall and a taller, stronger senior male that smelled so strongly of alcohol and weed.  _

 

_ “What’s the infamous Na Jaemin doing here by himself, mm? Ready to get someone else expelled?”  _

 

_ Jaemin shook his head slowly. “I’m here with Haeil.” Damn his soft slurred speech.  _

 

_ The other male scoffed. “Haeil’s not a good boyfriend then. Why don’t I take you upstairs and we can have a grand time together. What do you say?” _

 

_ He didn’t even give Jaemin a chance to answer. All Jaemin remembered was climbing the stairs and being shoved down on the bed before hearing the door lock.  _

  
-  
  


_ Mark slammed the car door, hastily running inside the house and shoving through the crowd of people, looking for that one specific face. He found Haeil dancing with a group of guys and girls, drinking the night away.  _

 

_ The younger boy broke up the circle and shoved Haeil against the wall. The latter’s eyes widening at the sight of Mark.  _

 

_ “Where is he?” Mark growled.  _

 

_ “What are you talking about?” Haeil shifted, making Mark push him against the wall harder.  _

 

_ “Where’s Jaemin, you bastard?”  _

 

_ “I-I don’t know-”  _

 

_ Before he finished, Mark sent a fist on Haeil’s face.  _

 

_ By now, plenty of people stopped dancing to watch the fight about to break out. Haeil composed himself, wiping the side of his mouth before launching a revenge punch on Mark’s cheek.  _

 

_ Mark stumbled back, falling hard on the ground. Haeil about attacked again if it weren’t for Taeyong intervening. It didn’t stop Haeil from wanting to continue the fight.  _

 

_ “I guess I’ll just have to mess up your pretty looks, huh, Taeyong?” Taeyong shut his eyes and braced for the impact.  _

 

_ “Lay a hand on him and I’ll break you.” Taeyong slowly opened his eyes to see Jaehyun stopping Haeil’s fist, eyes dangerously dark.  _

 

_ Jaehyun shoved the other male’s hand away. “Your relationship with Jaemin is over.”  _

 

_ Haeil scoffed loudly. “Whatever. Saves me the trouble of breaking up with that depressed, suicidal freak.”  _

 

_ Mark would’ve pounded Haeil to death if Jaehyun hadn’t thrown a punch that knocked the bastard out.  _

 

_ “Johnny’s looking for Jaemin, go help him.” Jaehyun calmly stated, narrowing his eyes at Haeil’s friends as a warning.  _

  
-  
  


Mark watched as Jeno pulled Jaemin down to the floor in a hug. He felt his lips twitch into a small grin; it had been a while since Jaemin smiled that widely. 

 

After practice, Mark pulled Jeno aside. “Let’s go for a walk.” 

 

Jeno didn’t want to admit he was a bit terrified of Mark. The older male lead him outside to the quad, several students filling the green spaces. Thank god there were others to witness his murder.

 

“So, uh… was there something you wanted to talk about, hyung?” 

 

Mark stopped in front of the architecture hall. “Look, I’m just going to be frank with you. I’m rather protective of Jaemin.” 

 

Jeno bit back a sarcastic tone. “I noticed. Care to tell me why? Or is it because you want to date Jaemin, too?” 

 

Mark just raised his eyebrows. “I doubt Donghyuck would appreciate that.” He held out two fingers. “He’s dated two other people after Renjun. And both times were not pretty. One was abusive mentally and physically. I’ve witnessed the physical part. And the other targeted Jaemin emotionally. The bastard even decided to make fun of Jaemin’s mental illness. I know you’re a good guy because Doyoung-hyung likes you and the other hyungs have known you for a while. But I’m just giving you a warning because I don’t want Jaemin hurt again. Nor do I want him to waste his time dating someone who doesn’t want him. Do you understand?” Jeno nodded. “Good. I’m glad we reached an understanding.” Mark patted his shoulder before walking off towrads the library. 

 

“What was that about?” 

 

Jeno spun around to see Jaemin slinging his backpack over his shoulder. He reached out to wrap an arm around Jaemin’s shoulders, pressing his lips on Jaemin’s temple. 

 

“Nothing. Mark-hyung was just making sure I’m being a good boyfriend to you.” 

 

Jaemin flashed a grin and kissed Jeno’s cheek. “Well you can tell him he doesn’t have to worry.”

 

China line left the studio, walking out in the crisp autumn air together. Sicheng heard Lucas’s loud obnoxious laugh before suddenly halting at the sight in front of him, causing Chenle to bump into him. 

 

“Ge? What’s wrong?” 

 

Sicheng’s eyes remained glued to the man standing a few feet away. 

 

“Huang Xiansheng?” 

 

The man China line knew as Renjun’s father turned to find the source of the voice that called out his name. The man’s eyes brightened at the sight of the Chinese members. 

 

“Ah! Sicheng, Kun, Xuxi, Chenle. How long has it been since the last time we’ve seen? It’s good to see all of you are doing well.” 

 

Sicheng and Kun cautiously approached the man with Xuxi and Chenle behind them.” 

 

“It’s good to see you as well, sir. What are you doing here?” Kun asked politely. 

 

The man grinned. “I am currently the new Mandarin professor starting next week.” He paused before continuing, “Say, care to tell me who that boy Jaemin has wrapped around his finger?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


	13. Memories in Polaroids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Polaroids Jaemin held so close to his heart. Polaroids that kept Renjun alive in Jaemin, even if the pictures were supposed to be in China along with Renjun’s other personal belongings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh... this is very late... 
> 
> I started med school about a month ago and boy oh boy has it been fun. And it's only been four weeks so please hang in there with me! 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Taeyong-hyung! We have a problem!” Xuxi’s voice echoed loudly in the library, causing the librarian to scold him from the front desk. 

 

Kun gripped Xuxi’s arm to calm him down as they neared the other members. 

 

“What’s going on now?” Taeyong asked, slightly annoyed at Xuxi’s obnoxious ways in the library meant for studying and peacefulness. 

 

Kun and Sicheng tried to restrain their worried faces. “Renjun’s father is here.” Sicheng answered, eyeing Taeyong and Jaehyun for some sort of reaction. 

 

“What do you mean by here? You mean like here as in here here or-”

 

“As in he’s a professor here, hyung!” Chenle exclaimed. “He even saw Jeno-hyung and Jaemin-hyung together after practice! If he finds out Jaemin-hyung is dating again, who knows what’s going to happen!” 

 

Chenle felt arms encase his waist as he finished talking. 

 

The other members exchanged confused and worried glances. 

 

“Okay, first of all, why is he here? I thought since after Renjun’s service, they permanently returned to China? And second, if he even dares to ruin Jaemin’s happiness, it’s going down. Do you know how long it took for him to at least smile without forcing it?” Johnny expressed, knowing quite well all the turmoil Jaemin endured after the Renjun’s father supposedly guilt-tripped Jaemin in the hospital. 

 

“I don’t know why he chose this university to teach. And yeah, we told him Jeno and Jaemin were best friends since freshman year of college and were really close. But that’s about it. I don’t think he bought it.” Kun pulled out a chair and sat next to Taeil, taking out his textbooks. 

 

“Well, the best we can do now is to make sure he never sees Jaemin again.” 

-

Most days after practice, Jeno and Jaemin hung out in Jaemin’s dorm for a couple of hours before meeting with other members. Jaemin laid on his bed, relaxing his body after the torturous practice Taeyong put them through. 

 

Suddenly, he felt a weight on top of him. 

 

“Jaemin-ah!” Jeno. “Lets get food! I’m hungry.” 

 

Jaemin groaned, wrapping his arms around Jeno’s waist. “But the dining hall is a couple of floors below.” 

 

Jeno shook his head stubbornly. “No. I like the way you cook better.” He nuzzled his nose deeper into Jaemin’s neck. “Please Jae?” 

 

Jaemin groaned louder, surrendering to his boyfriend’s request. “Fine. But you owe me later.” 

 

A sly grin spread across Jeno’s lips. “Kisses?” 

 

“Mhm.” Jaemin kissed Jeno before throwing off the blanket and collecting his room keys. “Come on, you big baby.” 

 

 __  
-  
  


_ The following days after the party, rumors about Jaemin spread like wildfires. Rumors like how he let some senior fuck him senseless even though he was in a relationship. Rumors like how he cheated several times on Haeil. Rumors like how he had all of NCT wrapped around his sleazy little fingers.  _

 

_ Mark wanted to fight every single one of those that believed in the rumors. They didn’t know Jaemin.  _

 

_ And just when things couldn’t get worse, they did.  _

 

_ Every semester NCT put on a dance show for the university and nearly every semester, more and more people attend to watch seventeen boys dance on stage for two hours. Besides dancing, some members sang as well in between sets.  _

 

_ Renjun used to sing. Along with Taeil, Doyoung, Kun, Jaehyun, Haechan, and Chenle. Sometimes, Jungwoo would join them.  _

 

_ After the accident, NCT took a break from performing to heal themselves. Mostly to watch over Jaemin as he recovered.  _

 

_ Now, nearly a year and a half after the accident, the Jaemin would stand on the stage with his members to dance again.  _

 

_ Or so he thought.  _

 

_ It just wasn’t cars that terrified Jaemin. Lights did, too. The fluorescent lights in the practice room, the light from the projector, even the shine of a flashlight in the dark made his skin crawl.  _

 

_ Thankfully, Taeyong opted for a softer lighting during the dances Jaemin participated in. But still, even, the dim stage lights made his heart beat too fast for his liking.  _

 

_ Jaemin didn’t know why he couldn’t relax. It wasn’t his first time performing, but a premonition hit him harder than he’d like. He started to calm down halfway through their show after no accidents happening.  _

 

_ Then, he stepped on stage with Jisung and Jaehyun. It was a new combination that worked rather well, much to Ten and Taeyong’s surprise. Towards the end of the choreography, Ten decided to put in a spin. As Jaemin whipped his head to finish his turn, his pupils constricted, meeting the blinding stage lights.  _

 

_ His throat closed up as he stood motionless on stage. Jaehyun and Jisung continued the dance even with the distraction, but Jaemin refused to move. Jaehyun eyed the still boy standing downstage as he heard murmurs from the crowd.  _

 

_ The music failed to reach his consciousness. He felt the cold glass underneath his fingers, the warmth of his blood that trailed down his face, he saw Renjun’s face. Renjun’s closed eyes, cold and bloody skin. He heard the shattering of glass, the car horn. He saw the lights.  _

 

_ Jaemin dropped to his knees, eyes wide open. Jaehyun and Jisung stopped dancing a while ago, fearing to near their member. Taeyong managed to get the light to shut off again. But Jaemin still remained catatonic.  _

 

_ Jaehyun walked towards the younger male. “Jaemin?” He put a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder, slightly shaking him.  _

 

_ Nothing.  _

 

_ It was only then Jaehyun noticed the tears on Jaemin’s face, the terrified and heartbroken look on his face.  _

 

_ “My fault…” It came out as a murmur.  _

 

_ “What was that?”  _

 

_ “My fault… It’s my fault… It’s my fault…”  _

 

_ Jaehyun shot a glance at Taeyong, motioning for him to close the curtain. Before Taeyong could completely get the curtains to fully close, a shriek erupted from downstage.  _

 

_ Jaemin cried out again, pressing his palms against his ears as he fell on his side, curling up into a ball.  _

 

_ Taeyong shut the curtains as Jaehyun and Doyoung tried to get a hold of the crying boy.  _

 

_ “Jaemin! Hey, Jaemin! What’s wrong?” Jaehyun shook his shoulders, Jaemin only curling into a tighter ball.  _

 

_ “I’m sorry. I’m sorry! Please… Injun… don’t leave…” _

_ - _

 

_ A week passed after Jaemin’s panic attack and more rumors spread like a disease. Jaemin turned away visitors after being confined to a mental hospital. He even turned away his own parents. Jaemin didn’t want to see anyone.  _

 

_ They diagnosed him with anxiety, depression, and post traumatic stress disorder. He deemed himself broken for any body’s use. Yes, even his parents’.  _

 

_ Jaemin laid on his bed like usual, finishing a glass of water from his breakfast tray. The food remained untouched. Jaemin felt full even if he hadn’t eaten in twenty-four hours.  _

 

_ After a few minutes, he heard the door knob rattling. Probably a new nurse who didn’t realize it was pull not push. The door suddenly opened with a heavy thud afterwards.  _

 

_ Jaemin sat up, watching as Jisung got off the ground and Chenle trying to contain his laugh. Both boys wore scrubs and a face mask, concealing most of their identity.  _

 

_ “What are you two doing here? Do you know how much trouble you could get in?” Jaemin scolded.  _

 

_ Jisung brushed off his scrub pants and walked in. Chenle locked the door behind him.  _

 

_ “Whatever, hyung. We missed you too much. The other members are worried about you, you know?” Jisung said as he stripped off the scrubs, revealing his normal street clothes.  _

 

_ A smile threatened to break out on Jaemin’s lips. “It’s only been a week.”  _

 

_ “A week too long if you ask me.” Chenle chimed in.  _

 

_ Jisung and Chenle made themselves comfortable in Jaemin’s room, Jisung squishing himself besides Jaemin and Chenle on the couch across from the bed.  _

 

_ Jaemin wrapped an arm around Jisung, pulling the younger boy closer to him.  _

 

_ “You really scared us, hyung.” Jisung whispered.  _

 

_ “Yeah, please don’t ever do that again. Jisung thought you were dying on stage or something. He cried after you got admitted.”  _

 

_ “Chenle!”  _

 

_ A small chuckle flew passed Jaemin’s lips. Oh how nice it was to hear Na Jaemin laugh again.   _

 

_ “How much longer are you in here?”  _

 

_ “I don’t know Lele, when they deem me mentally stable enough to live by myself again, I guess. How’s the outside world?”  _

 

_ “Same as always. Missing our Na Jaemin-hyung.”  _

 

_ Jisung made a face at Chenle. “What a sap.”  _

  
-  
  


Jaemin dropped Jeno off at his afternoon class after feeding the older boy. He left his dorm room unattended for a good fifteen minutes. He didn’t know who could’ve slipped in to scatter polaroids all over his desk. Polaroids he took of him and Renjun that Renjun kept. Polaroids he hadn’t seen since before the accident. 

 

He knew Renjun’s parents had all the access to the deceased boy’s belongings. But as far as Jaemin was concerned, the couple moved to back to Jilin, China after their rather eventful visit to Jaemin. 

 

He picked up the last photo Jaemin remembered giving to Renjun; the one he took in Renjun’s room just a couple of days before the accident. Renjun wore a black hoodie, a hand reaching out towards the camera. Jaemin remembered that day. It was the day they figured out their video-chat schedule for the next semester. 

 

Jaemin stayed there, mesmerized by memories he locked up the day Renjun died, memories he shut out to help him heal. Now, the memories opened up old wounds. Tears slowly trailed down his cheeks as he dropped to his knees, clutching a polaroid in his hands. 

 

_ Injun-ah…  _

-

Jeno wondered why Jaemin not once picked up any of his five missed calls. He knew the boy didn’t have a class and always answered his phone. Jeno’s professor cancelled class, meaning he’d have the entire afternoon to be with Jaemin. Not wanting to be the clingy type, Jeno texted Jaemin stating the older boy would be at the library and was welcome to join him. 

 

Four hours passed and not a single call or text from his boyfriend. 

 

Jeno began to worry. Unlike the older members, Jeno had no way of getting into Jaemin’s dorm. He texted Doyoung to meet him in the library and continued his studies. 

 

A few minutes later, someone pulled the chair across from him. Jeno looked up to meet the eyes of an older male. 

 

“Good afternoon, Mr. Lee.” The man greeted politely. 

 

Jeno tilted his head. “Good afternoon. I’m sorry, but do I know you?” 

 

The man shook his head. “You can call me Mr. Huang, I’m a new professor. I recognized you from your dance videos. You’re very good.” 

 

Jeno’s eyes lit up. He had several videos of him dancing posted all throughout the internet, gaining attention from his peers and the school. 

 

“Thank you, sir!” 

 

The man grinned softly. “I do hope you focus on your studies and your studies alone. I’d hate for a good student like you to be distracted by outside factors. I assume you’re already a part of the notorious NCT dance team here?” 

 

Jeno nodded excitedly. “Yes, sir!” 

 

The grin turned bitter. “Good. I hope to see you at the end of the year performance, Lee Jeno.” 

 

Jeno bowed his head as the man walked away. 

 

Not thirty seconds later and a hand came crashing down on the desk. “What the hell did he want from you?” 

 

“Geez, hyung you scared me!” Jeno exclaimed. 

 

Doyoung’s gaze hardened. “Answer the question, Jeno. What did he want from you?” 

 

Jeno raised an eyebrow at Doyoung’s stare and tone. “Nothing. He just introduced himself and said he’s a fan of my dancing and said he’d hope to see me at our end of semester concert. Why? Should I be avoiding him or something? He said he was a new professor.” 

 

Doyoung clicked his tongue. “Let’s go find Jaemin.”

 

Doyoung swiped his card, opening up the entrance to the dorms.

 

“I forgot, hyung, who else has access to Jaemin’s room?” 

 

Doyoung pushed the up arrow on the elevator. “Me, Taeyong-hyung, Johnny-hyung, Jaehyun, and Kun. Since Jaemin’s last attempt, we begged the school to give some of the members access to his dorm so we wouldn’t need Yuta to break down the door again.” 

 

When Jeno stepped off the elevator, an ominous feeling hit him, like a dark entity greeting him and leading him to Jaemin’s room. 

 

Doyoung knocked first. “Jaemin? Are you okay?” 

 

Nothing. 

 

Doyoung knocked again. “Jaemin? It’s me, Doyoung. I brought Jeno with me. We’re coming in, okay?” 

 

Doyoung unlocked the door, the entity following Jeno stronger than before. Jeno rounded the corner and nearly dropped his backpack on Doyoung’s foot on the sight of Jaemin on the floor unconscious. 

 

“Jaemin! Jaemin wake up! Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Jeno cradled the younger boy, assessing what he could. Still breathing, still warm, still alive. 

 

Jeno realized Jaemin held a polaroid and upon further inspection, recognized Renjun’s face in the photo. 

 

“Hyung-”

 

Doyoung’s eyes widened and watered at the same time. Some of the pictures looked familiar, others were new. The pictures of Renjun and Jaemin that most of the members never saw or only saw once. Polaroids Jaemin held so close to his heart. Polaroids that kept Renjun alive in Jaemin, even if the pictures were  _ supposed  _ to be in China along with Renjun’s other personal belongings. 

 

Jeno carried Jaemin over to the bed, taking the picture out of the younger boy’s grasp. 

 

“Is he going to be okay?” 

 

Doyoung mindlessly nodded, taking out his phone. 

 

“Taeyong- yes I know you have class. But we have a major problem.” Doyoung flipped a picture over, an unexpected tear falling. “Please get here as soon as possible.” 

  
  


_ Nana, I love you.  _

 

_ Don’t ever replace me when I’m in America _

 

_ Or I’ll haunt you forever when I die.  _

 

_ Injun _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! As you can probably tell, more angst on the way now that Jeno has met Renjun's dad... 
> 
> Please be patient on the next chapter! I'll try to get it done as fast as my schedule will let me :D


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long time no see! To be honest, I've had this chapter done for a while, I've just been too lazy to update it... Oops! 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it!

“I don’t get what you’re trying to say, Kun. I don’t mean any harm.” 

 

“I know, sir. But please. Can you try to not interfere with him right now? Jaemin is still recovering.” 

 

The man narrowed his eyes. “He seems to be fine from what I’ve seen. He has Lee Jeno wrapped around his finger already.” 

 

Kun clenched his teeth to control his anger. “Sir, I’m begging you. Leave Jaemin alone. Even if Jeno is with him, he’s still unstable. The members and I are trying our best to be there for him and help him in any way. So please, stay away from him.” 

 

The man walked past Kun, stopping a few feet short. “I don’t have to take orders from a child like you, Qian Kun.” 

  
  


“No, Kun. We can’t.” 

 

Kun let out an exasperated sigh. He can’t even win against Johnny. 

 

“I’m not suggesting it because I  _ think  _ it’s a good idea. I’m suggesting it because I  _ know  _ it’s a good idea.” 

 

“Oh do you?” 

 

Even if Johnny stood over him, Kun held his ground. “Johnny, I’m thinking of what’s best for Jaemin. If he finds out another way that Renjun’s father is here, it won’t end well.” 

 

“And if we tell Jaemin you don’t think it’ll end terribly?” 

 

“All I’m saying is if we warn him ahead of time, he won’t go into shock or something.” 

 

Johnny sat down and turned the page of his textbook. “I’m not risking Jaemin going into shock  _ when  _ we tell him.” 

 

“Johnny-”

 

Johnny roughly pushed his chair back, towering over Kun. “Do you know what it’s like seeing that kid unconscious in the middle of his room? What it feels like not knowing if he’ll breathe again? What it felt like seeing those empty bottles of alcohol and medication? Do you? I don’t want to go through it again, Kun. It traumatized us in a way you can’t understand.” 

 

Kun bit his lip as Johnny’s attention from the subject matter disintegrated. He didn’t know. He didn’t know what it was like to find Jaemin unresponsive. He didn’t know what it was like watching Jaehyun try and revive him. But Johnny didn’t know how much Jaemin and Renjun truly loved each other. How deep their bond actually was. 

 

Renjun only opened up about Jaemin to China line and sometimes Mark. Never the other hyungs. It’s not that Renjun didn’t trust them, the Chinese boy just felt more comfortable with Kun, Sicheng, Xuxi, and Chenle. And after all the times Renjun spilled so much of his heart, Kun knew exactly why Jaemin reacted the way he did. 

 

And for Jaemin to suddenly meet the man that triggered his everlasting guilt- Kun didn’t know how it’ll all end.

  
-  
  


Jeno knocked on the door once, twice, three times before waiting for Jaemin to come out. Three minutes passed, nothing. He sent Jaemin five messages telling him Jeno was ready. Nothing. 

 

He knocked again. “Jaemin? Are you okay? You didn’t oversleep did you?” 

 

Nothing. 

 

Jeno sighed, dialing Doyoung’s number. 

 

“Good morning, hyung. I’m fine… I was just going to pick up Jaemin to go to class but he isn’t answering. I’ve texted him, knocked on his door, and… Are you sure? Okay.” 

 

An episode. And the best thing to do was just leave Jaemin alone; the boy not wanting to talk to anyone. Jeno stuffed his phone in his pocket beforing huffing out a breath. He knocked again. 

 

“Jaemin, I’m going to class now. If you need anything, let me know okay?” 

 

And he left. 

 

Inside, Jaemin kept his curtains drawn, blankets on top of him with three pillows surrounding his body, one hugged close to his chest. It’s happening again. He was still awake, not having slept for over thirty-six hours, not having an appetite, not having any motivation to move, to shower, change clothes, not wanting to see anyone, even Jeno. 

 

Tears began to trickle from his eyes, his chest heavy, like someone sitting on top of him. His eyes burned from the tears and lack of sleep. Jaemin wanted to throw up. But all his mind wanted to do was lay in bed all day. 

 

He felt that shadow hug him again. 

 

_ They don’t care about you. You’re a burden to them. You see what’s happening? You even got Jeno worried. He’s a good kid; he doesn’t deserve a liability like you.  _

 

Jaemin shut his eyes, tears continuous now. He began to tremble. 

 

_ You’re ruining him, Jaemin. The others just feel obligated to help because they’ve known you for so long. But don’t do this to Jeno, you’ll never be good enough for him. You’ll never be the one to make him happy.   _

 

Jaemin wiped his tears, reaching for an orange pill bottle on his bedside table. He swallowed a pill, then he opened another bottle and taking a pill of zolpidem. He closed his eyes, hoping to silence the voice in his head. 

  
-  
  


Jeno continuously checked his phone during practice. He sighed softly after realizing Jaemin still hadn’t responded to his messages.

 

He felt a hand on his shoulder, meeting eyes with Doyoung. 

 

“Worried about Jaemin?” 

 

Jeno nodded. “Shouldn’t you be, too, hyung? I mean, he hasn’t answered anything all day!” 

 

“You’re not the only one.” 

 

Jeno glanced across the room to see Taeyong and Jaehyun holding up their phones with unanswered messages to Jaemin. 

 

Doyoung led Jeno to where most of the members sat with Taeyong and Jaehyun. 

 

“I guess we should’ve also warned you about this. But Jaemin has his depressive episodes just like how he has his panic attacks. We kind of can tell when he’s about to get one since the symptoms are more noticeable and gradual with depression.” 

 

“What do you mean?” Jeno frowned, sitting across from Taeyong. 

 

“Well, the past few days, has Jaemin been smiling as much?” 

 

Jeno pondered back to the past couple of days with Jaemin. Jaemin seemed less interested, always stating how tired and exhausted he felt. His smile failed to reach his ears, teeth rarely showing. And the kissing and hugging? Jeno remembered their last kiss happening almost a week ago. Hell, he couldn’t even remember the last time he and Jaemin held hands. “Oh.” 

 

Taeyong grinned empathetically. “I know. It’s hard to catch on at first, but once you see a pattern in his behavior, then you know. We talked to Jaemin about it yesterday. I told him if he needed anything. We’re always a call away. Don’t worry, he’ll contact you again.” 

 

“What about the classes he missed today?” 

 

“I informed his professors, they know.” 

 

Jeno sighed in relief. “Would’ve been nice if I was informed before.” 

 

“Yeah, sorry. We should’ve mentioned it to you.” 

 

Jeno caught glance of Mark staring at him with a slight disappointment to his face. How was it his fault? Then again, he could’ve been more observant. It’s just, Jeno’s classes have been going well and he and Jaemin were together, he nearly forgot Jaemin still had battles with his inner demons. In a way, it was Jeno’s fault for not recognizing the signs. 

 

“Did… did seeing Renjun’s pictures contribute to this, too?”

 

The older members fell silent. Jeno breathed in after seeing Kun slowly nod. 

 

“Renjun’s father is here. And I’m pretty sure he’s the one that snuck those photos in Jaemin’s dorm. Jaemin must’ve gone into shock or something when he saw them.” 

 

“So then that man-” Jeno turned to Doyoung.

 

“Was Renjun’s father.” 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me hyung!” 

 

“I was more worried he’d find Jaemin.” Doyoung patted Jeno’s hair. “The best we can do is make sure they won’t meet while Jaemin’s still feeling like this.” 

  
-  
  


Jaemin slowly opened his eyes, squinting at the clock on the wall. Three hours. He slept for three hours? He needed to have a talk with his doctor about his medications. They were losing their efficacy. 

 

Kun collected the polaroids the other day to keep the reminders away from him. But it still didn’t stop the hurt. Jaemin slowly sat up, groaning at how stiff his bones felt. He stood up, the rooming swaying a bit. 

  
Cold water. Cold water always helped. Jaemin splashed ice cold water, hoping to get his body moving. No response; all his sensitivity to touch faded. 

 

Once he stepped out of the bathroom, he heard a knock. 

 

“Jaemin? Are you feeling better?” Jeno. 

 

Jaemin hesitated before unlocking and opening the door, revealing a boy Jaemin wanted to see, but had no intention to. 

 

“Hi.” 

 

Jeno gently pulled Jaemin into a hug, ignoring the way Jaemin looked disheveled and unkempt. He smelled like sweat. Immediately, Jaemin pushed the older boy away, hands firmly on Jeno’s chest. 

 

“Please, not today. I don’t want to see you today.” 

 

He’d be lying if he said Jaemin’s words didn’t affect him. But, Jeno understood. He held Jaemin’s hands instead. 

 

“Okay. Let me know when you are.” He kissed the delicate hands and walked out. 

 

Jaemin shut the door, staring blankly at the navy blue curtains before sliding down on the wood, burying his face in his knees. 

 

_ What the fuck are you doing wasting Lee Jeno’s time and patience and love? Break up with him! He’s not broken like you! You’ll ruin him like what you did to Yoojin, Haeil or worse, you’ll kill him like Renjun!  _

 

_ Look at how pathetic you are.  _

 

Jaemin cried harder, muffling his sobs with his clothing. Now he wanted Jeno. He just wanted something to distract him from the haunting voice that never seemed to fade. He wanted something to drown out the negativity. 

 

Jeno sent Jaemin a text every day asking how the boy was fairing. And like before, no answer. Still, Jeno persisted. He continuously sent messages throughout his day, how boring the lecture was, what he had for lunch, how much he missed Jaemin’s cooking. Anything. Even if Jaemin responded to none, Jeno continuously messaged his boyfriend. 

 

Three days later, Jeno sat on his bed studying after practice when he heard light tapping on his door. To his surprise, Jaemin greeted him with a small smile. 

 

“Can I have that hug now?” 

 

Jeno grinned brightly, pulling Jaemin in. He smelled like his shampoo. “I missed you, Jeno.” 

 

“I missed you, too.” He dragged Jaemin inside, the two of them lying on the bed. “Are you feeling better?” 

 

Jaemin nodded, snuggling closer towards the other male and inhaling the scent of peppermint. “I went to therapy yesterday and the day before that. Sorry if I worried you. I didn’t mean to be so withdrawn.” He closed his eyes as he felt Jeno’s lips on his forehead. “I owe you a date.” 

 

Jeno shook his head, his lips remaining on Jaemin’s forehead. “This is enough.” 

 

Jaemin attended practice with Jeno the next week after extensive therapy, receiving hugs from everyone, even Mark and Jisung. Taeyong gave him a big “welcome back” hug along with Jungwoo and Doyoung. Jeno watched in content as his boyfriend greeted the other members. 

 

He reflected back to the first day of Jaemin’s episode; how he thought something bad might’ve happened, how Jaemin didn’t want to hug him much less see him, how Jaemin cried himself to sleep in Jeno’s arms night after night following giving him the “hug” Jaemin promised. He reflected back on how much he’d sacrifice to ease Jaemin’s mind, to tell him nobody was going to leave him despite all of his mental illnesses. How Jeno wasn’t going to leave him. 

 

Jeno walked towards Jaemin when the younger held out his hand. Jaemin beamed a smile, the smile Jeno oh so missed. 

 

_ I think I love him.  _

  
-  
  


Kun slammed down the box of polaroids. He grit his teeth. “I know you snuck these in his room. Why?” 

 

The man cocked his head. I don’t know what you’re talking bout Kun. I haven’t see those since we cleaned out Renjun’s room so many years ago.” 

 

Kun clenched down on his teeth harder. “Don’t lie to me.” 

 

The man’s eyes remained cold and calm. “I’m telling the truth, Qian Kun.” 

  
-  
  


_ Korean Air Flight 176 ICN to LAX Huang Renjun Gate A22 Departure 6:15 AM 15 August 2018 Boarding Zone A3 Seat 7.  _

  
  


_ Huang Renjun _

 

_ Dear Renjun,  _

 

_ Congratulations! It is our great pleasure to offer you admission to UCLA for the Fall Quarter 2018.  _

  
  


Jaemin bit his lower lip as tears heavily fell down his cheeks. Renjun never left for America, he never saw UCLA, he never knew what college life was. And it all came back to haunt Jaemin. 

  
He felt a pressure around his shoulders.  _ Renjun never got on that plane to start university. You took that away from him.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


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